A Life Remembered (Hard Time Series-Book 7)

Noah (Part I)

STEF POV

Every Friday night, Lena chatted with Callie on the phone, and it was something I never interfered with. Ever. I knew it was something Lena had to do, and how she also handled the entire thing. Much like our son Jude, who Callie also spoke with, he and Lena had the kindest and most forgiving hearts.

At times, I found it sweet, and it was something I loved about the both of them. But other times it worried me because the last thing I wanted to do was for wife to get hurt or anyone I love for that matter. Lena had been so sensitive lately, so in some sense, it worried me even more.

But there was no getting around that thing with Callie was a mind fuck. Regardless of the fact that she was apparently clean, taking her medication, and earning a living, my brain just wouldn't and couldn't get too fucking close to it. I loved her, of course, but the distance I maintained from it was vital for my health and my heart that had become so damn soft over time.

There was a part of me that wanted to say hi, a very, very small part, but the other part of me did not. I also wasn't sure when I would either, even if the letter she wrote me before she left for LA meant a great deal to me. Just seeing Mom written on it did something to my heart, but I realized then that Callie could shatter me, and that wasn't a good feeling.

I used to be tough as shit, the toughest and sometimes my father's words haunted me, that my two vices were love and my children. I didn't know if there was any truth to that or not, because he felt it would be my downfall.

I used to think he meant the downfall of his business and all the other shit he had me doing. But now I wonder if he meant my downfall in general. My health, my life, all of it because stress had almost taken me out once in this life and I was not about to let it happen again.

But I was a mother, I was a mother to Callie, Jude, Frankie, Ali, Noah and Tasha. I was a grandmother to Baby Stef, Andrew, Amelia, Antoniette, Faith and now JJ. And each one of them was my life, my world, and I would not trade it for anything. Nothing.

I couldn't let one child ruin it for everyone else. I couldn't let Callie's demons become mine, but I didn't know how to separate it. None of it because I still had so much anger and hurt towards her. And I hated that.

I hated it because I didn't want that to be the case, and I saw that same anger and hurt in Baby Stef making me wonder if I was rubbing off on her. And not in a good way. She was such a good kid, and always had been, but she wasn't a little girl anymore, and her questions were getting harder and harder for Lena and I to answer. And sometimes I had no answer at all.

Pulling up to the church to pick up Noah, I exit my car and slowly head up the steps. I had no intentions of grilling Rev Tess, but this thing with my son was bothering the fuck outta me. I promised Lena I'd be nice, which I would because Rev had helped me and family out a lot over the past few months. And she was a kind soul. But I also promised my wife I'd try to get it out of him, and I had to for the both of us.

Stepping inside, I see my son neatly putting bibles into the back of the pews and I smile at him. It killed me to know that he was possibly hurting inside and felt he couldn't say a word to me or Lena. It wasn't our pride, or anything,we just wanted him to know that we cared and loved him no matter what.

"There's one of my baby boys." I say, smiling widely, and Noah looks up, grinning at me. Hugging him warmly, I feel him hold me even tighter and I kiss his soft cheek, continuing to notice just how tall he actually is. Much like Jude.

"Hey Ma. I could have walked."

"Why? It's good for me to get out, ya know?"

"Yeah, but I don't like you driving at night. It's not safe."

"Really?" I look at him like he's crazy and like he's forgotten that I was locked up at one point in my life. Even if it had almost been two decades, I still could kick someone's ass if I needed to and I was not fucking scared.

"Yeah, Ma, Really. Even if you were in jail and can evidently defend yourself, I still worry and don't want you out at night if you don't need to be. That's all."

"Well, I thought we could go grab something to eat or something, baby boy. I know you like the burgers at In and Out or that place you and Jude go to. Thought we could grab one and a shake." You hungry?"

"What about the babies?"

"Mama Lion is home and Jude is there with Liv, now. Mama Lion let me out tonight." I laugh and he shakes his head, smiling. "Plus, it's like 730. You act like it's 11 at night. Come, have something to eat with your Mom. Or are you embarrassed by me, huh?"

"What? No, Ma. You are silly. Let me grab my stuff and sign out. I'll be right back. Have a seat, okay?"

"Yeah, sure baby." I smile at him again, and I watch him head into the office where I see Rev exit. Walking towards me with a bible in her hand, she happily greets me like always.

"Stef hi, how are you?"

"Good. Lena let me out." I joke and she shakes her head, laughing. "But my son is doing well?"

"Stef, he's wonderful. Very kind and helpful. He's even fixed a few things around the church."

"Yeah, well, that seems to be his passion and all. He's a sensitive kid and means well. Can't always get him to say shit, but you know he's a good kid." I say, looking right at her and her face grows worried and concerned. That was something I could very well pick up on, plus I was still able to read people very well.

"Look Rev, I'm not an asshole, I now he confided in you and I'm not gonna put you in any kind of position like I would someone else. Because that's not right and I have a shitload of respect for you. It's just my wife, and I are worried as fuck because we found something he wrote, and I told my wife I'd try to get it out of him. But Rev, on a scale of one to ten, is my son okay?" I can't get him to say shit, not even to his uncle and brother."

She motions for me to take a seat in the pew as she slides next to me.

"I gotta sit for this Rev?"

"No. But, yes, he did confide in me and I have been working with him to be able to speak to you and Lena. He prays on it weekly, Stef. Weekly. What I can tell you is, he might feel better if you just speak to him alone. Not together, because that may be too scarey for him."

"Stef, he feels very ashamed, and it's very difficult for him. Let him know he is strong enough to tell you, because I feel if he hears that from you, and possibly some of the things you have gone through, it could help him. But, he didn't kill anyone, it wasn't drugs. But,..

"I know. I'd never ask you to tell me. Ever, Rev. I just don't want him to feel like we wouldn't love him."

"I know. You have to tell him, but he cares so very much about you and your family. And he cares about your health. It's something he prays on very often. Noah looks up to you, and he has expressed that he loves coming here with you for Bible study. Stef, he loves you and Lena very much."

"We love him too, Rev."

"I know you do. It might take him a second, but you are very good at getting things out of people. You know what to say."

She gently rests her hand on my arm as we both get up and see Noah walking towards us with his backpack. His fact looks rather concerned, but I reach my hand out for him to take.

"Hey baby. Ready to go?"

"Yeah, all okay? I mess up Reverend."

"Not at all. I was telling your mom what a great job you are doing. Which you are, and we are happy to have you here. But, I will see you both on Tuesday for Bible study.:

"Actually, I was wondering if we could both come to mass on Sunday? Could we, Ma? Come together?"

"Sure baby. Sounds good to me."

"Cool."

"Well, then I will see you both on Sunday. I look forward to it." Rev says and I smile, wishing her a goodnight. I wasn't sure if I was capable of getting things out of everyone, but I'd try with my son tonight. He needed to know we loved him and that Lena and I would never disown him. No matter what. Ever.

"Alright sweets, let's grab something to eat and chat. Alright?"

"Sure, Ma. Sounds good."