The Amari War

Chapter 8

I'd just gotten my injuries treated. When I left the hospital, I was met with none other than Sophie. Damn it! She's the last person I want to see today. I'm sick of getting preached to and seeing that stupid smile on her face. What does she have to be happy about?

"I thought I told you to leave me alone! Why did you have to show up here?" I shouted at her.

"Don't be unreasonable. How was I supposed to know you'd be here?" she asked innocently.

"Like I care. Just go away," I retorted, walking past her. "I don't want to hear another word out of your mouth right now." I let my scabbard bump into her dagger sheath, a sure-fire provocation, but she ignored it.

"What's gotten you into such a crappy mood?" she said, undeterred. I whirled to face her, clenching my hands into fists. I had to restrain myself from unsheathing my sword and slashing her. I can't do that. If I do, I might lose control and kill her. And as much as she annoys me, I don't want her dead.

"I said SHUT UP! You have no right to ask me that question!" I shouted. "Leave me the fuck alone!" I hoped that my yelling would get her to go away, but that failed too. She just stood where she was, completely unafraid.

"What happened, Trey? You were perfectly happy to talk to me yesterday. Now, you're yelling at me like I'm your enemy. What did I do that pissed you off?"

I sighed. Why is she so persistent? "It annoys me that you're so upbeat. We're in the middle of a war with no end in sight, and you're joking around and smiling. Our friend just died, yet you're still happy. We go into battle and risk our lives every other day, and you don't seem scared at all. Do you just not care?"

"You're right. Our situation is truly crappy, and by all rights, I should be as miserable as you and everyone else. But I don't want to let all this shit keep me from being happy. As you said, we risk our lives every other day. If our lives are going to be short, then we should enjoy what we have."

I couldn't bring myself to admit that she had a point. Maybe she was able to be happy, to the extent that was possible. But that only made it worse, because I knew I would never be able to do the same. No matter how much I wanted to be like that, some part of me would never let that happen. It's just delusional. How can I be happy when everything's so horrible? When I know I could die tomorrow? When I'm not even sure I would care if I did?

I retorted, "I think that if you focus all your time and energy on being a happy little child, you'll die soon. You'll have a better chance of survival if you spend your time training. How can you be so happy? Aren't you scared?" Saying this was a better alternative to admitting my own issues.

"Terrified. At least, I was. I decided that fear was only going to make me miserable, and it won't help me in battle. I realized that I might as well stop caring, because it doesn't make any difference."

She made it sound like it was so easy to stop caring. I didn't think I could do that. Even if I could, would I want to? If I ever stopped caring completely, what would I become? Just another killing machine? I don't want to feel that way. I want to care about my own life. Even though I'm starting to care less and less.

"You don't care about your own life? That's just sad." I was prepared for her to reply that it was more complicated than that, and I happened to be right.

"You don't understand. I do care about my life. It's just that I've accepted the reality of our lives, in the army of a society at war. I want to be happy for however long I can. You should lighten up a little bit; try to enjoy yourself. No matter how much you train, there will always be someone better than you."