An Extraordinary Life

Chapter 18 - The first time he got physical... I was very scared!

One night when Taylor was a little over two years old, after another abusive fight, I went back to my room as usual to ignore him. At about midnight, drunk and full of anger, he came into my room. He grabbed my pony tail, then my neck, and shook me while saying some threatening words, "I will ruin your life if you kept on fighting back."

I was very scared even though I could feel he wasn't killing me. I begged and told him what he wanted to hear, "It's my fault, I'm sorry."

He stopped with a sense of satisfaction.

My heart is still racing when writing and thinking back on it, I can still see his evil face while doing that to me. My hands are shaking too. I hate reliving those horrible times of my life. It's really terrifying!

I was scared all the time and felt unsafe at home. A home should be the safest place in the world, but I was living in danger. I put a fruit knife in my room for protection but after a while I put it away as I knew I was too soft-hearted to use it on him and would be receiving more harm if he got a hold of it. I cut my hair short and kept it that way for fifteen years. I started to have difficulty sleeping and would wake up frequently, afraid. I had to take sleeping pills to have a good night's sleep when exhausted.

I shopped a lot to make myself happy. After he vented out his anger on me, things would quiet down for a few months. But he kept score as he was a calculated guy who did not forgive and forget. He would say the same bad things about me every time he started a fight, and he would mention divorce. Tension built up and I felt anxious living with a human bomb that could explode any minute.

I called Alex and Tracy to see how they were and thought it was time for them to meet with their half sibling. I worried that they might not like the idea and would throw temper tantrums like the last few times we met. To my pleasant surprise, they liked each other and got along well. I let my husband know about their meetings after they had met a few times as I was worried Taylor would break the news to him. He was okay with it.

I told them, "Taylor's father is a drunk and violent, he takes his anger out on me by yelling and swearing at me and he is starting to put his hands on me. I'm scared and want to divorce him."

They didn't like me quitting so soon and said, "Taylor is too young to have a sad life with a broken family like ours."

I felt bad I had given them a sad childhood, and was moved by their care for their half sibling. They were only teenagers. I decided not to fail them and took in all the suffering of staying in the marriage.

Once again I thought of more reasons to keep our family intact. I chose him to be my husband because I loved him truly and believed we were meant to be. I vowed to be with him for better or for worse. He was full of anger and didn't know why. He didn't love himself so he couldn't love another. He didn't trust people so as to protect himself from harm. He was just so complicated that he didn't have insight on himself and picked out all the bad in others. He was disrespectful to women and was not just abusing me. But my case was worse because I was his wife. I felt really sorry for him and thought it must be very difficult to live a life like that. If I really loved him I should not only stay but also help him to live easier and happier with all my heart and love. I decided to try harder.