Galimgim

/12/ The Cracks That Shine

We resolved our petty misunderstanding. He apologized for acting on impulse, and I forgave him. Then he insisted I shouldn't decline his prize for me---a book.

Who am I to say no? I love books. I couldn't wait to read it alone in my room.

But while I was so occupied, I forgot that we had a report the next day. We already did the mock report, so I told myself I could manage with as few flaws as possible. Still, the pressure built inside me. What if I failed? What if I disappointed him?

Before, I never cared what people thought. I valued my own time more than their opinions. But now that Christian gave me his time so I could excel, failure felt unacceptable. I didn't want to let him down. Not this time. Not after everything he did.

The truth was, I liked him. I loved everything about him. I respected him so much that I always looked up to him. And if the day came that I confessed, I knew I'd respect his answer even if he rejected me. I couldn't risk the friendship we had. But ignoring the feelings was exhausting.

He run in my mind constantly. But he also motivated me, and that wasn't so bad. Every effort felt lighter when I imagined him being proud of me. His small compliments, his smile---they paid off every late night and early morning.

*

My phone rang just as I was about to sleep. A that hour, it had to be him.

"Did I disturb you?" His voice was hoarse, familiar.

"Not really. But why call this late?"

I wanted him to say he couldn't sleep without talking to me. That he remembered me before closing his eyes. That he thought of me. But no---such wishes were impossible

Instead, he told me not to worry about tomorrow, to just be myself. Easy for him to say. He made me nervous, sometimes even breathless.

"I'll hang up for now. Get enough sleep. Don't think too much in bed."

I couldn't promise that. His goodbye left me with a sting of disappointment. A part of me wanted to prolong the conversation, but I had no right to hold him back. What if he asked something that made me confess to soon? I couldn't risk it.

Still, I followed his advice. And when my turn came, I surprised myself---I delivered as smoothly as I did during the mock report. Then came his turn, and even though I had seen him present before, I was amazed all over again. His gestures, his confidence, his patience in answering questions---everything about him drew admiration from me.

We ate lunch together afterward at our usual spot. He must have noticed my struggle, though I was too shy to ask for help while he studied intently. 

"Don't be shy to ask, Iris. That's why we're here. So I can teach you. You're never a disturbance to me."

If he kept being this way, I might start believing he felt something too. But no---I reminded myself I had to focus on finishing my degree first. What if he rejected me and it ruined everything? Timing was never perfect, but I wasn't ready yet.

"Breathe, Iris! It looks like you're holding it in. Am I bothering you?" he asked, alarmed.

I hadn't realized I'd been holding my breath. Being with him did that to me. He always took my breath away.

"I'm fine. Do I look like I'm suffocating? I just spaced out."

"On me, really?" he smirked.

*

The best thing about close friends is that they shine the spotlight on the cracks. That was Christian to me---he revealed both my fragility and my strength. 

He gave me the will to be disciplined. He made me focus on my studies, and with his encouragement, I began reaping the rewards of hard work. I couldn't remember a time when he didn't guide me. When someone believes in you, how could you not believe in yourself? 

Finals came quickly. Some classmates didn't make it through, and I wondered how they'd cope. Their tears were brief, but reality forced them to move on.

One morning, Christian asked if I wanted to study at his apartment. Our courses were getting harder, and frustration sometimes pushed me close to tears. I hesitated. Being with him meant my feelings might only grow stronger.

"Please?" he said, eyes pleading. I looked away. I couldn't bear it. He always used that look to win me over.

I gave in, as always. I wanted to stop feeling this way, but with him, I was weak.

He sighed, probably sensing my hesitation. Then he offered a deal. "I'll do your physics final output. You don't have to worry about it. Just... study with me."

My heart lit up. Relief, guilt, and affection tangled inside me. I didn't want to abuse his kindness, yet I couldn't refuse. The output was due Friday, and I hadn't even started.

I agreed. And though my mind told me to resist, my heart had already chosen. 

Christian had become my strength---and my weakness. I didn't want him to be my fragility. I wanted him to be my strength alone.