Dire {h.s.}

30

Avah Manikova

Spin the bottle was a game I never participated in, neither was seven minutes in heaven. All of my friends encouraged me to just do it, kiss him and get it done and over with. Go in the closet, kiss him, come out. It always sounded so simple and to them, fun. But the idea of kissing a random boy at a high school party never appealed to me. In fact, I was the one to always sit out. I would be in the back cheering on my friends with the others in the circle as they participated in all of these stupid games, because to them, kissing never meant anything to them. I feel like it's such an intimate and delicate act that not only makes you and the other feel good, but it ignites the feelings you both have for each other. So the thought of sharing such a small but meaningful act with someone who I didn't care about just never felt right.

But with him, everything feels right. And I hate to admit it, but within this short amount of time I've slowly gotten to know Harry and learn his mind, despite knowing there's so much more I haven't learned, it just feels right for now.

I stare into his eyes, starstruck by his question. And despite every feeling and urge he has ignited me in this moment, I know deep down I'm not ready.

My insecurities battle with everything inside of me. There's a part of me that wants to let him touch me, but then there's another part of me where my insecurity attacks my kind and forces me to be scared that he'll be disappointed in the way I look. I'm afraid he won't like me after seeing this part of me, the vulnerable side of me. And then, there's a small part of me that I hate to think but I know it's a possibility, that Harry might get mad if I say no. What if he gets so angry that I'm doubting him or not wanting him to touch me that he starts another argument? It will ruin what was left of the positive between us and leave another dark negative hole, making us start over one more time like before.

I don't know what to say, and now he's staring back at me patiently as I try to find an answer.

Slowly, I shake my head. "I-I'm not ready... I'm sorry."

I feel so embarrassed, I've just ruined everything now.

"That's okay, don't apologize." He says, surprising me. I think my face shows my shock because he gives me a questioning look. "Did you think I'd get mad at you for saying no?"

Be honest.

I nod timidly, afraid of his reaction.

He sighs, dropping his gaze momentarily before meeting mine again. "I would never pressure you into anything like that. Remember that, Avah."

"I'll remember."

He smiles gently, "Okay, let's get out of here."

I nod as Harry places his hand against one of the shelves and pulls away from me—

Suddenly, the shelf begins to tip over and my eyes go wide. "Harry, look out!"

Harry is quick to flip around and catches the shelf from falling all the way to the floor, and only a few books fall out from it. One hits him on the head during its way to the floor, making me laugh a little.

"We'll that fucking hurt," he says, looking down at the book.

I laugh more, not being able to contain myself.

He pauses, "wait–"

I cut myself off from laughing at him and drop my eyes to the floor to see what his own are drilling so hard into. More specifically, the book he's staring at. It just looks like an old ordinary book you'd find at your local antique shop. It's even covered in some dust.

"That's it." He says, "I found it."

"The one you were looking for?" I ask, watching him kneel down to the floor to pick it up.