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▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃ ❤︎, JAY
COMMITTING IS A BIG STEP
It wasn't fair. You liked him. He kind of liked you. But why wouldn't he commit to the relationship? You were tired of the hookups, and him changing the subject whenever you asked him to commit. You hated that. Was there any love in this relationship? Did Jay even love you? He did.....or he wanted you to believe he did. He hugged you, kissed you, cooked for you, and took you out on dates but that wasn't enough. It wasn't selfish of you to think that because it was true. There was no real emotion in what he was doing, and you couldn't keep being with him, thinking he didn't want to be with you. You had to let him go.
You walked into the room with Jay at your heels. "Talk to me?" Jay asked, looking at you as you sat down on the bed, he sat next to you.
You sighed, staring straight ahead. You didn't know where to start or what to say. You just couldn't deal with the same conversation again. You were so over it. You turned to him, taking his hands in yours. You smiled, trying not to let the tears fall. Jay looked confused, and maybe even a little worried.
"Jay," You whispered, your voice cracking. "I love you but do you love me?"
Jay didn't answer right away. That was always his tell. The silence. His eyes were sad, and he looked defeated. You were waiting for the words, and when they never came, you knew what his answer was. You nod smiling bitterly. "Was I never a good girlfriend?! Did I never give you what you wanted?! Did I never bend backwards to help your ass?!"
"Baby, don't cry," He reached to wipe your tears but you backed away.
"Don't call me that. You're not my baby. You don't want to be my boyfriend."
"I want to be."
"No, you don't. You wouldn't commit, and you're a fucking liar. You don't want to be here. It's fine. Just go," You said, looking away.
Jay didn't move. He just sat there, not saying anything. You wanted to scream, you wanted to slap him, and you wanted to make him hurt like he hurt you. "This is selfish of you. You know that, right? I've been there for you. I've helped you get better. I've done everything I could for you and for what?"
"What did you expect, (y/n)?"
"A real commitment. A relationship that shows love and care not just sex and small dates. Is that selfish of me to want that?"
Jay was silent. You were waiting. It was obvious you didn't need an answer. You already knew what his answer was and there was no point in saying anything else.
"It is what it is. We are who we are. I'll see myself out. And just so you know, I did love you. I do. I always will."
You laughed bitterly. You wanted to cry, but you didn't have anymore tears left. "Then why did you stall when I asked you earlier if you did, huh?!"
Jay shook his head and headed towards the door. You felt sick. The world was spinning and you didn't know if you would be able to walk. "If you leave that door, don't come back. You are done with me. It's over, Jay. I'm not going to do this anymore."
He didn't look at you as he walked out. The second the door closed, your body felt weak. You were shaking. Your mind was racing. You were sobbing. Everything was coming undone. Your body couldn't hold itself up anymore. You crumbled onto the floor, sobbing into your hands. You heard Jay's footsteps outside the door. He stopped. You thought he was going to come back inside. You hoped he would. But then his footsteps disappeared. You didn't hear him come back. You were alone.
Jay knew the second he walked out of that door, that he made a huge mistake. The walk to his car was long. He had no one to blame but himself. He could've had something real and amazing but he ruined it. He was the reason you were sobbing on the floor. He was the reason you felt as bad as you did. He couldn't even say it was because he loved someone else. There was no other person. You were the only person he wanted. He wanted to be in a real relationship with you, but his feelings wouldn't let him. He didn't trust anyone and you were the only one he trusted. He should've told you that. He should've said so many things, but he didn't.
Jay didn't have to worry about work tomorrow because of the weekend. He got into his car and drove around for hours. He didn't have a plan. He didn't know where to go. He thought about going back to your place. To try to talk to you. To try and make it right. But he didn't. He had already pained you enough. It wasn't fair for you to have to put up with him and his issues.
It was close to three in the morning when he finally made it back home. His phone had died, so he wasn't able to text or call anyone. Jay didn't care. He wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. He wasn't in the mood to do anything but think of what he lost. He laid on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. He knew he was a shitty person and an even worse boyfriend. He didn't want to be, but he was. He wished there was something he could do. He knew there wasn't. You said it was over and that you didn't want to see him again.
Maybe he should've tried harder to be the boyfriend you wanted him to be. He loved you, and he would have done anything for you. He should've made more of an effort. Jay sighed. It was too late now. If only he tried harder. But it wasn't that hard to be fair. He just didn't try. He wasn't going to cry. He knew he deserved what happened. It was the karma that he had been waiting for.
It was bound to happen and he accepted it. He just didn't think it would hurt this much. But it always does when you were the one that ruined things. Is that so hard to believe?
