I hate that I love you

A day in the life.

Hi, as read before, my name is Forest and I am gonna walk you through my journey as I discover what it means to be aroace.
As most of you might know, aromantic/asexual people don't feel the type of attractions everyone feels. But this story is from a different lens, MY lens.

Well, this story starts one faithful day, my dearest sister, Belle, wakes me up in the most gentle way known to man.

(Belle) AVERY!! (Deadname)We are gonna be late for school, I better not have detention because of you, got it?

Yep, that's my sister. She's a good person but just a little short-tempered. Anyways, I go down for breakfast and get ready, on time for the first time in ages. I don't really know how I managed to do that but who's complaining.

Off to school we go!

Anyways, at school I wasn't really popular, I got made fun of a lot for being a queer person but that was old news considering that now a lot of queer people came out and created a safe space. A club! It's called Queer crusaders.

I loved it there. I was so excited to meet people like me! I enjoyed being able to share my experiences and thoughts to other amazing queer people. I also made a friend from Queer crusaders, his name is Ben. Ben is a transgender person (obviously ftm). their pronouns are he/they. He is such a sweet person but he was scared to come out. He lived in an area infamous for being very dangerous, especifically for minority groups, like lgbtq+, he hasn't transitioned but with the help of the group, they were able to be masculine, at least at school.

One day, I asked them,

Hey, Ben, ummm, Can I tell you something?

Sure, go ahead.

I'm...

I paused, it was as if there was a lump I'm my throat. He would accept me, it'll be fine. I'll be okay. Right?

My head started spinning and I couldn't speak.

Hey, you can tell me later, okay?

Yeah, I am sorry, I wasn't ready.

Alright.

They hugged me. I was shocked. I mumbled,

Thank you.

You're always welcome. Anyways, I'll see you later, okay?

Okay.

I was devastated. I was also very, I guess, dissappointed with myself. As the day went by, I got better and I was finally okay.

When I reached home, I rushed up to my room and laid in my bed. I was really tired, exhausted, I stared at the ceiling and starting singing,

I thought I was ready
But I guess I'll have to wait
A bit more
And I'll be better in a moment or more
I'll be fine, I've got time
Time flies by, but I am young and free
Someday I'll discover me.
Someday I'll fly from my cage and leave.

Singing that I fell asleep. I felt so light for the first time. I slept for about two hours and was woken up by my mum.

The rest of the day was pretty normal. I was really out of it. I don't know why but it felt like something was unusual. Just then my sister, Belle, walked into my room. She said,

Hey, are you alright?

I replied, yeah. Why do you ask?

You seemed really stressed, at school, I thought I should ask. Anyways, good night!

Good... night.

I couldn't sleep that night. Something seemed to bother me. It felt like there was a weight on my shoulder, I couldn't get rid of it. I tossed and turned to no avail. I sat up, grabbed my diary and wrote an entry...

"Dear diary,

My day went very confusingly, it was not bad but not good either. I don't know what to think, feel or do. It feels like uncertainty. I feel very overwhelmed.

On a second note, I tried to come out to Ben but I couldn't. I'll need more time and I'm surprisingly okay with it.

I hope I'll feel okay. But for now, I'm okay with not being okay. I just want to feel what I feel and do what I need to.

Forest."

As I wrote that I felt like I wasn't ready to be 'who I am' yet. I felt guilty, sort of as if it wasn't normal. I felt very lonely in that moment.

I started tearing up and before I knew it, I started crying. It felt very confusing and I felt helpless.