Across All Time

Chapter 7- Outburst (Mobius)

(TW: suicidal thoughts and related triggers)

I can't stop thinking.
It's too loud. It's screaming, it's pain, it's like being pruned again.
But somehow, I also just feel empty.
I'm sitting in a mostly deserted cafeteria. There was one worker eating here, but when I entered they packed up, gave me a tight smile, and left.
So I sit alone, again.
When did I get so unlikeable?
I used to be told constantly that I was the friendliest man in the TVA. And here I am.
Sylvie's right though. This self pity.
I hate myself for it, but I can't seem to fix myself, I can't calm myself or make myself feel something other than emptiness. I used to be able to help people in that way. I also used to work hard. Now I'm listless, have no drive to do anything. When that cup went down, I wanted to go with it.
I still do, a bit.
Mostly I just miss that stupid mug.
I force myself to eat a sandwich. It's a cheap, flavorless one, but the only other option was a salad.
Sandwich it is.
I have my orange mug back, so now I drink tea. Chemical tasting tea. Is it supposed to be lemon? Maybe something else.
Oh god when did my life come to this?
Two voices enter the cafeteria, one following the other.
"Did she look at me?"
"How am I supposed to know?"
"You were looking at her,"
"I was looking at her book, not her face. It's an older manual, wonder where she got it?"
"You're telling me you saw no chemistry?"
"I saw you panic when she walked by, you literally just-" the voice stopped all of a sudden, it was right behind me.
"Hi, Mobius," said O.B.
I turned. O.B. and Casey were standing behind me awkwardly. Casey was blushing, probably about the lady they were talking about.
"Hey, O.B." I say tiredly, turning back around, "Casey," I nod.
"Mobius," Casey said hoarsely, "We just got a message from the others, they're worried sick about you! O.B. message them back," he said. O.B was already on it.
"No, no. You really don't have to," I said, really hoping this wouldn't become some whole gathering. "I'm just having lunch then leaving," I pleaded as I picked up my tray to throw out the sandwich.
"They'll be here in a moment," O.B. said looking up from his device. I put my hand to my temple as I put the tray on top of the trash.
"Mobius, Sylvie said you ran off this morning, are you-?"
"Oh thank god!" Bea shouted as she ran into the room and embraced me, "I thought-"
"I know!" I shout, shoving away. Sylvie entered the room as well, Bea took a step back. They all stared at me shocked.
"I know what you thought! I know what you are all thinking, and to be honest, I thought it too," I yell. "You are all smothering me! I can't take it, I-"
"Mobius, we want to help," pleaded Bea.
"I know. I know I need help, I know I'm pathetic," I confessed loudly while stealing a glance at Sylvie.
"Mobius, I-"
"No, Sylvie, listen." I interrupt her, "I don't want to feel this way, I don't want any of this. But I know it doesn't matter what I want, it wouldn't help, it wouldn't change anything. So I never said anything. I didn't want to seem childish, or place a burden on you. All of you also went through this loss. I'm not special, and I didn't want to be a burden, but I was anyway." My voice was growing hoarse, I hardly spoke much for a while, and now I was screaming at the world.
"Mobius, just stop yelling, we can figure this out," Bea begged.
"No!" I said, tears starting to form in my eyes. "This-" I motioned around. "This- GOD DAMN IT-" I lashed out at a nearby chair, kicking it shockingly hard, it hit the floor roughly. "This is the most I've felt since..." I can't yell anymore, I'm choking on tears, "since he left. Since Loki left," I stop and just cry for a moment. I drop down, my knees hitting the floor. Bea approaches me like I'm an animal that is easily scared.
"Mobius," she said softly, tears running down her face as well, "We never meant to smother you, we... we all miss Loki," a sob racked my body and Bea put her hand on my shoulder.
"Then why have you moved on when I can't? I want too so bad... but if I do..."
"Then he'll really be gone?" Bea asked "Mobius, no amount of pain you inflict on yourself is going to bring them home. You have to realize that the best way to honor their memory is to live."
I nod, feeling like a small, almost unnoticeable, amount of weight was lifted off of me.
We sit there a moment longer, enough for me to stop shaking a little. Then I get up.
"I'm calling off work for today," I mumble, looking at my feet.
"That's fine," Sylvie said shakily. I look up. Her and the two men beside her also have traces of tears on their faces. Bea stands up and claps my shoulder.
"Let's get you home Mobius," she whispers, "healing only starts when you are rested enough,"
I nod again, now feeling slightly embarrassed at my outburst. Bea leads me to the door as the other three just nod and mutter their goodbyes. We walk back to my apartment, where I actually attempt to sleep.

"Do you actually think he's going to get better this time?" Casey asks me.
Him and O.B. look shocked, and I just turn to watch my wife lead Mobius out of this forsaken cafeteria.
"Yes," I answer, wiping the final tear from my face. "Because I won't even allow a reincarnated Loki himself to mess this up." I declare.
"Sylvie, do you really think he's..." O.B. trails off.
Do you really think he's gone... for good?
"I don't know," I admit, "But it doesn't matter," I say looking back at him.
Then I leave.