When Love Falls Silent

Grace

I knew I was a troublemaker, but this is too much. Why of all the students I am the one getting hit by the classroom door, getting in a fight with one of my university fellows and now my forehead is bleeding because I got hit by a basketball which flew straight from the basketball court to my forehead. I miss Daniel more than any other day. If he would have been here, I wouldn't have got a scratch. He is a shield from the evil world but he is not here now. He wants to meet his friend and doesn't want to take me with him. Weird I know. I don't know how to process this university without him. I don't know how to process this world without him. But here I am feeling dizzy while the blood falling to the ground as I put my hands on the injured area. A soft comfortable recognizable arm wrapped me as I descended to the warmest chest and closed my eyes. I want to be here forever.

"Get a better person Grace... please," he said while looking down at me. He didn't sound harsh just broken. Who made you like this Ethan? "Become a better person for me then," I said as if he would do what I said. I am sure he wouldn't. Why does he think he is the bad guy when all he sees in him is good? He read my lips marking my words on his heart.

He tore his gaze from my lips turned around and left. Every time I gave you a chance to explain what happened to you, you pushed me away. If that's what you want, I would free you right here. I won't beg you more or give chances to you. You have had enough chances Ethan and now you are moving away without giving me reasons. Now I will never be here waiting for you. Try to look back now and now you won't find me. It's over between us.

I opened my eyes as I felt a tear fall from my eyes to my cheek. No matter how much I try to forget it, I can't bring myself to do it. I saw a lifeless ceiling with a huge bright light that almost blinded me. I closed my eyes again to process what happened. I knew I didn't want to be here but rather anywhere where I was unable to feel those arms around me. What happened was a moment before I lost my conscience so I couldn't figure out who that person was but I didn't need to see him to recognize him, I needed only my heart for it and my heart had already recognized him. I opened my eyes and my gut feeling turned out to be true, Ethan. He was looking at me with the most emotions he had ever shown, worried—eyes big and round, hair a little messy but. I can spend my whole life staring at him.

"You okay?" his voice broken. How was I supposed to answer this to that only person who made things so messed up? I am not okay but should I say this to him? I am in a mess because of him, because of how he kept pushing me away instead of explaining himself. Do I need to show myself this broken in front of him every time we meet? "You got hit by a basketball and lost your consciousness." He said as I lifted my hand to my forehead and felt extreme pain as if someone had just blown my forehead with that one shot. This would take some time to recover. "I am fine." my voice lower than I expected. "You got 5 stitches. I know it hurts." his voice is calm, but his face is already burning up and a worried look is spreading. He is good at pretending but needs effort to fool me. How could I become such a fool to fall in love with him while he went back and forth in his own words? Yeah, it hurts but all you can see is physical pain. How about we talk about all the emotional hell you have made me pass from? My forehead already giving answers but my mouth was too soft to say those words. So, I shut my brain to process for a while. Basketball would have jerked my brain as well as it kept on giving me weird answers for that one person to whom I have nothing to give but love.

"I know it hurts," he said again but I kept my posture unbothered. "... Because I can feel the hurt too." And for the first time today, I felt the hurt. It wasn't my forehead this time but my heart. What is stronger than the heart which gets shattered again and again and still lives? I don't know how much more I will let him break me but it would end. I know how to and I will be doing it today. "Why would you be hurt?" I said my voice calm controlled and confident. I straighten myself so that I can face him. He didn't move nor did his expression change. He seemed to know what would happen next. "Leave me just like you have always," I said leaving no trace of doubt.

What bothers me is his not committing to his choices. What's so hard in choosing not to let go of your loved ones? If you say you love me, just fucking act like one. "Last time you told me to find someone better. I took your advice and would look for 'the' better one." my voice was sarcastic and angry at the same time. "I figured out you don't want to become a better person for me so I'll not push it." I don't know where these words are coming from but I am saying it like I mean it. At least I am happy they look to Ethan that I mean them as I see a face shift in him. His muscles which were tensed up earlier are becoming out of shape and he is lacking his posture as my words hit him.

"But I" he started to speak but I was so carried away that I interrupted him before he completed saying what he started. "See Ethan, I gave you many chances to explain yourself but you chose to break up with me. Now I am telling you I am okay with breaking up with you. Now, if you don't mind, we will act like we don't know each other till graduation. It's not too much to keep right?" I say as I drag myself out of the comforter and out of bed. My forehead pain can't be more than my heart pain so I don't need anyone's help, especially Ethan.

I would have known he wouldn't let me go if he didn't want me to. His hand on my arm grabbing it providing protection and disaster at the same time. I tried to get his hand off me but it was all in vain. Seems like I had to listen to him before I could leave. "Hear me out first, Grace." I am already melting by his touch but this wouldn't stay long and I would be crying a moment later. "Go Ahead then. " I don't want to hear him make excuses and not in the mood to hear him saying that he is not the right one for me. I already knew these things. "Let's get back together," he said as if he just wanted to prevent the wall from crashing when he was the one making that wall weaker. How am I supposed to process that all? His words echoed in my mind.

"Be my girlfriend."

"Let's Breakup."

"let's get back together."

I am holding back tears as much as I can but it's not enough. I always wanted to understand what happened, and why he acted that way but all he left me with were mere demands. This guy is driving me nuts. I want to open up his mind to get a better view of his head because now I can't see what's wrong with this guy. God, please just tell me where it went all wrong. "I have lost feelings for you," I said. It was the most cruel lie I have ever told anyone. EVER.