Survivers [TAMBER]

Chapter 31: books of her

>Ambers POV<

Its been a few months since my first therapy session. I began to enjoy going. Therapy seemed to just take a weight off of me, giving me a sense of relief. Of course it doesn't erase every single issue I deal with, but I'm trying to be patient about that part. My friends are a huge help whether they realize it or not. They went shopping for me and lately we've all been doing more things together. It kinda reminded me of when we were in high school.

We all went out earlier today to see a movie and walk around the mall, but now I was in my bed, writing in my journal. My therapist gave it to me and decorated it with demon slayer stickers. I used to write in a journal, well, a diary is what I called it.

I got my first diary in 6th grade and got a new one every year up until senior year just documenting my life. My Sophmore- Junior year diaries are something crazy. I really started coming into my identity as a lesbian and my crush on Tara intensified. I was obsessed with her. I still am. I wrote about her every single day.

I went in the box in the back of my closet and pulled out some of my old diaries that I'd kept hidden. Maybe I'd share them with Tara one day but for now, I just enjoyed reading them.

August 12th 2020 entry :

Today  we had partner work in Mr. Arney's  class. I got partnered with Ryan Johnston. Class nerd. I should be excited, he's a smart kid. we could ace this assignment. but Tara got partnered with Rebekah. Rebekah Blanchard. The red headed LOUD lesbian with flirtatious feline eyes and a sensational ability to get what she wants. she held Tara's hand smiling at her. Why did she need to hold her hand?  Tara was reading the assignment to her, but I could see Rebekah trying to pursue her. Or was I just being jealous. I mean I had no right to be, after all Tara isn't mine. Rebekah scooted closer to Tara. God has she ever heard of personal space? I didn't like what was going on so I paid Ryan to partner up with Bekah and give her half the money. I KNOW it's crazy, I know. I just don't like other people giving Tara attention.

"DELUSIONAL." I said and turned the page

August 17th 2020 entry:

Tara looked cute today. Well she looks cute everyday, but today she was wearing the cutest white floral dress and matching flats. she straightened her pretty long hair that reached alllll the way down her back and her bangs  were neatly  placed. All I could pay attention to were the freckles sprinkled across her face. she kissed my cheek today. me and tara have been friends for a while but idk, there's something different about her interacting with me now. I act like I just met her. I know her though. I don't  understand why I won't just ask her out. Mindy said I should, but I don't even know if Tara likes girls. That's got to be the worst part about being gay, sometimes you can't tell.

November 5th 2020 entry:

I could honestly fucking kill myself. WES HAS A CRUSH ON TARA. I found out thru snooping...ish . idk what I'm gonna do. Wes is your favorite all American good boy. I think he could honestly get her. I can't even properly think. If that even WERE to happen, I would literally be physically ill. I think I would honestly just give up. I see other girls. I can tell that other girls are pretty, but Tara is the only person I've ever genuinely been in love with. I think I need to act quickly.

"Jesus." I whispered.

December 25th 2020 entry:

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. WES is going to ask Tara out at the Christmas party tomorrow. I have to do SOMETHING. Maybe I just need to say it. Maybeee I need to literally  man up before I lose everything.