Trauma Stories

Envy

Sometimes I wish I was him. Your groomed boyfriend. Your perfectly manipulated yes-man. The guy you met and started dating when he was 13.Not because I like that. But because then we would have never fought. Then I would be living with you right now. Then I would not be sobbing and crying my eyes out constantly because of the scars you left me with.

Oh, how blissful life must be as someone you have shaped since they were a child. Shaped into exactly what you want.I think about how sorry I am for him a lot. I think about how you stole his teen years from him. About how he didn't get to develop without your interference to turn him into the perfect, agreeable boytoy.

I can never say if I want him to wake up from his trance. On one hand, yes. He should free himself, break out of the box you trapped him in. Unpack the damage you've caused and find someone who doesn't need him to be their perfect puppet.On the other hand... it would hurt. A lot. And I know what it's like to break free from you. The never-ending pain it causes. How it feels to have your ability to love taken away from you by a manipulative egomaniac.I can never say if it would be worth it for him.

The guilt is eating me up from the inside. The horrible feeling that comes with envying the people you've ruined after me. They're victims too. Just simply ones that haven't realized it yet.But I envy them. Because you made me addicted to you. Because you rewired my brain into dependance. I need you to stay alive, but I hate you so much.

I can't have you anymore. My actions made sure of that. Everytime I speak out about the things you did to me and others, you hate me more. You don't like it when people hold you accountable. And you never change to make up for actions either.Everytime you meet someone, you manipulate them. You lie to the point where I cannot tell which of the things you've told me are true. Your words, your actions, your facial expressions even. None of it can be trusted.

And then, the second that your hold on a person loosens and they realize that you're lying and that you've hurt them, you let them fall into the abyss. They are now the devil himself to you and you will make sure everyone else sees them that way too.

You leave a trail of trauma. Not yours. But the trauma you have caused.And you stay the same. Except now, you've also made out with a child. And I envy him.