Push and Pull (Sirius Black X Reader)

Chapter 23

Sirius and I stare at each other, and I try to calm my heavy breathing, try to get my emotions under control. 

"I don't know what to say, Y/N," he says quietly. "I can apologize, but as much as I wish I could go back and change things for us, I can't. This is our story. We can't change it."

"I know," I say, wiping away a stray tear. "I just wish things could have been different."

"I do too."

The old me would have fought with him, thrown things, angsted about the past. But I'm not that person anymore. I haven't been for a long time. And maybe that's okay. Maybe the new me is a result of my unhappiness, but maybe that's not all it is; maybe some of the change comes from maturation. 

So I don't fight with him. I take a deep breath and step closer to him, wrapping my arms around him and burying my face in his chest. He hugs me back, winding one arm around my shoulder and placing his free hand on the back of my head to hold me close. I inhale his familiar scent and nuzzle closer, squeezing him tighter.

"I'm just glad that we're together now," I whisper. 

"Me too," he says. "We have time together now. We may not be able to make up for how much we missed, but we can make new memories. That has to be worth something."

I look up from him. "That's worth everything to me," I say. He presses a kiss on the bridge of my nose.

Maybe I don't have to be the ball of emotions I used to be. I can remember how alive I felt back them, back when I was a fiery girl who loved too deeply and raged too easily. It was invigorating at times. But it was also exhausting. I can adjust to this. I can have a new normal. Being alive and sharing my life with someone I love can be enough. I don't need to feel so much. The numbness might not just be numbness. It could be contentedness. 

This can be enough for me.

I try to convince myself that there is nothing wrong with me.