I just woke up.
I am preparing myself to go and attend the lectures.
I had my breakfast.
I knocked at Noah's door.
She opened the door.
I wished her good morning!
We went to college.
I am sitting in front of Arica.
We have a free class, so I am listening to music and thinking about a paragraph that she sent me once.
That was something like:
Why do I love talking with you?
Why is your ignorance not bearable?
Why do eyes crave your presence?
I cannot understand what I am feeling.
But I love to feel this way.
Why do I feel jealous sometimes?
Why do I relate your every action to mine?
Why do your eyes show me innocence?
Why does your silence around me make me feel secure?
How far am I going to feel so secure?
Why does your pain hurt me?
Why does your solitude bother me?
Why do I crave touching your silky hairs?
Will I ever feel like this again?
Why do I want to give all my happiness to you?
Why do I want to touch your face?
Why do I want to stay in?
Why do I crave to take all your pain?
I don't know the answers, but still, I want to feel this deep.
Once she sent me this paragraph, and I was happy that she's feeling something for me, whether it is love or something else; it's for me, so I am happy.
I faced her while sitting on a chair. She gave me a soft smile, and I was looking at her.
I don't know why, but all of a sudden, I felt pain behind her soft smile.
I tried to scan what that was.
She looked at me again. I changed my song on my earphones. I looked at her while listening to the song.
My mind is full of random thoughts, like why I felt that pain behind her smile. I decided to write a poem related to what's on my mind on my phone's notepad.
I can sense your hush.
I can feel your ache.
You are everywhere.
in the skies, in clouds, in a rush
touch my soul
Meet me on the rooftop.
I found tears in your happiness.
Don't hide your scars.
I am trying to fade them away.
Whatever you feel, just say it.
Everyone came outside, and I told Arica to read that poem and give it a title.
She gave it a title: Just Say!
After that, I came to my room.
I am thinking of how we have to pretend like we are just friends, but how much I crave holding her hand in front of everyone!
Two weeks passed.
It's December
We have to ignore each other in front of everyone!
But when someone flirts with her, even as a friend,
I don't know, but in this exact moment, I feel like a criminal, a criminal who wants to murder everyone who's closer to her except me.
The urge to kiss her in front of my classmates and everyone else is getting stronger.
I have to control this. I don't want to ruin anything for my silly mistake.
It's the middle of December, and we are having exams.
After exams, we are all going back to our home for a monthly break.
How fast time's flying
Seriously!
17 Dec
A day after tomorrow's last exam
I want to meet her so bad right now.
I texted her to come into my room for some quality time. I know she won't be able to spend her night with me, but I want it to happen because I need her more and more.
After some minutes, she came
We had conversations related to some other things, and we had fun.
Time has passed, and it's time to say goodnight again.
I don't want to be upset.
But she's leaving.
All of a sudden, my face looked pale when she left.
She noticed it.
She hugged me and said good night.
After some time, when I was about to go to sleep, she texted me a paragraph.
[Hey... Hii]
Your so beautiful when you talk like really
beautiful. Sorry for not staying, babe. Whenever I leave you, it feels like I am breaking your heart every time. It feels like you're asking for something from me that I couldn't give you. I am sorry. I don't know how you feel when I leave, but I became a different person. Hey, today when I touched your shoulder while going outside, I swear I felt like I was freezing at that moment. I felt that there's some feeling of achieving something that traveled through my body. I felt like I wanted that touch for so long. I just feel so many emotions while I am with you that I can't even focus on one. I just want to focus on you and tell the trees that you're mine. You're my emotion that I never get tired of. Just that pretty smile on your face helps me to stay calm. I love you.
babe. [Thank you for always letting me in.]
I got tears in my eyes after reading the paragraph, and I thank
God for her to notice these small things in me.
And went to bed after saying her good night via text.
