woso - new player

Quiet

*TW: very strong themes of suicide and painkillers please don't read if you are struggling in any way*

Not a lot has happened since my apology to the group. I've remained quiet, not wanting to cause any more drama. But I don't feel better than I did.
I am just not vocal about it. I've learnt how to brush things under the carpet.

It's Saturday, the day before our match against Tottenham. I know I won't be playing yet since I'm not even in full training but at least I'm around the girls.
I sit on the floor of the gym. Lotte and Alessia are talking with Emily about something or other beside me and Leah and Beth are talking on the other side. I'm drinking water and scrolling through my phone. I had blocked my parents number after one of Gran's texts pretending to be my mother went through and I'd finally had enough. I texted Gran telling her I knew what she was doing and that I loved her and missed her. Because it's true.
I saw 7 missed calls from B and 4 from Junia.
I tap on our chat and it's B saying she needs to call me it's urgent. I look around, it's quite a peaceful day with another round of training happening after lunch so everyone is just chatting and chilling out for a while. I ring her back.

Me: Ciao, stai bene?

Bea: Mi dispiace tanto, Gracie I am so sorry Gracie

Me: huh?

Bea: Tua Gran ha avuto un grave infarto stamattina e l'ospedale ha fatto tutto il possibile ma è morta. Mi dispiace tanto, Gracie. Your Gran had a massive heart attack this morning and the hospital did everything they could but she died. I'm so sorry Gracie.

Me: Beatrice...Bea what?

Bea: your mum called me to tell you. She wants to talk to you about it soon. I'm so sorry Gracie

________

I hung up the phone. My hands are shaking and I feel like I'm about to pass out. I don't care where I am anymore. Before I know what I'm doing I'm standing up and walking toward the doors. I hear someone ask if I'm alright and I turn around to see the voice coming from Beth.

"Bene? COME POTREI STARE BENE? Ho finito con tutta questa stupida cosa. Ho così finito con tutto questo. Potete andare tutti a fanculo. L'unica famiglia che mi amava se n'era andata e non ho potuto salutarla. Cavolo, non la vedo da tanto tempo e l'ho scoperto non dai miei genitori ma dal mio povero migliore amico che è diventato un fottuto traduttore." Alright? HOW COULD I BE ALRIGHT? I'm done with this whole stupid thing. I'm so done with all of this. You can all go fuck yourself. The only family that loved me is gone and I couldn't say goodbye. Hell, I haven't seen her in a long time and I found out not from my parents but from my poor best friend who became a fucking translator.
I storm off leaving everyone in a sort of daze. I just exploded but who cares. I don't know where I'm going.
Time has sort of just slowed down. Everything is spinning but also perfectly calm. I march into the car park and before I know it I'm sitting in my car with my head on the steering wheel and the doors locked. I need to go home. But I'm not going home to my beloved gran, I'm going home to face my parents wrath. I don't know where I'm supposed to go. Liv is in Spain, and I could call her but she's busy. I don't want to talk to anyone anyway, but I don't want to sit here in silence.
I flick on the radio. The first song that plays is Abba. Dancing queen. My eight year old self and gran used to call that our karaoke song, we danced to it at garden parties and at birthdays. My favourite memory is dancing on new years with my gran and then playing a duet on the guitars.
I don't know when but I realise I'd started crying. Tears fall from my eyes quicker than ever before. I feel my cheeks go red and my eyes burn as the tears just go and go. I don't think I've ever cried harder in my life- it felt like someone was stabbing me and strangling me all at the same time.