WAKE ME UP

CHAPTER 19

Day 5.

I'm out of Ritalin. I'm not sure if I'm awake or asleep.

We've reached the Torngat Mountains, and we start our ascend. No snow yet, but neither one of us has given up hope.

I keep looking at Ben. He's like a dream to me. I love this person no matter what he is, no matter what he remembers. I feel so much love for him, so I say what I've wanted to say all along, without apology.

"I love you, Ben."

"I love you too, Tiana," he answers without memory, just instinct and feeling.

Ben sees it first, falling from the sky. Tiny specks of snow.

I tell him to keep driving. To keep heading higher.

In a matter of minutes, it's snowing so hard that we can barely see in front of us. But Ben keeps moving. I keep telling him to go. We're almost there.

At this moment, I'm more awake than I've been in days.

The car suddenly breaks into a clearing, leaving the snowfall behind. We've almost reached the top of the road – the top of the mountain. The snow has stopped, but the ground is covered with it. Nothing but pure, white snow shimmering in the brilliant, bright sun.

Ben pulls over, and we both climb out. The burst of cold is refreshing.

Ben stands there, ankle-deep in it.

"Snow," he says, amazed and giddy again. And then he chuckles at the mystery of it all. "Why is it white anyway?"

He turns toward me, looking for the answer. I've scooped up a handful of white powder, and I throw it at him, hitting him like a pie in the face.

"Whoops," I coyly say.

He can't believe I did that.

"Oh, you are so in trouble."

"No, I'm sorry, truce."

He's suspicious but shows me mercy.

I wipe the snow out of his eyes and off his lips. I kiss him. He kisses me back.

"I'll get our jackets," he finally says as we both shiver. He grabs them from the backseat. As he turns back, I land another perfect snow pie in the face.

"Oh, that's it – no more mercy," Ben warns, and there's no amount of begging I can do that will stop him.

We are suddenly in a snow fight, creating our own blizzard. We're relentless and unforgiving, battling to the end. The more snow we're hit with, the funnier we find it all.

We tumble to the ground, pulling each other down. Out of breath. Flushed with our laughter and joy.

It doesn't take long for me to feel it. Things have dimmed again, nearly dark this time. I need to sleep. I want to stay longer – I want to stay with Ben – but I can't keep my eyes open.

I must be human. I knew I would know if I had died in the accident. If I were a stand-in like Ben. I would know.

Unless. Unless my computer program is simulating the feeling of sleepiness. But I know I'm just fooling myself.

"I don't want to sleep," I tell Ben. I'm finally awake to the beauty in the world, and I still have so much living left to do.

"I don't want you to sleep, either. We crashed, and I died, and we lost each other. But somehow, we've put it back together."

It's true. We put us back together.

Ben tells me he wants to come with me. He'll take his "life" when I'm gone. He'll unplug himself. Short-circuit his motherboard. End his existence along with mine.

"No," I say. "You have to live. You have to experience everything for the both of us." It's another cliché, I know. But it's the only thing that makes sense to me right now. "You have to remember for the both of us."

I still haven't taken my eyes off of Ben. I don't look away. I don't even blink. For as long as I can. But I can't hold on much longer.

My eyes keep closing. They keep closing but opening. Closing but opening. Close, then open. Close... open. Close...