I hate that I love you

Pain and love.

The next morning seemed s bright. Almost too bright. I sat up and looked out through my window, when I felt a sudden wave of sadness rising in my chest. I didn't think very much of it because it was a very mild.

I got out of bed and did everything as normal. Went through my day as normal too.

I was sitting alone after everyone had gone to sleep. I wasn't sleepy so I just watched some videos on my phone until I got tired. As I scrolling, I saw a video made on suicide. After that I sat, in the silent night, wondering if living is really worth it, after all, I'll just end up alone. That was a hard realization.

From then on, my mind became darker and louder. It was very hard to concentrate on anything. It was all hazy and dark. My head couldn't stop ringing. It kept on getting worst and worst, day by day.

But then one day, at school, a new student came. I didn't think of it very much. They sat right next to me. We were both quite for most of the until...
they asked me if I have an extra pen. That lead to a very good conversation.

They were really nice so I asked for their contacts, they happily gave me their socials. Her name is Sierra.

Sierra and I bonded rather quickly. We chatted a lot. Though I was happy to have a new friend, I was still not okay. My days weren't easy. All I wanted to do was well... it doesn't need to be mentioned.

I wasn't well and it obviously effected my studies. My grades were as low as ever and honestly I didn't care. All I cared about was surviving. It went on like this.

Eventually, everything felt like a burden. I couldn't keep up with everything and that made me very guilty and made me feel like I was worth anything. In that emotional turmoil, I couldn't help myself. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't control anything. It was very draining.

Sierra noticed how I was and asked,

- hey, are you okay? Is something wrong?

- Honestly, no, I don't what's doing on. I don't really feel fine.

She held my hand and said,

- You can tell me anything you're feeling.

She sounded so... calm. In that moment, all I wanted to do was burst out crying. I invited Sierra to hang out. She said yes!

On the day, I was... scared. I couldn't stop thinking. She arrived and we were having a great time. Until she noticed that I was anxious. She asked-

- What's up?

- I am just anxious.

- Why so? She said, looking kind of concerned.

- Because I don't want to disappoint you  and mess anything up. I don't want to make a bad impression

- Honestly, you shouldn't worry about that. I'm not gonna judge you harshly and my judgment doesn't matter.

- Thank you.

We made eye contact and it was like her eyes were made of crystals. They seemed like they were filled with warmth and acceptence.

As I was admiring her eyes, she fell silent, then suddenly said

- hey, let's watch a movie.

- Alright.

We spent the entire time having fun. At the end, her brother came to pick her up. She gathered all her things and said bye and left.

I was left shook. She was so pretty. But I kept telling myself- "You're aroace. YOU CANNOT HAVE CRUSHES."

I laid down on my bed, drowning myself in a pool of guilt. This can't be happening. I laid there for hours, wanting to just end it all. I cried and cried, filled with guilt and shame. I fell asleep and woke up the next morning. I wanted to ball my eyes out crying once more. I couldn't.

I went downstairs and went to Belle, who was now doing pretty good. Not quite well yet but she was recovering quickly. She saw that I was distressed and gave me a hug. I accepted it.

After that, since it was sunday, I was trying to write a song. The ideas weren't flowing in my head. I sat there thinking about what to write. After a few tries, I came with this!-

I thought I won't fall in love.
But that just was, a lie I was told.
I guess I don't know what I feel
But it's not that this isn't real.
I thought cupid can't hit
Well, he did quite hard.
But guilt is above all.
I love you and more
Than I ever thought
I'm not well now
But soon I will be
Can you please hold on to me?

After that I felt the guilt rise in my chest. I couldn't do anything about it. I let it fester and grow. I just sunk in my pain, not knowing what to do. I felt like I was insane and that I kind of deserved the pain. I deserved to be broken.