My past is coming back, and I've rejected bits and parts of it so far. Slowly, I shall be better, day by day, brick by brick.
Carmen looked so much like her it's crazy, hair and all. Even down to the voice. Nightmares followed, and it felt odd. Knowing I was looking at the dying embers of my love, looking at the end of the road. Knowing it'll be over. Understanding that.
She told me time and time again. It finally happened, I always find writing these things as weird and stupid because I did it all. Today, I texted someone who watched my older streams. It was very odd because it made me happy, but maybe this is a test. If I can stand and move past the end of the road. I can do it. Today, I shall never drink coffee or caffeine again. I shall love clearly and smoothly. I shall live alone, and sometimes the road will be hard, but it will be amazing and wonderful. I know it deep down it will. I can feel it. She told me she is willing to redo it with maybe. She told me she was happier, not having to worry about me, and I understood why. I couldn't argue maybe aupon my own sadness. I'll crave something out. No woman will take her place. That wouldn't be fair. It couldn't be fair. I can't stop thinking about how terrible I was a person to her, although it's odd she claims 5 years when it's 7 now. I just want to make her know I am better now. Living alone without anyone is good.
Writing these schizophrenic journals is helping me slowly gain a sorta of grasp on being better. I wanted to download Discord and relink, but I knew that wouldn't be honest, and it would betray me being better and trying my hardest. Instead I texted the female viewer of my stream I didn't do anything sexual or make it weird! That was a massive help it proved I was trying harder. I even didn't watch porn, which is fucking great because that means that I did it! I'm on the pathway to be better. Slowly and surely.
I read some of these stories, and by God, it makes me feel far better. The pure amount of retardation I've seen and read made me feel better about myself. I just read a story about BTS being a gay and trans family (it's never cool to make other people gay or trans just to fill a weird sexual fetish) were they ended up fucking.
This was my genuine reaction to that
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I'll end it on that. But for real lmao what the did I just read. Holy fuck
