BROKEN HOPE (Broken Redemption Book 2)

Chapter 23

Lucas

"I'm sorry." I choke out. The emotion thickens my voice, making it impossible to continue.

Fuck!

How do I push through this? I need to find a way, especially now that she's confirmed the same emptiness that's plagued my life, has also laid claim to hers. While I resigned myself to this dismal existence long ago, I can't bear the thought of her enduring the same hell I have.

"I know you're sorry. We both are, but at this point, those apologies feel like meaningless platitudes. Isn't it about time we call a truce with the universe, with ourselves, and say enough is enough? Because as hard as it is to acknowledge this... I just don't see a way forward for us, Lucas, not as long as we're both stuck living in the past, blaming ourselves for circumstances beyond our control."

"You're right."

"Then say it. Out loud. If you really mean it, say it and acknowledge that what happened that night wasn't your fault." When she turns her head to look at me, our tear-filled eyes connect. "Even if you don't believe it. Say it now, and then repeat it whenever the doubt and self-loathing creep in, so that someday soon, you'll finally believe the words to be true. Say it to me now, Lucas James Holt, and I promise to do the same."

Inhaling sharply, my head swirls with the words she wants to hear, but the guilt, the regret, they weigh on me like a barricade, making it difficult to speak.

"What happened that night..." My head shakes involuntarily as if it refuses to accept the words I'm about to utter. Desperate tears spring from my eyes as I struggle to push through the ache inside my chest. "What happened that night... wasn't my fault." The visceral sob that claws up my throat nearly breaks me apart.

The burn in my chest becomes unbearable as the grief I've evaded for 15 years surges out in one overwhelming eruption that cuts me raw, right down to the bone. With my heart torn from my chest, I'm flayed open and bleeding, setting up the perfect scenario for my demons to pull me straight down into the pits of my personal hell. As the room around me descends into darkness, I hear her call out.

"Lucas? Lucas, breathe!"

Her desperate pleas cut through the whooshing in my ears, but it's not enough. The pain from my broken ribs, infected gashes on my back, and burnt flesh make it impossible to register anything but the foul smells of decay and human excrement that turn my stomach until I nearly heave. Yet amidst the turmoil, I feel it—the weight of a body on top of mine, initially terrifying until the scent of coconut and vanilla breaks through the debilitating haze.

"Lucas. Look at me. Open your eyes and look at me, please!"

"Embree," I whimper, sounding more like a child than a grown man, but I couldn't care less. Relief floods through my veins as I realize it's her straddling me. In a rush, I wrap my arms around her in an embrace that screams of desperation.

"I'm here, Lucas. I'm right here," she whispers, trailing kisses from one side of my face, down to my neck, before repeating the gesture on the other side.

"Don't let go. Please don't let me go," I beg, as remnants of the panic attack cling to me like quicksand trying to pull me back under.

"Never." Gripping the sides of my face, her eyes pierce mine with a resolute steadiness I've never seen from her. "I'll never let you go, Lucas. Never."

Taking hold of her wrists as she cups my face, I rush to explain, "I-I'm sorry. I know we said we wouldn't apologize anymore, but I-I need you to know. What happened..." I swallow hard, pushing that twisted ball of fear and regret down as far as I can, if only to get her to see that I'm fighting for her. "I'm willing to try. It was my first time. It was harder than I thought, but I swear, I'll do it over and over again if it means I get to keep you."