WAKE ME UP

CHAPTER 3

Ben is driving his dad's Escalade, and it feels like he's steering a ship.

"God, I love you," he says through his laughter.

I wish I could remember what I said that made him laugh. I've thought so hard about it that I keep pushing the memory farther away, so I finally stopped.

At some point after Ben laughing, we broke through the guardrail at Castle's Turn and ended upside-down in the lake. My head slammed against the windshield, even though I was wearing a seatbelt – even though the airbags deployed like it was supposed to. Water rushed in. Ben freed me from my seatbelt but had to wait until the car filled up and neutralized the pressure before he could kick the door open and pull us out. I was conscious again by then, and we both swam to the surface. Someone had seen us crash and called 911. We paddled to shore. Ben kept me afloat.

Or at least that's the story I've heard. I don't remember any of it. My understanding of the accident and its aftermath is entirely what I was told. In place of memory, the story has become my memory. Maybe they're not that different.

What was different was everything else. It was like Dorothy's house had spun backward through time and space into black-and-white again.

My injuries weren't life-threatening, but they kept me in the hospital for a few days. By the time I got out, Ben was gone. I was informed he was spending the summer in Italy with a cousin, something that was news to me. From the moment I heard it, it didn't make any sense. He would've told me if those were his summer plans. A summer in Italy is not something you forget to mention. It may have only been a month that we were together, but we shared almost everything. I would've been thrilled for him, and he would've known that.

I tried texting and calling him. But I never heard back from him. I was ghosted.

Maybe it was his parents' doing. Maybe my mom was in on it, too. I tried to figure things out, but my head still hurt, and my memory was fuzzy, and I just didn't have the strength.

In September, Ben was back from Italy and back in school.

It was our senior year, and everyone but me was psyched. I was queasy. Even before I saw Ben, I had a bad feeling about it all, and why wouldn't I? And things turned out even worse than I thought. I was a stranger to Ben. It was like we never happened.

Ben changed his mind and joined the football team. He played quarterback, and the team made it to the state championship, where they lost in overtime. I've never given a shit about football, but it was sorta nice watching Ben play. It felt like the only time I could watch him and not feel weird. Or bad.

I never understood any of it. Ben certainly didn't explain it to me – he barely spoke to me – and no one else could.

So now you have a better idea of why I went back to sleep.