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𝐒𝐏𝐋𝐈𝐓
March 3, 2014
We both woke up at the same time the next morning. I turned over to check the time since I didn't wanna sleep all day and it was late already, it was 1 PM and it felt like we hadn't been sleeping for that long. We decided to get up and start the day since we were already woke but he seemed off. He didn't even kiss me, give me a good morning, hug me, nothing. He just looked at me and gave me a fake smile then got out of the bed. I was confused since the night before, everything was happy between us but I understood that he had his random mood swings so I didn't question him. The whole time we were doing our morning routine he was acting weird and even when we took a shower together he faced the other way and didn't wash my back or even look at me. When we finished our morning routine he started to look at me more gave me a smile and a hug. Even tho he started acting affectionate I still was confused on why he was so distant and cranky that morning. I then again didn't want to ask him and stress him out more.
Whenever he had something going on with him he was pretty good at communicating it only if his mental hadn't been pretty bad like the last time we didn't talk for months and on. But besides that he was really good at communicating so I didn't know exactly why he was acting like he was. I asked him if he wanted to talk about something because I thought perhaps it was a small issue that he could've told me about but just was not ready to initiate the talk. He shook his head no at me and went back to put his head back down like there was something clearly wrong. Anyone could've saw that. I really didn't wanna bug him and make it worse but.. it kinda was my job to make sure he was doing ok and wasn't going back to the dark place he often went to. I knew depression wasn't a temp tag so I knew that his depression would flare back up every once in a while but he it'd seemed that he became really deep in that rabbit hole.
I didn't think his depression would come back up so soon when it'd been only a few hours ago when he told me he was ok and that him going to the psych ward to get help had helped him a bit, but it didn't seem that way. He seemed worse. He'd told me he'd been to the psych ward plenty of times before but every time he came out, he came out "better" so he thought but he always ended up in a deeper depression than usual which made me feel like he didn't need to really be at the psych ward but I also knew that if he wasn't at the psych ward he would've probably hurt himself. Since the day he'd told me he was clinically depressed and he had meds and everything I felt so bad and I knew our relationship would be at risk since depression makes you do crazy things but I still chose to go for him and love him. I felt as if my efforts weren't enough and he would always end up wanting to hurt himself with or without me but he told me other wise. He told me that when he would be with me that basically all of his feelings of hurt were gone and all he knew was me. All he saw was me. That made me feel better but I still feared for him.
Later that day he still was acting distant and quiet which made my suspicions raise sky high. He'd never been a person to keep a minor problem to himself for so long so I knew the problem wasn't minor. I felt like his support system along with him mom and that was basically all he had. Just his mom technically since he was a kid but eventually he had me. As we sat on the couch and watched tv sitting apart from each other, I felt the need to ask him if something was really going on again.
"Amir, you sure you're fine?"
"I'm fine."
"Amir."
"I'm fine."
"Why won't you tell me what's wrong?"
"BECAUSE NOTHING IS WRONG!!" He said screaming at me.
I knew he was hurt and instead of forcing myself to fight with him I chose to go back upstairs and crawl under the covers. I heard him calling my name and telling me how sorry he was but I didn't want him to feel sorry, I wanted him to feel like he could tell me when he was going through something even when it was major. I felt like I let him down as though that might've been the reason he didn't wanna tell me what was going on with him. I felt his presence and it didn't feel right or happy, it felt sad and broken. I wanted more for him and from him, I wanted him to be happy and sorry to say but I also wanted to think about myself. My brother died and I still was grieving him and I didn't wanna feel like it was mandatory for me to push away my brief grief to handle his needs, I just wanted him AND me to be happy. And I was so happy with him but I still had battles of my own and I wanted a 50/50 relationship where we both helped each other's feelings and mental get better and I knew he couldn't give me that at that moment and I wasn't gonna force him to. I knew I had to let him go for his and my sake. I walked toward the door that I locked and when I opened it he was sitting at the door with his knees to his chest waiting for me. That made me feel worse about what I was going to do.
"Im sorry I lashed out on you baby."
"It's ok... we need to talk."
"Of course.."
We both sat on the bed and looked at each other in the eyes waiting for one of us to speak.
"I've been thinking about our futures and our lives and.. I think we're going through life in different ways that can't be crossed."
"Baby."
"I promise to always check up on you to make sure your life is where you want it to be and to be sure you're doing okay. I know I'm a lot and I don't expect myself to be able to hold you down and hostage while I sob in the dark so I'm sorry for that and I hope you find happiness in your new chapter..."
"Amir your not a lot, it's just that I know we both have our own struggles which are holding us back from being able to comfort each other equally to our best ability and I want us to be able to be how we used to be. You checking up on me and me checking up on you, you caring for my needs and me caring for your needs just as much. I know you deep down want to do that for me but I can see through you and I can see that you can't and I want you to able to love me how you want to love me and I know this isn't it."
"I see what you're saying and I'll let you go for the sake of your future because I want you too happy, whether it's with me or not."
"I love you."
"I love you so much, Cora."
After we said our goodbyes and cried our eyes out to each other I finally got my stuff and left while looking back 60 times knowing I wouldn't see him and it hit me hard. But I knew that was what I had to do. Especially if that's what he felt like he needed.
