Focus On Me.

are you in love?

I woke up around 6 am because of my alarm clock ringing off in my head. I felt like my head was so heavy and everything was dizzy and blurry,maybe i shouldn't had that wine,I look to my side and realize Leo wasnt in bed next to me..maybe he left to go to work.
I get up and wobble to the bathroom.
Erik: Leo,are you home? i yell..no answer is given back,he prob did left for work.
I wash my face and teeth,take a quick shower and put on my school clothes. Gosh i have an important test today..i didnt study for it,i was too tired last night..oh im going to fail i dont want this! I get to hg and i settle down,trying to read and memorate things for the test coming up.
Teacher: Erik,you alright? what happened, why didnt u come yesterday? He asks and the whole class turns right at me.
Erik: I just..i just didnt feel well,thats all.. I look down trying to shake off the feeling of being watched by so many people at once.
He goes on teaching the class and everyone else acts like this never happened,i took the test..i knew..nothing. I dont wanna fail that class,gosh,one bad grade and my reputation is ruined..ive got straifht As i cant get a B or a C..its gonna ruin everything for me! Day goes on as freaking usual, boring, i cant wait to see Leo again..i wonder when hes going to notice i should prob leave his place by now. What if he doesnt want me to leave and will let me move in with him,last night was a lot for me..i was on top of him gosh that was so embarrassing..thank god i didnt have to see him this morning,i would've probably gotten so shy.
I get out of high school and i see Leos car,getting closer and closer to it i can see him talking to someone whos in the passenger seat. Whos that?..I feel the jealousy rise up in my body and i can feel it in my veins,why am i so mad hes talking to someone? am i crazy?.. A guy gets out of the car and Leo waves at him,so does that guy,leading to Leo striking a smile on his face..a genuine one..as that boy walks away. What the fuck. Who is that guy and why is he talking to Leo. I get in the car.
Leo: Hey,Erik!
Erik:Hey,how are you? I look at him.
Leo: im good,im sorry i wasnt there this morning,i had an important meeting at work since a colleague of mine got really injured.
I sit in silence just watching him..hes happier than before,ive never seen him so happy..was it because of that guy? no,it cant be,im js acting crazy rn.
Leo: anything happened at hg? He starts the car.
Erik: i had a test and knew nothing,im gonna ruin my reputation at school. I pull my phone and act uninterested in him.
Leo: sucks to hear that but i think i can help you get a good grade on it,do u have the teachers phone number? If not,thats not a problem either.
Erik: how can you even help? this isnt a joke im genuinely worried ab my grade. I put the phone down angrily.
Leo: i know its not a joke,im not joking around. His face gets dead serious. So do u want the good grade or not?
Erik: yes,i do,its a math test also. I lean back in the car seat and close my eyes.
Leo: okay.
We get home and i cant stop thinking about who he was talking to and what did they even talked about that made him extremely happy..was it his crush or maybe even his..lover? no,he cant have a lover that doesnt live with him,it wouldnt make any sense for his partner to live with someone else but him. Leo goes in the bathroom:
Leo: im going to take a shower,okay?
Erik: okay,enjoy! i say smiling at him.
Leo enters the bathroom and i see he left his phone on the table, i grab it and i try to open it..he has a password, after many tries i unlock his phone and i go straight to his messages..it was..a name. Liam. who the fuck is Liam. I go through the messages and its all about how hes so happy about something and that he cant wait to throw a party..he never mentioned a party..i feel so jealous whats wrong with me,ugh.
I hear the bathroom door open and Leo comes out with a towel around his waist..hes..still soaked from the shower..i cant feel nervous right now since im filled with jealousy.
Leo: whats up? He says drying his hair w another towel.
I sit in silence and give him an upset look.
Leo: why are u looking at me like that? he laughs. Whats wrong?
I get up and go straight into his room..well..our room now cus i got used to sleeping next to him..so did he. I played it off like im sleeping when he was in the room,he finally turns off the light and its all silent..its me and my thoughts. What if hes in love with this guy,Liam..why cant Leo like me..im not good enough for anyone, i dont understand why i cant be loved. Am i not lovable? why cant i be happy with someone..everyone who i met didnt like me like that..i just wish he'd love me and not that fucking prick ugh..tears go down my face and i feel like my heart is beating faster and faster,i get up and run to the bathroom,locking myself in there..I think i woke up Leo,who fucking cares i should just die. I look in the cabinets and i find some sleeping pills. Lets see if i can overdose on these motherfuckers,thats what i need,i need to die..maybe like that Leos goinv to be more happy. I take the whole bottle of pills and find some more,i gulp them down and i hear Leo yelling at me.
Leo: OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR I CAN HEAR YOU CRYING IN THERE,WHATS WRONG WITH YOU? he frantically kicks the door.
Erik: let me die! i say..crying.
Leo actually broke the door down and he finds me on the floor.
Leo: OH GOD,ERIK HOW MANY DID U TAKE? he picks up the bottles. ALL OF THEM? ARE YOU MENTAL.
Erik: im so sorry.. I sob.
Leo gets down and hugs me. He..hugged me? i hug him tighter than ever.
Leo: ..whats wrong with you,calm down,its okay..theyre not that affective they wont do anything to you but make you sleep. Shh.. He runs his fingers through my hair.
Erik: i..i have to leave..its been more than- I sob and sniff. Than two days..i have to,dont i? I cry even harder.
Leo: oh silly,of course not..you dont,its fine if you stay here i dont mind it at all. Is that why you're crying? You dont wanna be alone or whats going on,Erik?
Erik: ..whos..whos Liam..youre in love with him arent you! i saw the texts messages and how you smiled at him and you were so happy after he left..even when you were in the car with him! I whine.
Leo laughs.
Leo: thats my brother,you dumbass, i was happy he passed his exam with a straight A.
Erik: what about the party..why didnt you tell me about the party,do you not want me to come with you as well? I cover my face.
Leo: i was going to tell you when right when i got out of the shower but you were pissed of by something..now i know why. He picks me up and takes me to the bedroom,placing me on it.
Erik: im so sorry for this..im such a dumbass.. I look anywhere but his eyes.
Leo: its okay. He gets into bed,laying next to me. Its fine,dont stress it..now get some rest,silly.
Half an hour passes by.
Erik: Leo..did u fall alseep? I face him.
Leo: no..what is it?
Erik: Leo..do you love someone..?
Leo: dont be stupid,i dont need such thing as a partner or a relationship, i wanna focus on myself more,i dont need anyone and no i dont love anyone,i dont think i ever will,im independent and can support myself and i consider it a pain in the ass to have a partner.
Erik: oh.. I turn away from him. Okay..
Leo: goodnight.
Erik: goodnight.. I start crying but i muffle my whine and i let the tears go down my face till i fall asleep.