How I Commited Suicide

Chapter 8 - "Can I help you with these?"

Unedited

Previously...

I just sit there feeling confused and upset with myself.

Present

I don't know how long I sit there for but when I look up, I see the sun setting. Maybe I should go in. But Alex is probably still upset with me. Why did he have to hit me? Maybe he thinks Noah wouldn't treat me right? Maybe he fucking hates me. Maybe he's just having a bad day. I get snapped out of my thoughts by a hand waving in front of my face. I blink my eyes a couple times then look to my left only to be greeted by Alex. Well isn't that ironic. I quickly turn away and try to hide the fact that I have fresh wounds. "Where did you go?" He asks me. "What does that have to do with anything?" I retort back, not really in the mood to talk. He doesn't respond but I feel his gaze on me. I shift a little, trying to hide my body. I should've put the sweater back on. "Hey, I'm sorry. I'm really really sorry about how I acted." I stay silent, still looking the other way. "I feel protective over you and that's not an excuse, but it's one of the reasons I acted the way I did. Zan... I'm so sorry, I never meant to hurt you. Just- Seeing him on top of you... I-I don't know... It just hurt a little and I shouldn't have hurt you for doing nothing wrong." I turn to him. "What are you saying?" I ask him. "I-I love you," he says with watery eyes coated in guilt. What? He loves me? "Y- you hit me and now you're saying it's because you love me?" I scoot away slightly and look away from him. "I hit you because I was jealous and stupid. I don't know what came over me, you didn't deserve that." "I deserve worse," I mutter under my breath. "No Zan, you didn't fucking deserve that. You deserve to be treated better," he tells me, gently placing his hand on my hand that rests upon my knee. He holds my hand and pulls it toward him before I feel a soft touch on my wrist and I flinch, turning to him ready to pull my hand back. I look at him; tears cascading down his face as he closes his eyes, gently kissing my cuts. He stays there for a moment then proceeds to place his lips on the next batch of wounds. I feel a tear fall onto my cuts but I'm unfazed by it. I'm too mesmerized and confused to speak. He continues to kiss my whole arm where each line resides and I let him. "I'm sorry..." I say in a quiet voice. Alex looks up at me, "For what?" "I'm sorry you're seeing me like this." "I'd rather see you like this than not see you at all," he tells me, furrowing his eyebrows before pulling me toward him embracing me into a hug. He holds me tight but gentle. I hug him back, wrapping my arms around his shoulders as he burrows his face in my neck. I reach my hand up to his long milk chocolate hair, slowly running my fingers through each strand. I feel his tears and I feel bad, I can't help but think that seeing me like this hurts him. "Can I help you with these?" He asks while kissing a few cuts on my shoulder. "Y-yeah. You can help." He sits up and looks at me. I lift my hand and wipe his tears with the pad of my thumb. I notice his cheek has a pinkish hue from when I slapped him so I turn his face to look at it. I caress his face gently before kissing his cheek. His eyes glisten and a gentle warm smile appears on his face. He grabs my hand and we get up, ready to go in the house. I put on my hoodie before entering. When we get inside, Emilio and Kevin are playing around wrestling. I see Noah cheering them on before he looks over in our direction. I nod my head in a 'sup' motion and he does the same back. "Let's clean you up, come on," Alex says to me, heading up the stairs. I look at him as he speaks then look back at Noah. I look back at Alex and follow him up the stairs. I don't even know what the fuck to do anymore. Me and Alex go into the bathroom and I make sure to lock the door because I don't want more people to see my destroyed skin. I take off my hoodie and grab a rag from one of the drawers and turn the tap to wet it with water. "Don't use that, that's too rough," Alex tells me as he wets his hands and starts wiping the cuts on my arms. I wince at the feeling. "I've used it before," I tell him. "You shouldn't, it's too rough." He scrunches his eyebrows together in a worried expression. He wets his hands again and goes to wipe a deep cut on my stomach. I let out a whine, "fuck," I breathe out. "Here, just sit down and I'll take care of it okay?" He lifts me up and sits me on the counter of the sink. I just look at him, admiring how he's handling me. He opens a drawer and looks through it, picking up a container of cotton pads. He takes one out and wets it, continuing to clean up all the wounds and dried blood. I look down in shame. He doesn't even know how bad my legs are. I can't help myself from crying, it just happens. Alex looks up at me. "Hey, it's okay," he tells me holding my hands in his. I look down and start bawling. He pulls me into a hug and I instantly wrap my arms around him, gripping onto his shirt. "I- it's worse," I try to say through the tears. "What is?" I hold onto him for a little longer, wanting to feel safe. I slow my crying as he sways me gently and holds onto me. I take a shaky breath and pull away from him. I stay seated on the counter while I slowly shimmy my pants off, revealing my legs that look even worse then the rest of my body. I hear him gasp as I continue to take them off fully. "Zanna," he looks at me. I kick my pants off my ankles and leave my hands in my lap looking down at the damage I've caused to myself. The cuts on my legs are way deeper than most of the other ones. I don't expect it, but Alex gets down on his knees and starts kissing my legs. "Thank you," I tell him. "For what?" He looks up at me from the ground. "Thank you for caring." "You don't need to thank me, I just care about you, I want to help you," he says standing back up. I hold his cheek in my hand, looking into his eyes. It's almost like we read each other's minds because we both lean in, feeling each other's lips. He cups the side of my face with his right hand. The kiss passionate and hungry, I'm desperate for this to last longer. He places his other hand on my waist but it makes me flinch and I let out a little, "ah fuck." "I'm sorry, did I hurt you?" I don't respond and just kiss him again which he gladly kisses back. After a few minutes he pulls away and touches his forehead to mine. We stay there for a little before deciding to finish cleaning me up. I put my pants and hoodie back on once we're done cleaning up. We go downstairs and greet Emilio, George, and Noah. They're all rolling up joints. "Sup guys, where were y'all at?" George asks as the three of them turn to us. "We were just talking, you guys got any joints already rolled?" Alex says to them quickly changing the subject as we take a seat on the couch with them. "I actually just finished this one, I'm about to spark it," Emilio says, picking up a lighter. "Where's Kevin?" I ask not really to anyone specific. "He went to drop off Thomas, guess he had to go home," George says. I look at Noah and he's just rolling his joint not really acknowledging the conversation. I just nod my head in response to George. "Marco!" Emilio shouts, coughing a little bit from the hit he just took. "Polo!" We all yelled. I manage to say it quicker though because Emilio hands the joint to me. I take two fat ass rips from it and pass it to Alex since Emilio's on our left anyway so might as well pass it to the right. Noah and George finish rolling their joints. Only a few minutes goes by and now there's all three joints being passed around. "I'm getting a water," Noah says, getting up and going to the kitchen. Shortly after, I get up as well to get water. I walk into the kitchen and Noah's sitting down on a barstool looking at the ground with a water bottle in his hand. "Hey, you okay?" I ask as I approach him. He looks up at me and nods his head. "I'm just wondering what you and Alex were talking about. I mean he said he was gonna check up on you cuz we saw you sitting outside and you guys were out there for a while, but then when y'all came back in, you went upstairs with him," he tells me, clearly sounding confused but also hurt. "Noah, it wasn't like that, he just..." "He just what?" "He was upset about something so I was talking with him and he saw all the marks I have." "Turn your head." "What?" I ask him. He comes over to me and lifts his hand quickly to my face which makes me flinch. He grabs my jaw and turns my head to the right to look at my left cheek. "Did he do this?" "Noah," I say stepping back and covering my face with my hair. "Did he? Or did he not?" He looks upset now. "N-no, I don't even know what you're talking about. Everything's fine." He looks at me with a 'bitch really?' look on his face. "Noah it's fine, everything's fine now." "So he did fucking hit you," he scoffs, starting to walk back to the living room. I grab his hand and pull him back. "Noah chill can you just talk with me for a second?" "What do you mean, he fucking hit you and you wanna defend him?" "Yes." He scoffs again at me, "That's fucking ridiculous." "You don't know the whole story." He stops trying to walk away and looks at me. "What's the story then?" He asks, sitting back on the barstool. "Can we talk outside?" I ask. He just sighs and gets up. We go through the backdoor and into the backyard. We sit down on the metal chairs that are out here and I tell him everything that happened. "This is how you got stuck with Ryan." "What? This is completely different." "Not by much, he fucking hit you because of some jealousy. Did Ryan not do that?" He says looking at me. I don't even know what to say. "Zan, don't let him do that ever fucking again, I'm really tempted to beat his fucking face in-" "He apologized, he just felt a type of way, I get it." "Well I don't. I've 'felt a type of way' about you being with other people, I'm not over here hitting you because I'm jealous." He has a point. "I just don't want you getting treated like that." "He's not gonna do it again," I tell him. "You don't know that!" He yells, visibly upset. "Noah, if it happens again then it'll be an issue, but everything's fine now." "It's already a fucking issue! He shouldn't have fucking done that no matter how he was fucking feeling!" "I know that but-" "You're so fucking delusional!" "You're not my fucking dad!" I yell at him. "No shit but I am fucking dumb for caring about you 'cause you don't fucking listen to me! I told you that shit was going to happen with Ryan and now look, not taking anything I say into consideration AGAIN!! It's fucking crazy how you're just okay with getting hit as long as they apologize, like that fucking fixes anything! You're fucking de-lu-sional!" He screams at me. "You're delusional for thinking I wouldn't forgive a little slap." I say calmly as my heart races. "That's not little!" "You know what I fucking meant. It was just a slap. Get over it,"  I tell him, tired of the yelling. "You really think you're worth jack shit, don't you?" "You're really asking me that like you don't know the answer?" I retort back, looking at him for a second before going back inside. I grab a water bottle from the kitchen and go into the living room sitting on an empty loveseat next to the others. "Here, Zan," Emilio says to me, passing a half smoked joint. "You can have the rest of that since you missed some of the rotation," he says. They looked like they all heard the yelling. "Thanks." I take a fat hit and look down at the ground. I hear Noah come back in and he sits down next to me. I lean against the armrest so there's some distance between us and I continue hitting the joint like there's no tomorrow. "Can you guys stop staring?" I hear Noah say agitatedly. I feel his eyes on me so I look at him and blow the smoke I just inhaled into his face. He squints his eyes while the smoke covers his face. "I just don't wanna see you like that again, he fucked you up," he whispers to me. "I know," I say quietly before taking another hit. He swings his arm over my shoulder and gives me a little side hug. "Aye who wants to play some beer pong?" Kevin shouts as he comes in through the front door. He walks into the living room with two twenty-four cases of Coronas. "Ooh nice, I'll get a table set up," George says. "I got another box in the car, I'm gonna get it real quick," Kevin says, putting the two boxes he had on the floor. I sit up and take a few nice long drags of my joint. "Yoo you should be on my team Alex," George says walking back in from setting up the table I'm assuming. "Yeah, I'm down," Alex replies. "You wanna be on my team Zan?" Emilio asks me. "Sure," I say as I breathe out smoke. Kevin comes back in with the last box. "Alright who's with who?" He asks everyone. "Me and Alex are teaming up," George says. "Me and Zanna are a team," Emilio says. "Y'all  fucked up, me and Noah are gonna kick all of your asses," Kevin says laughing. "We'll see about that," I tell him, finishing off my joint. A few of the boys laugh as we all make our way to the kitchen where the island is cleared off with rows of cups aligned in a triangle on both sides. George and Noah rock paper scissors and George loses. So George and I rock paper scissors, which he loses again. So the first round will be me and Emilio versus Kevin and Noah. Kevin and Noah end up winning that round so now the losers play against each other; me and Emilio versus Alex and George. Emilio and I end up winning against them so the next match, we play against Kevin and Noah again for all the marbles. Both our teams have one cup left and it's my turn to throw the ball. I line it up and toss the ball. It goes in the cup but somehow it bounces back out. Emilio goes next and...

To be continued...

A/n: hey y'all, I know this one's a longer chapter, I just kept writing but I hope y'all are enjoying the story. I don't really know what the end of the story is gonna look like or when that will be but stay tuned to find out. Enjoy!

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