Indelible (EN)

Chapter 12

"Every hour makes its wound and the last one finishes it off".

- Théophile Gautier

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I turn away from the building, a sourness lurking in the back of my throat. Cassie asks in a faint voice if I'm all right, pointing to arm's wound inflicted when I broke the bottle and the one in my stomach, which is much deeper. The smell of blood rises to my gut and I take pleasure in breathing hard.

- It's all right, it's only a small cut.

We walk to her house in stunned silence. Before she walks through the door of her studio, she turns, faces me, wraps her little arms around my shoulders and whispers in my ear.

- Thank you for this evening. I'm sorry I put you in that situation.

- I needed to let off a bit of steam anyway. 

- Go straight home, okay? Don't make any more waves and heal your wounds.

- I won't.

She kisses me on the cheek before loosening her hold and locking the door behind her.

1 h 47 -

The air is cool tonight and the gusts of wind are rushing through my hair. I even have the feeling that the cold is penetrating deep into my wounds, pulling them apart and making them so deep that my heart is sinking. It makes me tense, it moves me, it irritates me and the whole bloody situation excites me.

It scares me to see that I still have so much anger inside me, so many grudges, hatred and bad feelings. Yes, I'm afraid of holding on to everything, of not being able to let it all go and of still being this ticking time bomb. It scares me when I see that I'm capable of lashing out so violently at strangers for sometimes trivial reasons. When it comes down to it, I'm not angry with them, but with myself and also a little bit with the Gods. 

The gold medal goes to my hatred of myself. It scares me to be a grenade and to think that one day I'm going to explode for good and end up in a thousand pieces. I'm afraid of everything that's inside me and especially everything that doesn't want to come out.I finally understand that it's impossible for me to be happy by perpetuating situations in which I'm not. And if you were to ask me if I could do the same thing again, I'd say yes, because I've stood my ground. I stand up for what I am, for my intrinsic values, even the most devious ones. 

I stood up tonight, proud, unafraid to affirm what I am, a nascent monster. I let my heart speak, unafraid of losing because I was already ready to lose everything, without ever losing myself.I was there tonight, ready to face the winds, the tides, the storms and the tornadoes, knowing full well that I wasn't strong enough to make it through. 

Today, in particular, I want to stand up for myself, not to protect those I love, but to experience new things, whether they're horrible or exciting. I know I have a bad temper. I'm cold and hard to figure out. I'm constantly hiding under my shell to avoid revealing my weaknesses, to hide the fact that I think too much, that I think too much and that I get too much into my head. The truth is that I'm never one for half measures, I hate with a deep-seated hatred and I love sincerely, like Cassie and alcohol. 

There's a constant battle going on between my head and my heart, I'm between the two, between two worlds, trying as hard as I can not to fall. I'm a tightrope walker on the edge of my soul and I'm scared, I admit. I'm afraid of that wind that's a little too strong and that will make me slip, slowly, dragging me into a painfully deserved fall.