Parenting Paul

Chapter 17: Maybe I'm Afraid

Several hours later back at Paul's apartment, Paul was sitting on his couch watching Heather as she sloppily ate a peanut butter and jam sandwich that Paul ended up making for her. "Do you want some?" She soon asked sweetly as she tore a piece of the sandwich off, and then showed the piece to Paul innocently. "Nah, I'm okay.." He whispered his answer as he watched Heather eat the piece she had torn apart. The two watched each other, both seemingly enthralled with each other, yet also weary of each other. "Mr. Paul...can I ask you something?" Heather soon asked as she took her final bite of her sandwich. "Go ahead." He encouraged, as Heather turned to him, as he leaned his arm on the rest of his couch and his head on his palm. "What are you always doing in your office?" Heather asked shyly as Paul took a very deep sigh. "Just writing songs." He answered as Heather's eyes lit up, and she hopped off the couch.

"I can help with that! I can! I can!" She exclaimed as she bounced around with glee. "It's not just any song, it's about the love of my life, the one and only true love, that's something you're too young to understand." he answered as he stood up off the couch and headed down the hallway. "I know what love is! It's when the princess meets Prince Charming, and they all live together happily ever after, they make zillions of movies about that!" Heather added as she followed close behind him. "That's not what love is, love is caring and understanding each other no matter what, doing that unconditionally and living life together as a united team." Paul answered as he sat down in his desk chair. "It's this feeling that adults have difficulty understanding, as it's something you only get to experience once in your lifetime, it's this amazing, thrilling, magical state of mind..." Paul began to ramble on as he began to unknowingly write down his thoughts on a blank page of paper that was on his desk.

"Make a song about that." Heather suggested as she shrugged and watched Paul tap his pencil on his desk as he looked up at the wall towards a framed photograph of himself and Jane Asher attending the premiere of How I Won The War that starred John Lennon that was released the previous year. He then looked down towards his desk at an assortment of photographs of himself and Linda that were taken on Mal's yacht. "It's..it's...something I'm afraid of.." Paul whispered as Heather watched from the doorway with care.

Suddenly it was early morning, and Paul had fallen asleep at his desk, and he could barely remember what had happened the previous day. Sluggishly he rubbed his eyes, yawned and looked at his desk to see what he had ended up writing on that blank sheet of paper.

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time
Or maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you
Baby, I'm amazed at the way you pulled me out of time
You hung me on a line
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you

Baby, I'm a man, maybe I'm a lonely man
Who's in the middle of something
That he doesn't really understand
Baby, I'm a man, maybe you're the only woman
Who could ever help me
Baby, won't you help me understand?

Paul had also drawn a tiny picture of a woman in pencil, that resembled Linda, which brought tears to his eyes, as he knew what this ultimately meant, but he still wanted to give Jane one more chance, as he did not want to risk rejection from his true love. Sure, Paul had been seeing Linda off and on for quite some time now, but was she really the one? Or, was she just another insane fan-girl, who only saw Paul as a playboy toy? ticket to fame? Thoughts like these ran rampant through the psyche of Paul that early dawn, was he playing himself just to be a fool? All of these thoughts were something he had never experienced before, as he looked at what he had written during his daze before drifting off into slumber, he felt some sense of relief yet uncontrollable uncertainty.