The Love We Give

New Realities and Old Wounds

TW depiction of rape

Leaving behind the last flashback, this chapter takes place a few months after chapter 4.
Hange and Sira will have their comeback very soon - I hate the way things are between them, but the angst is necessary sometimes, right?

Song recommendation for this chapter:
"hope to see you again" by Antent

Three months, two weeks, six days.

She felt so stupid for having count the days again and again, but it had been three months, two weeks, and six days exactly, since Hange had broken up with her. Or whatever it was. Besides Erwin, they had never told anyone about their relationship. In fact, neither of them had ever called it an actual relationship, up until Hange said it didn't go together with being a Scout. But still, it felt precisely like a break up and the first few weeks afterwards had been really hard on Sira. This new daily life, she had to get used to, was what she had always been scared of. It was even worse than feeling drawn to Hange, but not being able to act upon it, when she still had no idea, that Hange would reciprocate these feelings. Before they had shared their first kiss, she felt that tension, that reluctancy and a desire to be close to her. But it was bearable; all the time it was bearable.

This, on the other hand, wasn't. Seeing Hange almost every day, suddenly with that distance between them and Hange's rejecting attitude; having to work with her, be close to her, while acting like nothing had ever happened, was hard. Many times, Sira really had to pull herself together, especially when other people were around. Moblit seemed to be making this very difficult on top of that, since he seemed to notice the sudden change of atmosphere between his squad leader and his comrade. Then again – the distance and silence between them was so obvious, even rumours had started to spread. Erwin gave his best to shut them down, but not even he could eradicate all the talk and gossip.

Everything had changed so much and yet, many things still were exactly like they were before, which made everything so much harder. Hange now usually took Moblit with her whenever she left Wall Rose to go and see the captured titan, and still, Sira was part of her squad. Whenever Commander Shadis ordered the Scouts to a new mission, Hange's and Sira's usual bantering, their light-hearted moods, all their laughter, had been exchanged for short-spoken commands and silence, and still, they had to work together. The atmosphere between them lacked its usual intimacy, even Moblit could see it, how the two of them seemed to be so indifferent and distant, and yet, whenever Sira looked at Hange, she felt that sharp, shattering pain in her heart, because she couldn't act so indifferent towards her. Not like Hange did.

Sira thought back to her brother's words and how he would try comforting her that she would get used to it. But for the last three months, two weeks and six days, nothing had gotten better at all. The crying had stopped, but not that feeling of having her heart ripped out, not that feeling of having the rug pulled from under her feet. And it hurt her to see how Hange seemingly managed her feelings so much better than she did. She was colder towards her, not abrasive, but Sira felt the difference – and everybody around them could see it just as much.

With a rattling sound, Moblit set down a wooden tray onto the grass. He had spotted Sira upon leaving the headquarter, approaching her quietly.

"Haven't seen you having breakfast for the last few days. Eat.", he said with a warm smile while sitting down next to her, pointing to the tray with food and steaming hot tea. Sira had been here for a while, laying in the grass and watching the clouds pass by. But now she sat up, looking at Moblit with a squeamish expression; she really didn't feel like eating. Without hesitation, he handed her a piece of bread; not before ripping it in half, though, as if he could see how much she struggled to take it from him.