Complicated Love

Chapter 42.

Derek.

I've been taking the kids to school for the past two weeks and staying with Meredith just to check on her and help with Olivia.

I've noticed Meredith has been a little more depressed lately than usual.

I don't know him I should call it depression or if she's down tired of being in the house all the time.

Usually, she just sleeps when I'm here which is fine but she says Olivia sleeps the whole night so it doesn't make sense that she'd be so tired during the day.

She barely eats. She eats maybe one meal a day, she's losing weight. I'm sure it's normal to lose weight since she did just have a baby but eating very little might be a part of it.

I spent most of the day watching TV and taking care of Olivia while Meredith slept. She went back to bed once I took the kids to school and she was still asleep when I picked them up.

I took Christopher to soccer practice and Avery to ballet while I took Aaron home and made him something to eat.

I fed Olivia and put her down for her nap. After maybe three in the afternoon, Meredith woke up and came downstairs.

I asked her if she wanted anything to eat but she said she wasn't hungry. She checked on Olivia and sat in the nursery for a while before she came into the living room.

She sat down next to me and leaned into my chest. I wrapped my arm around her shoulder and stayed quiet for a minute.

"Is everything okay with you?" I asked playing with a strand of her hair.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she says. "Are you sure? You seem a little down lately," I say.

"It's nothing, Derek, don't worry about it," she says.

"I just want to make sure you're okay. Postpartum depression is normal. You haven't been yourself lately," I say.

"I haven't left the house in months," she says sitting up, tears in her eyes.

"I don't know what to do, or what I'm doing at all, my husband died five years ago, I had my son, somehow I managed to get pregnant again, I had my daughter and I'm still at the same place I was five years ago, nothing has changed," she breaks down.

"Meredith," I say. "Nothing, has changed in the past five years, what's the point?!" She says.

"A lot of things have changed, your life is different. It's not a big change but they're small changes. You're overthinking too much because you're not as busy as you once were. Once you get back to work you'll feel different," I say.

"No, it won't because there's no point in going back to work. I teach the same thing to the same age of kids for a year and then another set of kids comes and I do the same thing all over again," she says.

"There's nothing wrong with that. You're teaching them something, things everyone needs to know. So those kids can become doctors, lawyers, teachers, cops, FBI agents, all sorts of things," I say.

"And then what, Hmm? Nothing," she says. "Meredith, I do the same thing every too, I do craniotomies, clip aneurysms every day, remove brain tumours, sometimes I get a big surgery but since I like doing surgery I do it anyways... this is just you're head doing this to you, have you ever felt this way before?" I say.

"No, but just because it's only happened once doesn't mean it doesn't mean anything," she says.

"Meredith.. you have a good life, there is nothing wrong with your life. If you want to do more with your life you can but you're not doing nothing. You're raising two kids, and that's not always going to be the same. Aaron will be in middle school, and then high school, it may seem like a long time right now but it'll feel like a couple of days, Olivia will learn how to sit, she'll start eating, she'll start walking, she'll start talking, she'll start start going to school, you're life isn't the always going to be the same. This feeling will pass," I say.

"And if it doesn't?" She says. "Then you can see a doctor, did you feel this way after you had Aaron?" I say.

"I was depressed but I'm pretty sure that had something to do with my husband dying five months prior," she says wiping the tears from her eyes.

"It could be temporary and if it isn't then you'll see someone, if you're depressed they'll give you some medication for it," I say.

"Yeah, that's great, you're very supportive, you're only answer is drugs," she says getting up.

"No, Meredith. That's not what I mean, hokey, you know what I mean," I say.

"You're a doctor, what causes postpartum depression?" She asks.

"History of depression, history mental illnesses, it's not just pregnancy that causes it, it's usually more like if something happens, usually before or during pregnancy or if you already had depression you're just now more vulnerable to it," I say.

"The last time I was depressed was high school, and college, not diagnosed but I didn't pay attention to it. I figured the sadness would just go away," she says.

"Did anything change?" I say. "I don't know, I didn't sit in bed all day thinking about everything in my life to see which memory was the saddest," she says.

"Just talk to me about it and I'll diagnose you if there's anything wrong with you," I say.

"Why would I trust the neurosurgeon who tried to illegally go through my medical records to find out if I was pregnant with your baby instead of asking," she said.

"I did ask you, and you lied to me," I say. She rolls her eyes and goes into the kitchen.

•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•