Broken Mate (MM) (COMPLETE)

Chapter Eighteen

Alexander Williams 

Pathetic

Worthless

Broken

Unwanted

Sad

Lonely

Fuck. The words repeat, over and over in my head. I turn over, laying on my back as I stare at the ceiling.

"Xan?" Knox's voice is soft, as his arm loops around my waist. "Why're you up?" he asks, and I try. I try so hard to force the words through my throat. But they don't come. "Angel.." he murmurs, linking our fingers together. His free hand runs through my hair. "Do you need anything?"

His voice is gentle. His hand squeezed mine, and i managed to squeeze back. My stomach turns, and I keep my eyes locked on the ceiling.

Pathetic

Worthless

Broken

Unwanted

Sad

Lonely

The words repeat, and his touch fades. I know it's still there, but a part of me feels gone. Like i'm not in my own body.

—

It's been five hours. Knox is awake beside me, running his fingers loosely through my hair. My head's in his lap, as he sits leaning against the headboard. He got up to go to the bathroom, and he brought me food I couldn't eat. But he holds me, and his voice is overcrowding the one in my head.

Everytime the words start to repeat, Knox's voice floods my head.

"You're so strong, Xan. So brave. I'm so proud of you" his voice is so soft, but it's grounding. "It's gonna be okay, angel. We're gonna get through this"

We.

I'm not pathetic.

I'm worth it.

I'm fixable.

He wants me.

I'm not alone.

Knox is proud of me. He chooses me.

Someone picks me.

—

I jerk up, my head pounding and my throat dry. Knox is pulling me back against him. I'm still between his legs, but I fell asleep?

My head turns to him, and he gives me a small smile. "Hi baby" he whispers, his arms tightening around my waist. I feel lighter

"I slept?"

He nods, one hand finding my hair. He runs his hands through it, his words settle around me in a comforting warmth. "You did, I'm so proud of you. You got through it" he nods, and the sincereness in his words hits my chest. My eyes water, but I blink it back.

"Want to go downstairs and get some food? It's dinner time ". His words are the same, calmness. I nod, and he climbs out of bed from behind me. Then he's helping me out of bed. My legs wobble slightly, and then I link our fingers. His thumb brushes my hand, as he leads us downstairs.

"Hey babe" dad says, when he sees me. Pops is sitting at the aisle, watching dad.

"Hey kiddo. How are you feeling?" Pops asks, his eyes roaming my body. I nod, clearing my throat.

"Thirsty and hungry. And tired"

"Dad made dinner. I'll get you a gatorade, yeah?" pops asks, and i nod. He gets up to do what he says, and Knox walks me over to a chair. My legs are wobbly, from laying so long. He helps me into my seat, which I don't need. But I let him. I sit, watching my parents interact as Knox sits besides me.

"Here" Pops says, handing me an unscrewed gatorade. I take a long drink, downing half of it in one go. My throat feels better, but my stomach hurts.

Dad gives me a bowl of spaghetti, and my pills on the side. He gives Knox food too.

"Want to make an extra appointment with Emily?" he asks. Another therapy appointment? No thanks.

I shake my head, scoping food into my mouth.

"It was shorter this time," Dad says, fiddling with his fingers. "You were like that for 6 hours Xan, then you fell asleep." His voice is soft, and I know what he's implying. The medicine is working, or Knox is helping.

The shortest episode I have had was 10 hours.

I nod.

"I love you" Dad says, and I nod again.

"I love you too"

"We all love you, Xan" Pops adds, coming up beside me. He kisses my head, squeezing me to his chest. "We love you so much kid." His voice sounds broken. I know I break dad, but pops? He's hard as hell. Breaking pops? My heart can't handle that.

"I'm so sorry" my voice cracks, as tears start streaming down my face. Dad is behind me, rubbing my back. Pops kneels down beside me, catching my eyes. He runs his fingers under my eyes, wiping the tears.

"Don't be sorry kiddo. You can't help it. But when that voice tells you all those lies. You gotta remember that we love you, we don't think that about you. We think you're brave, and strong. Hell you're the strongest out of all of us Xan. You gotta know that" Pops voice wavers, and my heart clenches.

Dad is normally the one giving me speeches. It's not that pops doesnt care, he does. We just have a different bond. But him saying all this? I practically throw myself at him, and he catches me holding me close to him.

"I'm so sorry" I cry, my heart tender. I don't know why I keep saying it, but I do.

"You have no reason to be sorry" Pops murmurs, kissing my head again. He rubs my back, and holds me while I lose it. I sob, and shake, and I bury my head into his chest, as I let out everything I possibly can.

And pops? He holds me. He tells me they love me, and they're here for me. But he grounds me, through it all. It's not a panic attack though. It's like I'm letting go of a piece of me.

But not a piece of me I need. No. The piece of me that's tarnished. That's damaged. A piece that needs to go. The piece that brings me down. I'm out growing myself, because I deserve to heal.

I was weak, and alone. I thought I was. But I'm not. I have my mate, my siblings. The best dads. I can do this. I deserve to fucking heal.

And when i go to bed that night, after eating my dinner. I feel the lightest I've ever felt. I feel like I'm gonna be okay. Like things will work out.

Like I'm worth something. Because fuck it, I am.

I'm worth it. 

A/N

This story is finished on my patreon! 

What are your thoughts on his healing? I'm so happy for him. He's not better completely but he's getting there :)