No Explanations - ONC24

Chapter 10 - I Did Something Bad

"If a man talks shit, then I owe him nothing. I don't regret it one bit 'cause he had it coming." - I Did Something Bad, Taylor Swift

I never trust a narcissist, but they love me. I'd like to play them like a violin, but that isn't so easy. I would like to convince my parents that there is nothing wrong with being homosexual, that there is nothing wrong with Arora and her family. That the only thing that should matter is my love, my happiness.

After my parents had been done talking to me in the ballroom, I fled to the gardens. I didn't dare going to my rooms, afraid Arora would still be there. It had been a fun night, but the reality was that we couldn't be together. My parents said it, I did something bad. And Arora probably only wanted one night anyway.

I just needed to learn to be happy with what I had and settle with Damian. It wasn't good for a future Queen to have a desire for more than she could get. And I couldn't get Arora.

I sat down on a bench next to the rose gardens. This is how the world works, but all I think about is her. It's like Arora's a star shining in the night sky, so pretty, so shiny, but so unreachable. Gravity is pulling me down to earth while I want to levitate and reach up to the sky, but the stars stay out of reach. The stars don't want to be reached, so I need to leave them alone.

I needed to listen to my parents, something I've always done. I tried never to lie to them, to obey the rules they set, to please them as much as I could. But now they say I did something bad, but why does it feel so good?

Maybe I shouldn't be so obedient to my parents, because for every lie I tell them, they tell me three. Supporting me in my choices, my ass. If a man talks shit, then I owe him nothing. I don't regret it one bit because they had it coming.

I can still feel the flames on my skin, Arora's crimson red paint on my lips. They never see it coming what I do next, this is how the world works. You have to leave before you get left. They say I did something bad, then why did it feel so good? It was the most fun I ever had and I would do it over and over and over again if I could. It just felt so good.

But I couldn't. That was the only thing I needed to remind myself of. I couldn't date Arora. I couldn't have another night with her, I would never rule a city with her. It was impossible, unreachable. All those dreams I had had the past few months would never again come true. I had been so naive to think I could have Arora, so foolish.

"Ebony, what are you doing here so alone?" a familiar voice pulled me out of my thoughts. But it wasn't Arora. Instead, Damian walked up to me. His blouse loose, hair wild and face red. It looked like he had been running to me.

"Damian, what are you doing here?" I asked.

He came to a halt right in front of the bench I was sitting on. He was breathing heavily, he had definitely been exercising. "I'm training," he said, a wild and confused look in his eyes. "You know I have training every morning around this time."

At that point I realized I had no idea what time it was. I also realized I had no idea that Damian trained every day. It seemed like I hadn't been playing the perfect girlfriend lately.

"Is it alright if I sit next to you?" Damian asked. "Just to have a little talk?"

I nodded. "If you aren't going to tell me the same thing as my parents," I warned him.

"I have no idea what your parents told you, but from your reaction I can guess it wasn't nice," he said.

I nodded again.

"But I have something to talk about," he started. "Because I had been noticing you haven't been really present the past week. I know we have the deal where you can dance, kiss or have sex with anyone you want, but you seemed a lot more absent than normal."

I sighed. "That could be correct."

"Ebony," Damian said, "are you homosexual?"

I paused for a second. I never talked about that with Damian. Normally, I wasn't really open with my female relationships. It wasn't often that I kissed a girl in public, or even danced with one. But Damian was always with me, he could have made a lucky guess. Especially this past week. On the other side, I had no idea how Damian thought about homosexuals. If he had the same philosophy as my parents, or if he accepted it.

"I know your parents aren't really supportive towards homosexuals," he said. "But I don't mind and I won't tell them. I won't even tell my parents, if that's what you want."

That answered that question. "I am," I told him honestly.

"Do you love Princess Arora Aurum?"

At this question, I felt the need to lie. "No," I answered.

Damian nodded. "Do you love me?"

I paused again. I wasn't really sure if I loved him or not. I never thought about that long enough. "No, I don't think so," I responded at last. "But you're a really nice guy. It's not your fault, I just don't think I can be in love with any man."

He nodded slowly, as if he needed to process what I had just said. "No, I think I understand. I think that makes sense," he said. "Thank you for being honest with me." But I hadn't been completely honest.

"Please don't tell my parents, they will kill me if they know I'm homosexual," I said.

"I won't," he assured me. "But what does this mean for our relationship?"

"I will hold up the illusion of love," I answered. "And if you don't want that, you can leave me. I will find someone else to marry."

Damian thought about that for a second. "No, I'm alright with that. I quite like you - as a friend."

I smiled. "Thank you."

"One question," he said. "Are you sure you're not in love with Arora Aurum?"

"I'm sure," I lied.

"Because you two were kissing last night and I saw her coming from your room this morning, naked save for your blanket."

"I'm completely sure, that was all her doing," I lied again. I really hoped Damian would believe me, that I would start to believe it myself.

Damain looked at me for a few seconds, thought about it, but ultimately stood up. "Alright," he said. "I will continue my training, then."

"Have a good one," I responded to him and he walked away again. He left me with my thoughts rattling about what he had said.

My parents weren't supportive towards homosexuals, that was completely true. However, he was very supportive. I would marry me knowing I would never love him, knowing that there would only be an illusion of love. Damian was too good for this world, I decided. He didn't deserve me, because my parents would never accept me.

It's almost like they're burning all the witches, even if you aren't one. They got their pitchforks and proof, their receipts and reasons. I got nothing to bring in, except for my love and heart. They're literally burning the witches, even if you aren't one. They would even burn Damian.

But I don't think I care for my parents anymore. Because I might have done something bad, but it felt so good. This love might burn brighter than my parents' pyres. So light me up. Come on just light me up, go ahead and light me up.

They say I did something bad, so why did it feel so good? It just felt so good and I would do it over and over again if I could, if Arora would let me. I would burn myself to ashes if Arora let me, I would let her light me up. Go ahead and light me up.