I lost my childhood trying to satisfy you, only for you to push me away. I no longer know what I am, who I am, where I am in this social hierarchy. I can not seem to decide what I will be. All my life I've been trying to fit in. Trying so very hard to fit in. Yearning to get your undivided attention, your love, your reassurance. Yearning is one miserable thing. Your affection is the only validation I seek.
I've never felt valid.
You've made me realise that I live for people's claps despite of not being able to accept a simple compliment. The cause of my downfall shall be the " boos"
It started with "What will people say"
Im still on "what will people say"
I still abide by your principles, which you have seemed to forget. You have people
You have shoulders to cry on. You can get people. You have the authority. You don't ask, yet get what you exactly want. You never asked. You only rebelled. Yet you despise me when I rebel. I only want your affection. But it seems so rare to find. I've been mining for years, digging holes in my happiness with the words you utter echoing in my head again and again.
I don't seem to find anything.
You said I was an unpolished piece of stone. Useless and a total piece of waste.
You said I had to be polished to be valued.
Yet I see you cherishing the unpolished stones you picked from the Lakeshore.
You put them in a glass vase.
You put me outside the house.
Am I only a muse for you when I achieve things for which I exhaust myself.
You cut me into pieces of jigsaw and let me scatter everywhere. I don't seem to find the right pieces and fit myself.
I am broken.
You told me not to trust anyone.
Now I have no one. No one to hold me as I fall in denial of whatever I said. You say "man up"
I manned up, then you told me to "act like a girl"
I did that too, only for you to tell me to "act my age"
What do you expect of me?
Atleast be clear with that.
You've made my entire life uncertain. My past has been shattered like the mirror I broke. I have more hatred towards myself then those who drop bombs and brutally murder kids. I see no difference between them and me. I see nothing. I am blind.
Blinded by the tears, the constantly cloud my eyes.
Maybe that's why the doctor said I needed glasses. Because I cried too much.
Cause if I had a bad vision, I would still worship you for destroying me.
You've deprived me of everything.
No, you have abundantly blessed me with the ability to think. To think to horrible stuffs I'd do to myself. To end the pain with another pain.
#Painstop.
You've buried all the stuffs I do with a passion
I've burnt all the things I did with passion.
Thank goodness I can't burn this. I neatly type this on my tear soaked phone until my fingers would give up.
