Human - phan

The Previously Untold Tales

The Previously Untold Stories of Ellie Mansford, Edward 'Knuckles' Carlton andMatt Marwick

Prologue

Matt was even quieter than usual the day after the boys' impromptu night-time visit, and Ellie was a little concerned.

"You alright?" She asked over breakfast.

"Yeah, I'm okay. Just thinking a lot."

"What are you thinking about?" Ellie used her spoon to catapult a Cheerio at Matt's head, but he caught it in his palm with lightning reflexes, seemingly without even looking. Ellie let out a snort of frustration. She'd catch him one day.

"I'm thinking about last night."

Ellie nodded. "What about it?"

"It made me think something." Matt said, his gaze somewhere far away from the room in front of him.

"Yes?" She prompted.

"I want to get out of here."

"Well, yeah, obviously."

"No, I mean I really do. It reminded me. It's easy to forget, you know? To get used to life in here. It's safe and warm and it's not always easy but everyone knows you and knows how to look after you and you're never going to get into trouble. It's easy to finding yourself thinking, just by accident, that maybe you're better off in here. It's easy to think 'I'll go when I'm ready. Not now. Later.' Because outside is scary, we wouldn't be in here if it wasn't."

"I think I know what you mean," Ellie said slowly. "I mean, I haven't been here long. But every inch of me is focusing on getting used to life inside, not thinking about life outside. Maybe that's just my defence mechanism, because I'm new. I'm worrying about the most important thing first and trying to forget everything else. But I think I feel the same thing already. Only guiltily, you know? Just, every now and then."

Matt was stirring his cereal absentmindedly with the wrong end of his spoon, but Ellie didn't say anything. He didn't go to school either, so since she had arrived at the facility they had eaten breakfast alone together every day once the rest of the house had left.

"Exactly," Matt said after far too long of a pause, but Ellie didn't mind. "But seeing them was a reminder. I want out. I want to live. They were so passionate and vivid and alive. Like, the way they looked at you with such care and devotion. I miss that. We spend a lot of time being really careful and trying to control our emotions in here, not letting things ever get extreme. But sometimes extreme is okay. Passion is okay. It's good."

"Everything is careful in here," Ellie said thoughtfully. "It has to be. It helps you feel safe. Routine. Order. Slow and gentle and always explaining everything. You know everything's going to be the same, so you don't have to worry."

"Yes, and that's good. Everyone in here needs that, for whatever reason, but it's too easy to let yourself think that you're not well enough to go without it. That you're not ever going to be well enough. But we're here to get better, not here to stay. Even if the chances of you ever being completely independent are tiny, you shouldn't give up. Don't ever stop trying. Because as soon as you think you can't do it, you condemn yourself. That's the thing about mental illness, it's all in your head."

The corner of Ellie's mouth twitched as she surveyed Matt over the box of cornflakes in the middle of the table.

"What will you do first, when you get out?" She asked.

Matt's lips creased into a grin. "We get asked that a lot. I think for the very reason I've just mused about, they want to keep us motivated. So I've got two answers. The official response - the one I tell them, and the real one. Which one do you want?"

"Both. Official one first."

"I'm going to run whooping through the town. Then I'm going to buy a whole cake and eat it, all by myself. And then I'm going to pet a dog. I don't care what dog, I'll find one."

Ellie laughed. "That sounds like a pretty good plan. What's the real one?"

"I'm going to run. I'm going to run for the hills, and then run some more. I'll get a bus to the station, and then a train as far as I can go. I want to find mountains and a forest, and I'm going to run until I can't see any roads or any houses or streetlamps or cars or cables or anything anymore. Ideally, a South American rainforest would be nice, but a really thick, English forest will do. I want to feel as free as the animals and the birds. And then plan A is to become one with nature and live out the rest of my days in a cave, never seeing another bloody human again. They're the cause of like, 90% of my problems after all." Matt sniggered, scooping the last of his soggy cornflakes into his mouth. "Plan B, I'll go for a really long walk in the forest and then come home. I'll be honest with you, I'm going to buy a return ticket. My head may be wild, but my heart is a little more timid."

"I like it," Ellie grinned as they got up together to wash their dishes. "I haven't given much thought to it yet. I mean for me, freedom was only a week ago. I still remember the feeling of wind on my cheeks and the sun on my skin."

"What about grass between your toes?"

"Yes, that too."

"I don't really remember freedom."

Ellie stopped moving, the water running down the spoon she was holding and splashing onto the sideboard. "What do you mean?" She asked uneasily. "How long have you been here?"

"A few years," Matt shrugged. "What I mean is, I was trapped long before I came here. There are a lot of things I don't remember. And the only times where almost everything was okay were so long ago that they're like childhood memories now, you know? You don't really remember them anymore, you just remember remembering them."

Ellie ran her slender fingers through her hair, pulling it over one shoulder as she followed Matt out of the kitchen. She watched the back of his head quietly as he talked.

"That's what we've got to remember," Matt continued. "It's not just about surviving through the day. It's about making every day better than the last. And stop thinking 'I'll be out of here as soon as I'm ready'. Start thinking 'am I ready yet? How about now?' that's my new game plan."

"It's a good one." Ellie said softly.

"It's for you, too. We can make it."

"If we try-ay."

"What?"

"Never mind."