Symphonic Waves (Ciudad de Escalante #6)

Phase 01

I don't want to go back...

That's the only thing I wish while roaming my eyes around the beautiful paradise. It's my second time. I knew I'd been in this place before. The comfort, the serenity, and the belongingness. I could feel it. Kinusot ko ang aking mata at kinurot ang sarili habang pinagmamasdan ang lahat.

My eyes captured colors I had seen before.

I'm at this beautiful beach again. The ocean is very clear and blue. The sun is very bright. Unti-unting sumilay ang ngiti sa aking labi bago ihakbang ang paa para makapaglakad-lakad. Hanggang sa bumilis nang bumilis ang bawat hakbang ko. Something about the ground where I'm standing feels so soft. Iyong gusto mo nalang maramdaman hanggang sa mapagod ka. It feels like I'm flying, floating and I could do whatever I want.

Bumaba ang mata ko at nakita na madamo ang kinatatayuan ko ngayon. My eyebrows furrowed. It's weird to have a grassy path in this paradise. Pero hindi ko na inisip pa at sinundan ko kung saan patungo ang daan. Tumakbo ako sa abot ng aking makakaya. I must be dreaming because I never dared to run like this in my entire life. Madali kasi akong mapagod. Hindi ako pwedeng kapusin ng hininga dahil baka iyon na ang huli.

But today, I ran and ran. Not caring if I'd left my world behind me. Including the troubles, truths, love, and hates. The only things that accompany me on my way are the memories of all the good and bad things that have happened to me. I'm sure the only thing that awaits me on the other side is a complete paradise.

Kahit hindi ko natunton ang bahaging ito noong unang tapak ko rito, alam kong doon mas magiging maayos ako. I was nine back then. There's only one vivid memory. At alam ko na hindi ako nakalayo gaya nang ginagawa ko ngayon. Neverthless, I'm happy at the moment. Sigurado ako. Same wishes, same feelings.

Sa pangalawang pagkakataon ba na pagpunta ko rito, papayagan na akong hindi makabalik?

I stopped running when I reached the end. Napapikit ako sa silaw ng liwanag na bumungad sa akin. I tried to open my eyes but the light was really blinding me. Tumalikod ako at napasinghap nang makita na nawala na ang madamong dinadaanan ko kanina.

Where did it go? The beach? The ocean? The white sand?

It vanished?

Humarap muli ako sa liwanag at buti nama'y hindi na ito nakakasilaw gaya ng kanina. Minutes had passed, the light gradually disappeared as if it is only a transition to reveal something more beautiful than the first paradise. At hindi ako nagkamali. I gulped when I examined the new view.

Everything is white. The ground, the clouds, the sky... everything. Bumagay ang puting bestida na suot ko sa paligid. I looked ahead in the distance and I saw a gate. Hindi pa pala ito ang hangganan. Huminga ako nang malalim at naglakad patungo roon. I bit my lip when I realized something. Hindi ko ramdam ang inaapakan ko. Still, it was also soft like the first path I followed.

I walked to the gate, which took a little time because it was in the distance. I don't know when I will get there because time didn't seem to matter or exist. My lips parted when I finally got there, having a closer look at a gate that was made of solid, exquisite glossy pearl.

At hindi ko na napigilan pa ang mapaluha nang mapagtanto kung nasaan ako. A tear finally escaped when I saw the charred white feathers of my wings drifting through the wind. Totoo ba ang lahat ng ito? Pinalis ko ang aking luha habang hinahawakan ang gate. Its majestic pillars reminded me of safety, love, and acceptance. I couldn't be more than happy.

"Not yet, Ceres."

Nanlaki ang mata ko nang makarinig ng tunog maliban sa huni ng ibon. It was deep, almost a whisper. Pagkatapos, dahan-dahang sumara ang gate na nasa aking harapan. Nataranta ako sa biglaan nitong pagsara. What's happening?!

"No! Let me in!" I screamed, almost begging.

I tried to enter the minimal space but something is pushing me not to cross over. Something is holding me back. Not my fear or my uncertainty. I don't know what is it. Dahil gustong-gusto ko nang makapasok at hindi na bumalik pa kung saan ako nanggaling.

Pinasadahan ko ang paligid at nakita ang isang pigura sa loob ng gate. My eyes narrowed to see a clearer view but it's few meters away from me. Hindi ko mamumukhaan. At kahit hindi ko lubusang makilala kung sino at anong hitsura, alam kong nakatingin siya sa aking direksyon.

"It's not your time yet," The deep voice uttered. Malayo siya kung nasaan ako pero dinig na dinig ko ang kanyang boses. He was talking to me individually and internally.

Nanghina ako at nanubig muli ang mata. Kahit nanlalabo ang paningin, nakita ko pa rin ang ginawang pag-iling ng kanyang ulo. As if he's telling me I can't really go in and I should go back where I came from.

"No! Don't go! Please! Please, take me in!" nagmamakaawa kong sambit nang makita ang kanyang pagtalikod na tila ba hahakbang na palayo. Bumagsak ang balikat ko at mas rumagasa ang luha. I don't wanna go back anymore.

"Next time, you'll be finally here. Just wait. I'm also waiting for you," He continued before his figure was entirely out of my sight.

Nanginig ang labi ko sa narinig. Napaupo ako at napayakap sa tuhod at doon itinuloy ang pag-iyak. Ayaw ko na talagang bumalik. The next time He was talking about is not certain. Who knows when is it. I can't wait for it anymore.

"Ceres!"

Nagpatuloy lang ako sa pag-iyak hanggang sa may marinig muli akong boses. Nag-angat ako ng ulo para tingnan kung saan iyon galing pero wala akong nakita ni pigura o anino. This time, it was from a woman. She's crying like me.

"Ceres? Wake up, sweetheart! Ceres, my baby..."

Pagkatapos niyang sabihin ang mga katagang iyon, bumalik muli ang nakakasilaw na liwanag kanina na nakapagpahapdi sa aking mga mata. At sa muling pagdilat, bumungad ulit sa akin ang pamilyar na puting paligid. Pero hindi na ito gaya kanina.

It feels like I was shifted from another place in just a snap. There are no more white sand, white skies, and cotton clouds. Puting kisame, pader at puting kama na ngayon ang nakikita ko.

Habol ko ang aking paghinga nang maidilat na ng tuluyan ang mga mata. Ramdam ko rin ang pamamasa ng aking pisngi. Pagod na pagod din ako na hindi ko alam bakit dahil alam kong natutulog lang ako magmula kanina. My lips quivered and another tears streamed down my cheeks when I realized what just happened and where am I at.

I came back...

"Hush, stop crying, hmm? Everything will be fine. Mommy is here," Mommy said softly and help me sit on my bed. Nag-aalala niya akong dinaluhan at pinatahan. Sa kanya ang boses na narinig ko kanina bago ako tuluyang magising.

We're in my usual hospital room right now. Wala akong ideya kung anong oras na pero gabi na panigurado. I collapsed earlier after attending the Sunday Mass. Buti nalang agad napansin ng mga churchmates ko ang pamumutla ko kaya agad sinabihan si Mommy.

"Did you have a bad dream again?" she asked while wiping my tears.

Ngumiti ako nang mapakla at mabagal na tumango. Nanikip muli ang aking dibdib sa nangyari kanina. I'm almost there! I came back in the paradise after more than a decade. Pero agad din akong bumalik dito.

Mommy panicked when she saw me crying silently.

"Mommy, I was rejected in heaven. I was already there. But I can't enter the gates," I cried.

Pinagsarhan ako ng pinto. Hindi ako tinanggap. Pinapapabalik ako.

Natahimik si Mommy at napalunok. A hot tear also slipped down at the corner of her eyes.

"It i-isn't a good dream, sweetheart?" Her voice broke.

I could feel her pain from it. Nakagat ko ang aking labi nang mas bumilis ang daloy ng luha sa kanyang pisngi. It's not a good dream, Mommy. It will never be a good thing. Knowing I had to go back here means more suffering. More pain for you, for Daddy, for my brother, and for everyone else who's also bleeding with me in this fight.

"I need you, Ceres. I can't lose you," Mommy wept.

I was about to say something when the door opened. Constantine Zyris, my brother, worriedly gazed at us the moment he stepped inside. Magkapatid kami sa ama. He's two years younger than me but he's more mature and independent. Sa aming dalawa parang siya ang panganay. Ako kasi laging kailangan bantayan at alagaan simula noon.

Agad inilapag ni Constance sa mesa ang mga gamit at bag na dala. Siguro galing siya sa bahay para kumuha ng damit naming dalawa. Siya lagi ang kasama kong nagpapalipas ng gabi sa tuwing dinadala ako sa hospital.

"What happened?" nagtatakang tanong niya nang makalapit sa aking kama.

"Wala. I just had a bad dream again..." sabi ko na agad tinutulan ni Mommy.

"It's not a bad dream, Cerestine! It's not. It means you'll stay here with us," she asserted in between her sobs.

Bumuntong-hininga ako at hindi na lamang kumibo nang umalis si Mommy sa pagkakaupo sa kama. Mabilis din siyang naglakad palabas ng aking kwarto. Umiiyak pa rin siya at alam ko hindi titigil ang kanyang hagulgol hanggang mamayang pagtulog. Susundan na sana siya ni Constance ngunit agad kong hinawakan ang kanyang kamay upang pigilan.

"Pupunta lang siya sa chapel," I stated and smiled at my brother to assure him that Mom would be fine.

Alam kong doon pupunta si Mommy para magpakalma. It's also my favorite spot here in the hospital. Constance smiled back and occupied the space beside me. Doon nakaupo si Mommy kanina.

Lumapit ako sa kanya upang ipahinga ang aking ulo sa kanyang balikat. Sumandal din ako sa kanyang dibdib. I really like his warmth since we were kids. It gives me security as if no one can hurt me because he'll protect me no matter what.

"What did you dream about this time?" tanong niya at ipinatong ang kamay sa aking balikat.

Sumulyap ako sa kanya at nasa labas ang kanyang tingin. He was staring blankly at the city lights. Glass window ang mga bintana ng kwarto ko kaya kitang-kita ang kabuuan ng Ciudad de Escalante.

"Remember the paradise I told you before when we were kids?" Panimula ko at tumitig din sa city lights.

My brother slowly nodded.

"Yeah. Is it where you found yourself riding a bike?"

A sweet smile crept from my lips. He remembers it. Pero noong araw na iyon, alam kong panaginip lang. Hindi totoo ang lahat nang nangyayari. It is impossible that I'm riding a bike. Hindi ako marunong magbisikleta.

Nevertheless, I was happy.

My nine-year-old self was happy. It feels so real.

At hanggang ngayon hindi ako marunong. Yes, I know. It's ridiculous not knowing how to ride a bicycle at this age. I understand, but I'll never understand why some people laugh when I told them about it. There's nothing funny because all I can feel is envy.

I envied everyone who can.

I envied everyone who has plenty of time to learn how to balance those wheels because I'm out there, struggling with how to balance my diet, my medicines, and my time in the hospital and school.

Let's say, I can learn how to ride it now. But what's for?

Learning how to ride a bike at this age will not make any difference either. Okay, marunong na ako. Matutuwa ba ang mundo? Magiging proud ba kayo? Hindi, 'di ba? Nothing impressive. People will only question you, "Bakit ngayon ka lang natuto?"

And learning it now will never fulfill the deprivation I had when I was a kid. It will never fill the void of not having a great childhood. The happiness and satisfaction from learning about that kind of thing? I needed it when I was nine.

I'm twenty-one now. I have a lot more important things to chase. To know. To achieve.

"I came back in that place..." deklara ko at pumikit para alalahanin ang nangyari sa panaginip kanina. It's good to be there. I know it's the safest place I could've ever been.

"Pero hindi ako nagtagal at bumalik din agad dito," I whispered, couldn't hide the little disappointment. I should be happy, I know. But I couldn't. I couldn't be happy anymore. Sinong anak ba ang matutuwa kung makita mo ang nanay mo na hirap na hirap sa sitwasyon?

Constance gulped and heaved deeply. Na para bang pinipigilan din ang anumang pagbuhos nang gustong kumawala.

"He said, the next time I'll come back there, iyon na talaga. I can finally be with Him. I just need to wait," dugtong ko at tumingin sa kapatid.

"He's also waiting for me. I don't want to make Him wait that long—"

"Let's stop talking about this, Ceres. You should sleep," matigas niyang pahayag para putulin ang aking sinasabi.

Natahimik ako sa kaseryosohan ng kanyang boses. Hinawakan niya ang aking balikat para pahigain na ngunit nanatili akong nakaupo. I'm not yet sleepy.

"I need to write before going to sleep. Dinala mo naman ang journal ko hindi ba?" tanong ko at hinila ang bed table palapit sa akin.

"I brought it. It's the most essential thing to you," aniya at lumapit sa mga bag na inilapag sa mesa kanina.

Writing in my notes is my daily routine to let out my thoughts and feelings. I couldn't scream out loud even though I badly wanted so I resort to this. Diary nowadays is underrated but this is the only outlet available to express me. Journal therapy is much more effective than the chemotherapies I've done in my entire life.

"Here," Constance uttered and place my journal at the table in front of me. Maging ang paborito kong ballpen ay hindi niya kinalimutan dalhin.

"Thanks..." I mouthed as I start flipping the pages.

"Pagkatapos niyan, matulog ka na," paalala niya kaya tumango ako habang nakangiti.

See? He really acts like the eldest between us. Mas bagay naman niya at mas matangkad siya sa akin noon pa kaya siya talaga ang napagkakamalan ng lahat na mas matanda.

I sighed when I started to write down on a new page. Habang ang kapatid ko naman ay nag-aayos na ng gamit sa kwarto. Binalik ko ang aking tingin sa sinusulat. I smiled weakly when some of the pages got wet already even I haven't finished what I'm writing.

I gasped. Crying is the only thing I can do whenever pain is resurrecting. It always slapped me about how harsh my reality is. Still, I couldn't give up the pain. It is the only thing that comes back.

Gamit ang nanginginig at nanlalabong mata, itinuloy ko ang pagsulat.


Today, I've been given another battle again.

A battle to endure pain and suffering that I've already encountered. But I think this time, it is way harder than dealing with the chemotherapies, bone marrow transplant, and another sight of my Mom who's crying every night when the doctor informed us that I need to be hospitalized again for a week.

I never thought that being a miracle baby will give me countless battles in my entire existence. I died right away the moment I was born, and I badly wish that I should've died already because dying once is much better than dying every day to live, right?

A warrior,

Ceres