Tears and Eyeliner (Book 1)

Snitch

TW: transphobia, self harm.

Due to the bullying getting worse, Ashley and I have been eating in the library lately. As much as she keeps telling me to not worry whenever I apologize for taking her away from her friends, I still feel like shit. If it weren't for me and my stupid life, she'd be laughing with her friends right now.

I opened my lunch box at the wooden circular table we'd practically claimed as ours. Today, I brought an Uncrustables sandwich, a strawberry GoGurt, and a banana.

I have another therapy appointment today. Gerard would have taken me, but he's at the recording studio with the band for their new album. It's later after school, because Kat doesn't get off work until 5:30.

Ashley is sick today, so it's just me, sitting alone at the table. I sighed, biting into my sandwich, tasting the grape jelly on my tongue.

"Hey, Onyx!"

I looked up, seeing a boy that I recognized from the grade above me. His name is Ryan. He has to retake world history, so he's in my class. I was surprised to hear him say my name correctly, instead of mockingly calling me 'Elsie'. "Um, hey", I mumbled, putting my half-eaten sandwich down. I rose a brow when I saw another kid, Jacob, with a camera. "Is that on?"

"Well, we're doing an interview for eh, gay people at our school or whatever. Do you mind answering a few questions?", Ryan asked. "It'll be quick; five minutes tops, I promise."

"Um, I guess I don't mind."

Ryan pulled out a chair, sitting in front of me, and Jacob adjusted the camera. "First question: how did you realize you were... different?", he asked, reading from a blue notebook, clicking his pen a few times.

I played with one of the rips in my black skinny jeans. "Well, I've always felt different ever since I was little. But I didn't know about being transgender until a year ago. I did some research and realized that that is who I am." I sighed, remembering getting beaten up in the janitors closet after I told Trevor, the person I thought I trusted.

He nodded, with a smile on his face. "Okay. Do you still have a... you know, vagina down there?", he said this like it was a completely normal thing to ask. Jacob giggled.

I turned red, and I stuttered a bit. "What...?"

He chuckled. "Did you get the surgery yet?"

"I don't think I can get the surgery that young, and it's a pretty big decision.... that's kind of a weird question to ask, anyway...", I mumbled. I glanced over at the librarian, hoping she would intervene, but she was busy putting books on shelves. No escape there.

"Yeah well, we're trying to educate people." He hummed, looking at Jacob for a moment before continuing. Jacob looked like he was zooming in on my face. "Why aren't you trying harder to dress as a boy?"

I blinked back some tears, feeling some sobs coming in my throat. "I-I'm doing the best I can... I'm not dressing as a boy, I am a boy..."

"Right. And I'm the Queen of England", he replied, making Jacob laugh. "How long will it be until you look like a real boy?"

"Like I said... i-it's a big decision... I don't know if I want to do it..." I blinked back some tears, remembering that this is being recorded. I need to stay strong. This is a trap and there's no way out.

"Are you sure you're not just confused? It feels kinda fetish-y."

"It's not a fetish", I shot back. "And I'm not confused."

He laughed. "Whatever. No matter what you do, you'll always be a girl in a suit."

"I think we got what we needed", Jacob grinned, looking at me. "You're gonna be famous, Onyx. Just like your daddy."