Symphonic Waves (Ciudad de Escalante #6)

Phase 46

"Ito po, Ma'am! Bagay na bagay sa inyo," masayang sabi ng staff nang ilapit sa akin ang itim na dress na may bulaklaking lace. I'm in my hospital room right now and have followed the advice of my doctor to stay here for the rest of my time.

"Tapos, may headdress din kayo at light makeup lang," she also suggested and showed me different types of headdresses and hair clips.

"How about my hair? Mas bagay ba na nakalugay o nakatali?" tanong ko at tiningnan ang repleksyon ko sa salamin.

"Don't tie it, ma'am. Maganda ang kulay, dapat kitang-kita ang pagkaka-brown. Hindi halata kapag itatali mo," sambit ng isa pang staff na medyo tahimik.

I smiled at her.

"Okay, I'll tell them not to tie my hair..."

"Para saang event po ba? Depende rin po kasi kung anong klaseng party. Kung prom, bagay ang nakalugay. Kung wedding, mas maganda kung nakatali," ani ng medyo madaldal kaya natawa ako. I thought they were aware of why I was ordering a dress from their shop. Hindi siguro nabanggit ni Diane noong nag-inquire siya.

"It's for my funeral," I nonchalantly stated. I bit my lip when both of them became silent. Huminga ako nang malalim at pinagmasdan ang mga ibang itim at puting bestida na dala nila. The surprise on their faces is so evident. Parang ngayon lang nagkaroon ng customer na pumipili ng damit para sa lamay niya.

I am bored, so... I fixed all the things needed after my death. I'm sure my family will already be disheartened, stressed, and depressed when I'm gone. Mourning and grieving are already too much to handle.

Kaya ayaw ko nang dagdagan pa ang iniisip nila kapag nawala ako kaya inayos ko na lahat ng mga ito. From my dress, the appointment in the chapel, my casket, and everything. They are all prepared.

"Hmm, I'll get that one. Dito sa address niyo na lang ipadala—"

Naputol ang sinasabi ko nang pumagitna ang aking medical assistant.

"Ma'am, may bisita po kayo," aniya kaya tumango ako. I gave her a quick glance before I darted my eyes again at the dresses in front of me.

"Sure. Papasukin mo muna saglit. Patapos na rin kami rito," sambit ko habang sinusukat ang mga headdress. Ngunit natigilan ako at kinabahan nang marinig ang matigas at baritonong boses ni Sylvan sa loob ng aking kwarto.

"I'll just wait outside. Text me if you're done," sabi niya at akmang pipigilan ko nang tumalikod na siya at dire-diretsong lumabas ng aking kwarto. I sighed when he totally disappeared from my sight. Umiling na lamang ako at pinagpatuloy ang pagpili ng dress.

"Nurse Lilian. Kuya Evan. Pwede po ba akong pahatid sa rooftop?" pakiusap ko nang isang oras na ang lumipas pagkatapos umalis ni Sylvan sa aking kwarto. I texted him that I'm already done, but he's not replying to me. I doubt he'll come back.

Noong una, nag-alangan pa sina Kuya Evan na sundin ang gusto ko, pero pinagbigyan din sa huli. My energy is very limited. Agad akong napapagod sa kaunting kilos o lakad. Kaya naka-wheelchair ako ngayon, at tulak tulak nila paakyat ng rooftop.

I smiled when I spotted a familiar figure from afar. Agad kong pinakiusapan si Kuya Evan na doon ako dalhin. My intuition is right. Sylvan is here.

"How did you know I'm here?" he asked when I reached him. It is the same place where we shared a kiss before. Papalubog na ang araw kaya unti-unti nang dumidilim ang paligid at nagsisindihan ang mga ilaw sa ciudad.

"Just a guess," sabi ko at tumingala para tingnan siya na diretso lamang na nakatitig sa kawalan. It looks like he's been like that for an hour.

"Have you chosen a dress?" he asked again, still not looking at me. Ngunit hindi gaya noong huli kaming nag-usap, mas mahinahon at kalmado siya ngayon.

"Hmm, oo," tipid kong sabi at ngumiti kahit hindi niya binabaling ang kanyang atensyon sa akin.

"Sorry, it took me days to show up after our talk last time," he apologized, and finally, he bore his eyes at me. Umupo rin siya sa stone bench para magpantay ang mukha naming dalawa.

"It's okay..." I whispered.

"It was on that day, isn't it? The day we went here, you asked me if I'll cry when you die. That's the day you found out, right?" His eyes softened, just like his voice.

I inhaled. "Yes..."

Napalunok siya at bumahid muli ang sakit sa kanyang ekspresyon.

"You should have told me back then," aniya at nagsimula nang manubig ang mata.

I nodded slowly.

"Y-Yeah, I should..." I agree with him. Hindi magiging ganito kasakit kung agad kong sinabi pero may magbabago ba? Wala.

"But that time, I don't think it's really a big deal, Sylvan. I'm sure it will not make any changes, even if you know it or not. We can't change my fate," giit ko. Our love isn't enough.

"We can change it or not; we still need to try, Cerestine," he asserted.

"I'm tired of trying," mapakla kong pahayag.

"Even for me?" agap niya. "C-Can't you live for me?" he stammered, and after asking that, he laughed as if he said something ridiculous. "Fuck, I shouldn't ask you this question. I'm not even worthy to live for. But what can I do? I'm selfish, Ceres. I don't think I could accept this."

He licked his lower lip and clenched his jaw. After a few seconds, tears gathered at the rim of his heavy and sorrowful eyes. Napayuko ako at umiwas ng tingin. The sight of him suffering from this will be my death. I can't really witness this. I can't hear his cries again.

I can't watch the light fade from his eyes as they come to terms with my devastating truth. I rehearsed this conversation a thousand times in my mind, each time hoping for a different outcome—perhaps a miracle—that would spare us from this agony. But there are no miracles for us, no reprieve from the inevitable time.

"I'm trying to understand your decision. I know days are not enough to comprehend all of this. But I can't lose you, okay? We can still do something about this, right? It's not too late, right? Please, tell me, there's still a way..." he desperately stated, and cupped my left cheek.

Nanghina ako nang tingnan niya ako ng diretso sa mata na para bang hinahanda ang sarili sa anumang maririnig mula sa akin. His eyes are full of hope, but I can't lie anymore. There are no words of comfort to offer, no balm for the wounds that will never fully heal.

"The doctor told me I only have six months to live. I'm down with my final month, or weeks, days... I don't know. Let's just wait for the right time, hmm? Don't let this be your burden. I'm fine. I'm content with all of this," paninigurado ko at kinuha ang kanyang kamay.

"Let's just cherish these moments. I know it's hard, love. But you'll get through this. I believe you can. Sa umpisa lang ito mahirap pero gagaan din kinalaunan," I whispered softly, wiping the tears on his cheeks.

"I don't think I can get through this. You took a huge part in my life. I already plotted my future with you. How can I move on, huh?" he sobbed. "I can't live without you. I can't. I fucking swear. I can't..." he uttered painfully and hysterically. Yumuko siya at doon na nagsimulang humikbi nang mahina.

"Hush, you can. Look at me, Sylvan. Look at me..." pag-aalo ko at hinawakan ang kanyang mukha para maiharap muli sa akin.

"You can, okay? Your life will not stop just because I'm not part of it anymore. You can still find someone better, someone who you can spend the rest of your life with. Someone that will grow old with you. Everything will not end here," madiin kong sabi at pinagdampi ang noo naming dalawa.

I shut my eyes and felt our fast and heavy breaths against each other.

"I want to do everything with you. I want to live with you, experience every good thing that the world has to offer. No one else can take your place, Ceres," he whispered before pulling me into a tight hug.

"Please, Cerestine. Don't leave me. Don't go, please. Stay longer, for me... for us..." he begged, and at that moment, the only response I could give was...

"I'm sorry." I cried and hugged him tighter. That's all I can say, because how do you respond to something like that? How can I assure him I'll stay, knowing I really can't? How do you find the words to comfort someone when you're both drowning in the same sea of despair?