I hate that I love you

I am not umm... okay.

I broke down after that. I didn't feel like I deserved to even breathe. After that, a sudden wave of anxiety flushed over my head. I started breathing very quickly, it felt like a heavy burden fell on my chest.

I lied down, I felt my reality fade away, it felt as though everything around me was fake, not an actual object. I closed my eyes, hoping to feel better. I fell asleep.

After I woke up, I had a very bad headache. I got out of my bed and checked the time, 4:55 AM. I put my phone down and got back onto my bed. Hearing the clock tick made me feel weird. I tried to sleep again but I couldn't. After a while though, I fell asleep.

I was not okay for a while. It felt as if I were living in a fever dream. It was just a hazy blur. No matter what I did, I couldn't get away from the feeling of being in a fever dream. All the days were a mess, my body gave up working, I felt as though I was a soul, as though I wasn't walking, I was floating around.

After a while, the fog got thicker, I got weaker. Sierra noticed this and asked me-

- Hey, how are you?

- Not very well, Why?

- Just wanted to check up on you. You can ask for help whenever you need.

- Alright, I will.

Saying that, I went silent, barely even saying a word. It was like I drifted into my own little world. Everything seemed unreal, all I wanted to do was switch-off, stop thinking, but I couldn't.

At the end of the day, I stayed up the whole night, trying to just stop. I was turning from side to side, singing lullabies in my head to no avail.

I started staring at the ceiling, zoning out. It felt as though, my brain was finally light. I reached a state of bliss, pure euphoria of feeling nothing. Nothing at all. I closed my eyes and went into a calm slumber. I had a dream filled with nothing, it was all white. It was relieving.

I thought about it for days trying hard to explain what it was, until I was able to explain everything in a poem

It's so calm
It's almost haunting,
It's so much,
Yet it's not daunting.
It's not water,
But I feel like I'm drowning.
In the mist of serenity,
But it's never hurting.
It's all I wanted
Yet it is just a silly little wish
A dream.

It felt nice to kinda let it out. My poems and songs were things that left my mind, but never my diary. It felt magical to sink in the world of imagination, where my heart was the director, my mind, the screen.

At this point of time, I got really comfortable around Sierra, I thought that I could share this with her. So, I tried to. I texted her asking if she wanted to hear it and she said yes!

She read my poem and said she loved it  She stared at my writing and then looked at me. She looked numb and asked if I was okay. I said "not really." She looked worried, she suddenly stood up with a worried expression. I got kind of scared. Before I could say anything, she hugged me.

I wanted to burst in tears, the last few days were... difficult to say the least. That was the first time I felt any positive emotion in the past few days. When she pulled away, she saw my face, I looked like I was gonna cry. She put her hand on my face, I stared at her eyes, beautiful as ever. We were close, but I, for the first time, didn't feel uncomfortable. She came closer. I got scared and pulled away. I took a few steps back and said-

- I... umm... need to go home, bye! I said in a panic.

- Yeah, bye. She said, confused, trying to hide her dismay.

After I got home, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I got anxious. I AM ARO. I was so confused. I wanted to just give up. I looked out the window, it seemed like the only thing that was not
everchanging is the day and night. I looked at the sky, decorated with stars, it calmed me down.

I didn't want to be around Sierra. I couldn't fall in love. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT 'LOVE' IS. I kept telling myself. Everytime I saw her, I felt ashamed and guilty but she was so... nice. I couldn't handle being around her, so I wrote a note to her.

   —————————————————–
Dear Sierra,

                  I just wanted to say sorry for what happened. I shouldn't have violated your your personal space. I am sorry for seeming like a terrible friend I didn't want to harm you or make you uncomfortable in anyway. I hope you can forgive me but if not, that's okay. I wanted you to know that I am not trying to harm you.

                                       - Regards, Forest.

   —————————————————–

I asked Ben if he could pass it on to her. He did so. He also tried to be with me while this was happening, trying to help me in anyway he could. I appreciated him a lot, but I couldn't find the confidence to tell him that.