Inseparable

Therapy

I wondered at what point I'd tell Leah about me going to therapy, but now we lived together I couldn't just tell her I couldn't go and see her because I was with Amerie, I know I'd have to tell her about my shit mental health.  I don't know how to though, I knew I was falling back down again and I know I could possibly be going back into my depression phase again but I'm trying to help myself before I get Leah worried about me.

"Amelia Gardner?" The woman at reception says, I walk over and she says "Cara is ready for you" with a smile. I smile back and walk into the office I'm usually in. "Hey Amelia" she says as I sit down. "Hi Cara" I say and cross my legs as I sit down on the sofa. "How are you feeling today?" She asks me. "I'm feeling okay I guess" I say and play with my rings.

"What's on your mind?" She asks me
"Well, I moved in with my girlfriend" I tell her
"That's a big step, how did you find that?" She asks
"I love every minute of it, yes it may of been hard adjusting. But I love her, so I'm good" I say
"But the thing is I never told her how I attended therapy, I know I shouldn't be embarrassed by it but I guess I am, and I don't want her to leave me because I come here" i say
"Amelia, any good girlfriend should support you in everything. No matter what, she should support you when you tell her. And I have no doubt that she wont" Cara says

"You said last week you felt yourself getting worse? How about now?" She asks
" the same I  guess, I think it'd because I'm not working and I'm just home when Leah's at training and I'm lonely" I say
"Why don't you ask Leah about getting a dog?" She suggests
"Because getting a dog is incredibly time consuming. Time I might not have when I get another job" I say
"I don't want to ruin a dogs life" I add
"Well let's talk about your job then? What you thinking?" She asks
I sigh. "No idea" I answer

"Well you told me your qualified in a variety of things, why don't you take up that job Leah suggested even just part time to start with?" She says
"Because what if I fuck up?" I say
"Why would you?" She asks
"Because that's all I think of myself, I'm worthless" I state
"Your not worthless Amelia" she says
"And you will be amazing at any career you choose for yourself because anyone would be lucky to have you as a part of their team" she says
"Cara i do appreciate your words, but I need to think that myself. And I just can't" I say
"I get that completely" she says
"But you need to start trusting yourself and believing in yourself more. I know it's easier said than done but you need to try. Tell Leah and see what she says thats step one" she says
"I'll try" I say

I stare at the fish in the tank. "Maybe a pet wouldn't be so bad" I say
"Exactly even a rabbit or a Guinea pig, something that will give you something to do so your not completely lonely" she says
"Even going for a walk by yourself or even a run, maybe starting a gym. Something that interests you" she says
"One of the first things I remember you ever telling me was you like poems and writing them, why don't you start writing them" she says
"Maybe" I say
"My poems are bad though, I can't seem to think of any decent ones anymore" I say
"So you're telling me that you like every single art piece hung in a gallery" she says, I look at her confused.
"No"I say
"Exactly but other people may love it. You might hate your own work but the world may love it. Tell me a poem" she ssys

I think of one

"When someone asks what I'm scared off, I play if basic and say the dark.
Sometimes I'll say heights, needles or even sharks.
Maybe I'll say spiders or flying above the ground.
I'll say confined spaces or even pain and loud sounds,
But I hide my real fears and put it on a high shelf,
Cause my biggest fear is that you'll see me the way I see myself" I say

"That's amazing" Cara says
"Not really" I say
"Believe in it Amelia" she emphasises

Our session finishes and I get in the car and drive home. I see Leah sat on the sofa chilling on her phone. "Hey" I say as I walk into the room. "Hi" she says
I sit down. "I need to tell you something" I say
She puts her phone down and looks at me. "I'm a bit nervous to tell you" I admit
"Why" she asks and comes over hugging me. "Cause, I don't know how you'll react" I say
"I support you in everything" she says
"I told you I was going to Ameries" I say
"I lied" I say
"And I'm sorry" I say and start to cry. "But I've been going to therapy, because I'm getting into my head too much. But I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to stress you out" I say through tears,