𝔻𝔸𝕃𝕀𝔸ℍ

𝑐ℎ𝑎𝑝𝑡𝑒𝑟 𝑠𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑒𝑛

Hashim's cousin, Barira is a sweet woman. Immediately we appeared before her, she stopped listening to what whoever was saying and smiled at me. She made the person beside her get up and told me to sit with her.

"I'm sorry I didn't get to come for the wedding". She told me, someone made a comment and snickered.

"It's nothing".

"Kawo Mata baby ta rike". My ears shot up and I looked at her.

"It's okay, I'll just look at him in your arms".

"Nonsense. Don't tell me you are afraid of holding babies too. You'll learn with affan". She said and before I could protest again, she was dropping the sleeping baby carefully on my lap.

"Hold his head". She instructed carefully and I did as she said.

I held the baby, moving my legs side to side, but affan chose that moment to wake up. He opened his eyes and stared up at me.

They reminded me of similar eyes to mine, staring up at me because they had no one else and I had no else. I instantly grew attached, and that was the biggest mistake I made. It shattered me.

"Let me hold him". Hashim said and took him from my arms. I only noticed my hands were visibly shaking and my breathe coming out in shakily too. I think something was being said because they were looking me expectantly.

"I need the toilet". I said and Barira directed me to a room around the corner.

I went in, stared into the mirror and splashed water on my face. I sighed and stayed in for a few more minutes. I heard prayer being called at a nearby mosque and performed ablution to just pray.

I left the room when I was done and headed for the living room we were at earlier.

"Did you see how she was cowering because of she held a baby?". A voice asked and I didn't need to be told that she was referring to me.

"She forced herself into people's home then she's now acting innocent". Another person said.

"Haka take wani seeking attention?". I think the first voice asked.

"No, Daliah isn't like that". Khadija. So she's there, I'm not even surprised.

"You told me she did one crazy thing that time". Ah, I guess she was already talking around about me before now.

I walked into the room and they nudged eachother like the hypocrites they are to keep quiet and look at me.

I didn't face their direction. Even if I hadn't heard what they said, I wouldn't have stopped to offer a curtsied smile or nod, so I went my way.

"How are you feeling, Daliah?". If khadija hadn't said my name after that question, I would never have turned but I did.

I turned to look at her with a blank look, my expression colder than normal. I could clearly see she was taken aback, perhaps she thought I overheard their question.

"I don't remember telling you I'm ill".

"No, I mean earlier you...". She trailed off.

"Excuse me". I looked at each on of them and then left.

I wanted to tell Hashim to come take me home but I didn't want to be a bother, he's here with his cousins and friends, I don't want to make him leave just because I don't feel okay in my head.

As I walked into the yard, I saw him laughing at something Barira said as they took pictures. I found his laugh attractive, calling and you could hear the clear joy behind it and also hear it isn't forced.

He turned to look at me then and as he held my gaze and I did too, I didn't feel that there were others around us. He left Barira's place and came towards me.

"Do you want to go home". He asked carefully.

"Hm, I'll go home myself. You can come back when you're done" I told him and he frowned.

"Give me five minutes then we can leave". I looked at him then nodded.

He told me to come with me to tell Barira goodbye.

"You're leaving already?". She said.

"Yes, I'll visit again".

"I'll do so before you do, I wanted to come earlier but I struggled with affan in my belly". She explained and I nodded.

"In Sha Allah".

"We didn't take any pictures". She made me stand beside her and we took some with Hashim then he went to bid people goodbye while we took more with Barira and affan.

I tried my best not to look at him, I could still feel my hands shake but I was trying to control it which was impossibly hard but I think I could until we got out of here.

Hashim came back and we left for the car. Earlier I couldn't dwell on what happened as my mind was occupied but now as everything was quiet. I kept seeing his eyes, his wails.

I remember when I first found out I had him, I cried for two days, wondering why I had a bad luck, so much so that I'd be pregnant at 17. I thought about aborting it, but I couldn't bring myself to do so and that idiot said he didn't have a problem if I wanted to keep it so I did.

I just couldn't bring myself to harm a soul, an unborn soul. A week after I gave birth to him, the son of a witch. He had my eyes, my mother's eyes. So, the idiot of his father killed him in cold blood, because his cries were getting to him.

I had been attached and I was shattered when I didn't have him with me, i didn't even get to see his corpse.

"Daliah". It was a distant call.

"Daliah". I heard a loud ringing in my ear then it stopped sharply and I snapped my head to the side to see Hashim looking at me with worry all over his face.

My breath was coming out in harsh puffs and my head hurt. I looked to the side and saw that we were home. I opened the door and walked out to the front door. I was feeling locked up again. I held the door handle but the door didn't budge, I tried harder until I felt Hashim's hand on mine.

"It's locked, daliah". He told me and I dropped my hand for him to open it.

I was inside the minute he did so and I rushed up to my room. I wanted to sleep, a deep dreamless sleep, so I won't remember anything.

Memories I thought I had forgotten but merely buried deep inside myself and any little thing, they are triggered. Is this what my life is?

I opened my door and went straight for the toilet. I started scrambling around, falling things in the process and when I finally had a razor in my hand and stared at it. I dropped it and a harsh sob escaped my lips, I covered my mouth and backed away from the razor.

I dropped down to the floor, the sobs vibrating through every part of my body. But, even in my mental and emotional disoriented state, I still perceived Hashim. He came in and stopped in front of me, he crouched down and carefully, his hands came up to hold my shoulders.

It was the rest of my undoing, I held unto him and cried like I had never before, because I know I am broken and he doesn't deserve that but here he is.

Still, it was different. This time, I had him. I had him to hold me while I released everything. To support me while I cried, it was better.