The Salvatore Saga, Part Two: My life in Salvatore Pack

1.

Now, it was my time to go. It had been a month since Damon broke my heart. I'd been on my own for a month, trying to get my condition and my weight better. I emptied myself out of the bedroom because I was now looking for my nest. My place wasn't with Damon; it was with Adam and Charles.

I was planning at some point, when the time is right, to take Adam and Charles with me to one of my islands, just three of us, no one else, and then spend our time there, be in love, be together, but not yet.

I was hoping Damon would let me be with just Adam and Charles if he ever got his act together. Because I had now given up, let go, and moved on. I had recovered as well as I could, at least physically. I had collected myself into a shell, remembered all the memories, and held these white stones in my hands, which always seemed to help.

I had mourned my loss, and it was time to move on; I had walked outside at night, collected all the strawberries and blueberries too, brought them into my room, and ate them. I ate what I wanted and what Adam or Charles brought to me, but now I wasn't going by Damon's guide.

It was as if I had remembered all my feelings on the stones. The painful ball that had crushed my soul was gone. I knew I had a switch on, but years of experience of losing must have taught me to move on. My greatest loss, Jake, had crushed me almost as bad as this, but I was a flea then, and I still was. I had not given myself a permit to mourn Jake, not really, no, never, and it felt like an ache in my soul, that burning, heart-wrenching pain and someday I would be strong enough to go through all those feelings. But I can't be weak or emotional. I have to be in the lead, to be an example.

Just as Damon was searching for himself, so was I. I had to be The Flea, but I was also Mimi, and I had to keep my mind clear and my act together because life had its tendencies to throw curveballs at me, like European gigs or something else, so I really have no more time to reflect and maybe even mourn.

I had so many secrets, things I hadn't told anyone before and wouldn't. I'm not good at sharing. I began to understand that. I spied on people in love a couple of times, and I listened. Damon was talking, reminiscing, sharing everything—his experiences, his feelings—and I knew that wasn't my thing. I don't share.

Let the others be the loving couple of this pack now. It's out of my hands. I also don't have to feel guilty about whether I spend enough time with my husbands. Mariella had wanted to come and live in the pack house, and suddenly, this house, with no wing, felt all too cramped.

I had changed. Physically so, I was no longer a werewolf but now my feline side had come out and I took feline shapes. and fast too. all of these new instincts drove me to be myself, to be strong and I realize that I am an alpha female, but will probably never be in alpha in this pack.

As one of my shapes which felt more natural was a jaguar, black one, she and I wanted to be on her own. Just like I. Like in the wild, the female jaguar is on her own. She is not like lions who are in packs. She takes care of herself and only in mating season; she tolerates males near her. At least alpha males.

Adam and Charles had been there for me and Charles had the instinct to feel my mood, when was distressed or lonely, he was there; he had been there, but not since Mariella came into the picture. Everything had been changed and for me, the chaos, and change were difficult. It is funny because I am very unpredictable, and improvise a lot, but change something in my life, well I have trouble of getting used to that.

All the men loved Mariella, her innocence. I knew that Adam and Charles had already fucked her now that they were all energy beings. I wasn't and never would be. I would always be the one different, the unique one.

I hadn't realized how that separated me from the pack before. Now I felt it. They were now energy beings, and their driving force was lust. But I wasn't. Charles came to explain it to me fervently, and I reminded him I was not the same.