When Love Falls Silent

Grace

Facing him now is like losing your heart in each encounter. People say move on but never tell how. Just forget him like he was never there when he was the only one I had in my mind and my heart for the last several months. I want to lose my memory every time my mind thinks of him. I don't have control over me much less my memory these days. I lost him as easily as I got him. 

Thinking back we were together but never really together. We didn't share what normal couples have. From brief interactions in university to walking me home, we had never done more. He never shared anything with me, his life and his weaknesses or ambitions. He was quite from the very beginning. Only his presence and attraction were the only things that he gave me. 

Why of all the times when I was trying to understand him and was ready to give him a chance, he told me to break up? Why? Was I just lost him at that moment? I was unable to accept it after a week or so. All I was holding onto was hope, nothing else. A hope that he would come and justify his actions.

I did not expect him to become this cold and ignorant but he had become one. I can see in his eyes,  the eyes I was once so fond of now looking at me like they don't know me anymore. What should I do with all those feelings burring inside of me who just want to go there and ask him, ask him till he responds to my every question? Yet I stand there frozen like my feet don't know how to move. My eyes have tears but his eyes are hollow like he just met a stranger. I can't move but he can that's why he is moving coming toward me. Strange of all that happened he can keep his posture. I can feel tears coming down my cheek but my eyes are fixated on him. 

What an unfortunate and embarrassing moment. He passed through me just as I was a pillar. What was I expecting even? I am ashamed that he saw me crying. I let out a small laugh ashamed at myself and wiped my tears. Great! now my feet know how to move. I marched towards my class. I can't skip classes, I skipped some right after our breakup and my grades situation is quite alarming now. I can weep at night but now is not the time. 

         ...

I was hungry but I wanted to get home as soon as possible. I can make myself something rather than going to a café and bumping into him again and sometimes being in the same major sucks. You use the same building, use the same library, and use the same café for lunch. Whatever felt like blessings earlier when we first encountered them have now turned into disgrace. What I have liked about him is starting to change into hatred.

You don't run away when life doesn't go your way. Let your loved ones share your burden and get you through those tough times. You fucked a girl. You are sorry. As far as you don't do it again, you shouldn't run away, at least not from me. explain to me and I am here to understand. That night I stood there like all my hope had turned into ashes right before me.  If breaking up was the solution, why didn't I feel like it? 

A strong thing hit my shoulder and I moaned from the pain. I bumped into a student who quite looks like a senior. He was moving his hockey stick and it hit me when he passed through me. I looked at him with such anger and instead of saying apologizing he muttered "Use eyes while walking".

I don't know if I would regret it afterwards or not but I slapped him so hard on his face. "Bastard," I said looking at his face turning red, must have hit hard. His eyes locked mine with such anger and devastation. His hockey stick moved backward and then forward towards me as he tried to hit me with such force. I closed my eyes. It's too late to run or dodge it. Strangely it didn't hit me as I felt a shield and it felt familiar the scent of that person I had tried to run for whole days and weeks. His breath collided with me as he was breathing hard just like me. I turned my head upward to face him. We locked eyes for a brief moment but then he shuts his eyes probably from the pain. He gradually fell on me and I garbed him as he fell on me. It would be good if he fell for me instead of falling on me but I pushed that thought aside and moved him to the nearby bench. 

Someone called security because now I can see that boy pushed by the security guards. "Are you okay? Does it hurt badly? Let's go to the MIR room. Put some ointment. Okay?"  He just stared at me instead of saying anything. Maybe he was looking at the worry in my eyes. Yeah, that's how I am. You broke me and I still love you and care for you. But at times I think is it worth it to keep the slightest hope that he would come back. Maybe instead of looking worried in my eyes, he is looking at the begging I am doing to him to come back and not leave.

I pulled my hand away from him when those thoughts popped up. I shouldn't become that annoying type, I have to refrain from telling him my feelings because they are mine to handle. He pulled away at the same time I did and I got the hitch that he is trying to distance from me. He shouldn't have come to save me earlier if he doesn't care about me. He got up and started moving.

"Why?" my voice sharp, confident, and demanding, demanding answers. He stopped but didn't turn back. I went closer to him and grabbed his arm. He turned around and now he was facing me looking me straight in my eyes. Weird how those things got me butterflies earlier and now felt like a sharp knife cutting me in half. "Why?" I repeated more of a request right now. He sighed and let out a breath. I want him to tell me the reason for our breakup. He took a step closer to me filling the gap between us. I hope you fill the gap in our hearts too Ethan.

"Get a better person Grace... please," he said while looking down at me. He didn't sound harsh just broken. Who made you like this Ethan? "Become a better person for me then," I said as if he would do what I said. I am sure he wouldn't. Why does he think he is the bad guy when all he sees in him is good? He read my lips marking my words on his heart.

He tore his gaze from my lips turned around and left. Every time I gave you a chance to explain what happened to you, you pushed me away. If that's what you want, I would free you right here. I won't beg you more or give chances to you. You have had enough chances Ethan and now you are moving away without giving me reasons. Now I will never be here waiting for you. Try to look back now and now you won't find me. It's over between us.