A Dream and A Bonus || BANGCHAN

17. "Kazuha didn't want to come."

*the artists these songs are from don't exist as musicians (they're just actors) in this universe. I won't say who but iykyk*

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I found myself going to the bed and curling up under the covers. My body was numb. My mind was racing so fast that I couldn't catch a single thought. He was gone. And I was in pain. It felt as if we had had this relationship for years and just ended over something small. I felt alone, despite the girls sitting next to me comforting me. I didn't understand why I was feeling his leave this hard. I thought I would be better. Before the accident, when we planned to leave, I wasn't this bad. I held my emotions in real good. Why couldn't I do that now? Why was I such a mess? 

Suddenly, a thought sprang forward. I need to write these feelings down. We've been writing songs for a while now, but none of them sat right, and we ended up throwing them away. But now there was a line that stuck:

"All I did was try my best; is this the kind of thanks I get? I'm relentlessly upset. They say these are the best years, but I just want to disappear. Gosh, it's brutal out here."

It wasn't perfect, but it was something. And yes, this thing Chan and I had was beautiful, but it was hardly a thing. We were hardly anything.

I got a bubble message from Chan saying he couldn't wait to see his fans and shut my phone off. After he left, I saw I had a message from Jeongin. I added him and sent a message, but he didn't reply as they were probably busy getting ready.

"Are you okay?" Vic asked. We were all huddled up in bed, waiting for dumb, emotional little me to get over it. I shook my head and just closed my eyes.

"I'll try and sleep it off." I mumbled, barely having the energy to speak. They were quiet about that. And really, what could they have said? Nothing was working. They gave their comforting words and back rubs, and I was grateful, but at that moment, none of it mattered. Because all I could think about was that he was gone.

I didn't fall asleep, but the longer I lay waiting for sleep to reach me, my eyes turned dry. My headache eased a bit, and my body stopped shaking. My mind cleared up.

As I had skipped lunch, I was starving. As a distraction, I made dinner. My comfort Curry that my mom would always make. It took me an hour to finish, and as I hoped, I didn't think. And during dinner, I told them about the song idea.

"We can hire a recording booth like we did at home." For covers, if we didn't sing live for our videos, we'd hire a recording booth to record our covers. We planned on buying one of those microphones with the foldable isolation shields but never actually got to it. But now it actually seems like a good idea. And after all our meets, and how viral our latest video went, we made a bit more money than normal. So I think we could afford it all.

"Do you have a final song? Or just parts of it?" Madi asked mid-chew. Shaking my head, I made a disgusted face, and she stuck her tongue out, making Vic and I laugh.

"I have parts. But it's a lot, and it... Like it won't go all together, so if you say yes, we can continue to write it and make songs. You know?"

"I'm down. I mean, we've all been writing stuff, so if we put our songs together, I think it could work." Vic pointed it out, and I smiled.

"Then let's get writing. And we have a big enough fanbase that we don't need a label. And plus, I want to work on my own terms."

We all agreed and finished eating. After we cleaned up, we exchanged notes and started working. I ordered the mic stand, and we let Ross know our plans.

***

We had to meet Le Sserafim today at one thirty pm. We were meeting them for lunch first before our videos, as it would've been weird if we just met, filmed, and left.