𝔻𝔸𝕃𝕀𝔸ℍ

𝑐ℎ𝑎𝑝𝑡𝑒𝑟 𝑡𝑒𝑛

I had a routine.

Stay in my room the whole day, then wait for my usual stargazing time before going out. All this to avoid running into Hashim and khadija, which I did sometimes by the way on my few trips to the kitchen for water or malt. Yes, malt.

I thought I could survive without it but after some days, I asked Hashim to get me some and even offered him money but glared at me in some sort of way that Baba would when reprimanding me then he said.

"Don't insult me like that Daliah". I retracted my hand and he left.

From that day onward, there was always malt in the fridge. Before there was only soda water, coke and Ceres in the fridge.

Soon, that feeling of loneliness started to seep in. The depressing feelings, all those feelings I hated. That I hurt myself because of. I was close to having an episode because I was close to losing my mind. I was sick of khadija's fake niceness or the fact that I had to see them together everytime.

That day as usual I was in my room until my star gazing time and I had to go get a malt from the fridge and go outside, but apparently they were awake and in the kitchen.

Khadija was crying, Hashim was trying to calm her down.

"I hate that I have to share you". Which is a lie, we hardly ever meet or even talk.

"I don't like it Habibi". She sobbed into his chairs. She was shouting, I had a guess she wanted me to hear.

"It's okay. Everything will be alright". He consoled her.

"Nothing will be. She's taking you away from me". I rolled my eyes now. I wanted to just go in and get my malt but I was annoyed and angry.

It wasn't like I begged Hashim to marry me, and even though we are, we do not act like a married couple. But she had the audacity.

I returned to my room, feeling annoyed that I couldn't have my time outside because of her. Hating why I even agreed to Baba. Hating that not only did I feel lonely but I was lonely. I had no one on my side. I went to the toilet hating that I felt everything I felt and wished to feel something else. I picked a razor, my hands shaking, fighting the urge but my mind was not strong enough to fight the urge and before I knew it, the skin on my wrist split open and blood began oozing out.

The stinging pain was better, I stopped feeling the other ones, only this one of pain. I began to feel dizzy as the blood was pooling and I moved to my room to sit but before I got to the bed, I slid to the floor.

I was slowly losing consciousness but I tried to stay awake which was really hard. Seconds later, my door barged open and the only person who did that was Hashim. His figure was a blur, hours call distant before the darkness finally consumed me.

The next time I woke up was in a hospital room. My head hurt and my nose too, I hate the smell of hospitals. I looked at my injured hand that lay limply by my side and the then at the other where one bag of drip and another of water was flowing into my body, it was remaining little and I don't think I have the patience to stay in here any longer. So, I reached out to tug it.

"What do you think you are doing?". It was a reprimand from Hashim. I hadn't even notice him there.

"I want to go back to the house".

"You're staying here until the doctor says you can leave". He said firmly and for the first time, I held his gaze longer than I have ever but I still looked away.

"I don't like it here".

"You should have thought about that before hurting yourself". I looked to the other side not in the mood of arguing, then something clicked and I looked at him quickly.

"Did you tell Baba?". I asked cautiously. He relaxed.

"Why?".

"He'll get worried unnecessarily". He was quiet didn't say anything but stare at me.

"You surprise me, you know. You hurt yourself and looked happy? Now you look all worried about Baba knowing". I looked at my hurt hand.

"I did hear he is the only one you see in good regards. Anyway, I am going to tell him". I rolled my eyes. He didn't see though. I will not beg him.

He left the room after and minutes later, the door was opened again. I thought it was him but the perfume was khadija's. I didn't look at her.

"How are you feeling?". She asked.

"Fine". We were both quiet for sometime then she spoke again.

"You know, you shouldn't do such things just to get Hashim's attention". Please I don't need this right now. I ignored her.

"You got his attention on my day and made him all worried". Her day? I turned to look at her. Everyday is her day! I gave her a blank look and she was about to say something when Hashim came in with the doctor.

"How are you feeling?". He asked. Stop asking me that!

"I'm fine". I replied despite myself.

"Uhm, can I speak to the patient alone?". He turned to Hashim and khadija.

"It's no use, because I'm not going to talk or see a therapist". I told him and the doctor looked at me with a sigh.

"Daliah". Hashim warned, it sounded like how Baba said it, a little different but same.

"Then, I want to think that you know what you are doing because you have managed to avoid harming any important vein". I stared at the doctor.

"Can I get discharged?". He looked at the finished pack of blood and quarter water.

"I can't wait, I'm fine". He looked at a frustrated Hashim for help.

I sat up, wincing slightly at the pain in my body. The doctor left us in the room.

"I can go back myself. I don't have money for transport though". I received a glare and then they left the room.

When the drip water finished, a nurse came and relieved me of the needles and said I could go.

Hashim and khadija were waiting outside, khadija quickly opened the passenger door for me, probably to show her good side to Hashim. I didn't thank her.

The ride back to the house was somewhat quiet, she did most of the talking while he hummed, nodded or answered briefly.

When we arrived, they got down first and went inside. I waited a moment to plan something. I would apologize for being rude, though I'm not sorry. Because this is where I regret not asking for something- a house, before we got married.

I left the car and went inside. They were not in the living room. I got a bottle of malt and went to my room.

Later, Hashim barged into my room as usual, but this time with a tray of food in his hand. I watched him come in from where I was seated on the bed. He flicked on the light switch and I wanted to complain but I kept it down.

He dropped the tray beside me on the bed. I looked at it.

"I'm not hungry".

"You have meds to take, and I don't have...".

"Fine. I'll eat". He looked surprised but didn't say anything.

"I'm sorry about earlier". He looked shocked now, but then he shook his head and smiled.

"I want to ask you for something". This time he laughed, I ignored it, just go on with the plan.

"Go on". He said.

"I want to live separately, even if it's a one bedroom flat, I'm...". His smile dropped, wrong move?.

"Again with the insult, Daliah". I looked at him.

"I was arranging for that. I think it will be ready in a week". Oh.

"Thank you".

"Eat the food and take your meds". He walked away but then stopped at the door.

"Oh and next time you apologize to someone, look and sound sorry". He left after.

For the first time in two weeks, I was feeling different, a better feeling. Maybe I should have asked him before cutting myself.