How I Commited Suicide

Chapter 4 - *skip to the next chapter of you're uncomfortable with self harm*

Edited.

**Disclaimer** if you get uncomfortable and/or triggered with self harm, I highly advise you skip to the next chapter, I promise you're not missing much.
On to the story..

Previously:

It was a nice walk, but it didn't last too long.

Present:

We finally make it home and I walk up to the door, getting my keys. I unlock the door and we head inside the house. I could feel their eyes on me. Mostly Alex and Nolan's. I hurry and head upstairs and into my room.

I put my backpack down, close my door, and slide down it thinking about how I almost revealed my emotions to someone. That can't happen.

*TRIGGER WARNINGGG!!!*

You're so pathetic. You're such a slut. You don't know which one you want. You're so fat. Why do you wear crop tops? Your fat just shows. No one will even want you. You're obsessed with cutting yourself. What a loser. I bet you want to cut more, don't you? I bet if you killed yourself no one would care. No one cares about you. Just do it already. You're a waste of space and energy.

I feel myself crying. Tears streaming down my face.

My thoughts getting the best of me, I go to my nightstand drawer, getting my small little box that I keep in there. I open up the little box and see my blades. Why do I always resort to this? YOU'RE A FUCKING LOSER THAT'S WHY!! You can get through this. JUST DIE ALREADY!! Just breathe. DO IT!! Don't.

And of course, I listen to the demonic side of my thoughts. I pick up one of the blades and hold it up to my arm. I don't wanna do it. But I'm addicted to this. I love the feeling it gives me. But I know it's bad for me. But no one cares.

I push down and drag it across. Tears falling from my eyes. I'm trying to keep my sobs quiet as best as I can. I don't want anyone to stop me. Not in this moment. I can't stop. I move the blade down to a different spot, push down, drag across. Over. And over. And over. And over. And over again. I couldn't stop. There was no more space on my arm so I moved to the other arm. Same thing. Over and over and over and over and over again. No more space. I looked at my stomach. I take off my shirt leaving me in my bra. I look down. You're so fucking fat. I bring the blade to my stomach. Cut. Cut. Cut. Slice. Slice. Slice. I start to feel a burn and I cry even more. I can't bring myself to stop so I pull my pants down and do the same thing to my thighs. My calves. My waist. My hips. I glance over at my clock on my wall above the door; 3:27pm it read. I've been doing this for 30 minutes now. A sense of satisfaction washes over me, I feel satisfied enough with the damage I've done to myself. I put the blade away back in my little box and put it back in my nightstand drawer. I pull my pants back up and put a big hoodie on, leaving my room to the bathroom that's at the end of the hall up here. I push my hair to cover my face in case anyone sees me. No one can know. I go into the bathroom and lock the door. I take off the hoodie and pants and get a rag, wetting it to begin wiping the cuts. I wince from the pain at first. Shut the fuck up. I keep my mouth shut and finish wiping my cuts. Some of them are still bleeding a little but I don't care. I put the rag in my hoodie pocket after I put my clothes back on. I leave the bathroom and go back to my room. I throw the rag in my dirty laundry pile in my closet and take off my hoodie and pants. It was hurting my cuts.

*TRIGGERING PART OVERR*

I start crying all over again. Why do you just HAVE to let everyone down? This is why no one loves or cares about you. No. SHUT UP!! I'm fine. Sure, go tell everyone that. LIES! And this is why you're crying like a maniac right now. You have no one to turn to. No support system.
You're A L O N E
My thoughts get pushed aside when I hear a knock on the door. "Zanna?" I hear someone call out. I couldn't make out who it was and I couldn't really speak, I was having a breakdown. A panic attack. "Zanna?" The person walks in and I see through my blurry eyes.....

To be continued...

Hey everyonee! Quite an intense chapter am I right? Sorry if you were uncomfortable but I did say trigger warning which means it's gonna be kinda uncomfortable. I'm not making fun of self harm in any way, I've had plenty experience with this as well and I'm writing how it feels from my experience and for the character development. If you don't like the way this story is going.. then you simply don't have to read it. Anyway, enjoy the next chapter!

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