Sunflower

Chaoter 26

Andrea arrived last night, Theo still won't talk to me and Kelsie has been badgering me to try and get any sort of information on what the hell happened that caused this reaction. I'm sitting on the porch swing with a glass of whiskey while smoking my cigarette, I've barely slept these past few days because guilt has been eating me up from the inside out

'I was afraid of you breaking his'

I pinch the bridge of my nose and close my eyes for a second before finishing my cigarette and instantly lighting up another "you're going to lose a lung that way" Andrea says as she joins me on the swing "what the hell happened between you and Theo that has got you this fucked up? I haven't seen you like this- well never actually, Nellie you weren't even this messed up after your break up with Nick. We're worried about you" Andrea says, I down my drink "I'm sorry that i lied to you, I didn't want you to feel bad. Theo is just softer than he pretends to be and he falls for people too fast, it's what happened with his ex. You saw the side effect of that when you had to pick him up that day after seeing her" Andrea continues, I know she must already be suspicious "Did you guys hook up? Is that what happened?" She asks "No and I don't blame you for lying to me, Andy, I just never realised how bad of a person I was" I say

I take a drag and blow the smoke up

"I didn't say you were"

"I know that, it's not you. It's me, I said some stupid shit to him and he walked out of the house and hasn't talked to me since. Theo and I were friends, I fucked it up"

"Have you tried to talk to him?"

"In between the random girls?"

"Right"

"Im moving out, Andy."

"What no, don't. It's not that bad is it?"

I finally turn to look at her, it's the first time I really have looked at her since she arrived. She's gone a beautiful golden, her summer freckles showing around her nose "you look great" I smile and she returns it instantly, in that moment I genuinely contemplate telling her everything that has happened the past two weeks but something inside of me doesn't let me, the sheer thought of losing her too breaking my already broken heart. I reach down for the bottle of whiskey underneath the swing and refill my glass "I really appreciate you letting me rent that room for the past four months, I just think it's best I go. I've already found a place and they've accepted my offer, it's five minute drive from here. I wanted to tell you earlier but I wanted to be sure of it first, I move out tomorrow" I explain, her eyes are filled with tears "I'm going to miss your pancakes" she jokes, I let out a chuckle. The first one in days "I'll make you pancakes whenever you want, I may be moving out but things aren't changing between us. You're still my best friend" I say

"I know"

I hand her the bottle

"Tell me about Spain"

And she does, every single detail of her amazing vacation with Alex and how exciting it all was. My heart swells with happiness at how happy she is, how well Alex treats her and how excited she is about life in general

Later that day she helps me pack everything and put it in my car so I can be out of here first thing in the morning. Alex comes over to pick Andrea up so they can go for their date and I head out back to the garden, I sit cross legged on the grass with my bottle of whiskey and my cigarettes like earlier. I take a huge swig from the bottle, finish up my smoke before laying back watching the star that are shinning bright against the darkness of the sky. Tears swell in my eyes as the guilt tears through me

Guilt for breaking my promise to Andrea

Guilt for saying things I clearly didn't fucking mean

Guilt for hurting Theo

Guilt for all of it

I hear the crunch of boots against grass and feel someone lay down next to me "I heard you're moving" Theo says, I nod "you don't have to go because of me" he adds "yes I do" I reply "I should've spoken to you" he says but I shake my head "you don't owe me anything anymore, not after the way I spoke to you" I say trying hard to keep the tears in my eyes "we had to break things off sooner or later, we agreed for nothing but sex right"

"Right"

"So there's nothing else to say"

"Right"

"I'm sorry about all the girls"

"I'm sorry I pushed you to do that"

Theo sighs next to me "Sunflower we don't have to end things in an ugly way"

"I already have when I said all that shit to you Theo"

"You were scared"

"Of what?"

"Of getting serious after Nick"

"Theo?" A girls voice calls from inside, I finally turn to him, his eyes are red rimmed and cheeks are flushed clearly from alcohol but his eyes they're glossy. Our eyes lock and it's like the sadness we both feel flow through the lack of contact "your company is calling" I say my voice cracking in a way that makes me feel fucking weak "yeah" Theo clears his throat, gets up and leaves me alone. I watch him, I watch him hesitate by the door but walk in anyways without another glance back

The next day, I get in my freshly fixed car and move to my new apartment. Taking the entire day to unpack the few things I brought with me, I got an already furnished two bedroom apartment. Kitchen and living room separated by a marble island with three white stools matching the kitchen cabinets. The living room consists of a grey sofa bed, white coffee table, white TV cabinet with the TV resting on top and a long bookshelf on its right . The glass doors leading to a little balcony facing the beach with two lounge chairs. Both rooms are the same, with a large bed, desk, set of drawers and wardrobe, all white

I go grocery shopping, to buy some stuff I need, a lot of junk, booze and cigarettes because I know exactly how I'll be spending most of the days anyways. After putting everything away, I go outside with my bottle of whiskey and cigarettes before sitting down watching the sun setting in the horizon while getting black out fucked