I hate that I love you

She's... beautiful.

After I intially gave the note to Ben to pass on, I couldn't stop thinking about it. What was she gonna say? Did I actually make her feel uncomfortable? The extra burden was getting heavy on my mental health. I was barely able to function. Seeing this, Ben tried to help me. One day, he felt like it was not okay for me to suffer silently. At this point, I couldn't tell that he was able to piece together what was going on.

He sat me down that day and asked,

- Hey, how are you?

- I'm... fine. Did you call me here just to ask that?

- No. Well, kinda. He sat down with me. I'm worried about you. You don't seem... fine.

- What!? I exclaimed in pure confusion and fear. WHY WOULD YOU ASSUME THAT? I'M COMPLETELY FINE! I said, trying to hold in my tears.

- You don't have to tell me anything. Take your time. I'm here for you. He said as he was about to get up.

- Hey, can you stay here for a bit? Having company would be nice.

- Sure.

We sat there for a while. At first it was just silence but then it turned into me spilling everything that bothered me. Well, almost everything. I started to cry, I felt like a mess and I panicked. Everything was unreal and...

- Breath, it'll be fine. Take your time. Ben said calmly. Lay down. Try to breath.

Everything felt a bit more okay again. I said thank you to Ben for staying and helping, apologized for panicking and told him to have a good day. He went his merry way. After that, I fell asleep. When I woke up which I didn't want to because I can't turn my mind off when awake, I opened my phone to see a text,

Sierra: Hey, I got your letter. I didn't feel uncomfortable. I'm sorry if you did. I know you aren't trying to harm me. You being scared of doing that unintentionally is proof that you don't want to. Also, can we hang out sometime soon?

Forest: I didn't either, just wanted to make sure I didn't make you feel bad. Sure and when?

Sierra: Next saturday and we have a sleepover?

Forest: Alright.

I was very excited. We hung out often and I really liked her company. For some reason, she just felt safe. Though, after what happened I kinda felt an unnecessary feeling of guilt. I tried to get it out of me but I just couldn't.

A few days passed by, we were meeting at her house this time. I went there and greeted everyone and went up to her room to watch movies with her. As we were watching the movies, she paused it and went down to get snacks while I was overthinking about the moment. Why did it feel different?

She came back upstairs and sat next to me.

- Do you want snacks?

- No, thank you. Can I ask you something?

- Yeah, sure.

- When... What's your favorite movie?, I said sounding shaky

- Really don't have one. Anyways, shall we resume the movie?

- Yeah.

When the movie was about to end, I accidentally fell asleep on her shoulder. When I eventually woke up, I found her starring at me. I couldn't help it either, all I wanted to do was admire her beauty. I jokingly said whilst being half asleep-

- What are you starring at?

- Nothing. She blurted out, stunned.

I sat up and looked at her.

- Sorry! Let's just watch the movie.

- Alright. I said recognising that she was getting uncomfortable.

We watched the rest of the movie and started sharing stuff about recent life. She mentioned how silly she was around one of her friends in her childhood. I asked her, curiously

- Are you queer? I said.

-I... I don't know. She said with tears in her eyes.

- It's fine, you don't have to know. You don't have to have yourself figured out.

- I know. There's just a weird pressure to know everything the moment you know something is wrong.

- There's nothing wrong. You'll figure it out.

- But... There is. I AM A GIRL AND... I am supposed to like guys but they never seemed like it.

- I know that feeling. I said then took a deep breath. Can I tell you something?

- Sure. Go ahead.

- You know that I'm not a girl.

- You aren't?

- I don't identify as one.

- Well... I used to think like that too but I'm pretty sure I am... one.

- I'm not.

- I fully support you.

- Thank you. Also, you can talk to me whenever you want.

- Thank you to you too. I really needed to get that out.

- You're welcome. If you don't mind, can you stay a bit longer?

- Yeah, sure. If you'd like me to.

- I need... company.

- Alright.

- Can I umm... hug you?

I took a deep breath in and reluctantly said, "Sure."

- You don't look like you're sure.

- I... am not! I'm sorry, I feel disgusting when I receive touch sometimes.

- Oh. Are you comfortable?

- Honestly, no.

- Can I help with anything?

- No. I need a little space.

- Okay. Take your time.

After that we both fell asleep. When I woke up, I stood up and saw her sleeping peacefully. "She looks so beautiful. Anyways, I should pack my stuff." I said to myself.

Whilst gathering my things, I couldn't help but stare at her. I... NO. Get it together. After she woke up, I said,

- Good morning.

- Good morning. She said, rubbing her eyes.

- I have to go home in an hour or so.

- Oh. Let me get ready and then we'll have breakfast.

- Alright.

We had breakfast and talked gor a while. After that, Belle came to pick me up and Sierra looked sad. I jokingly said

- Don't worry, I'm gonna be alive.

- I... know!!

She proceeded to give me a hug and it was by far the warmest I have ever had. I felt sad too but I was far too in denial to address it.