Shutout

Chapter 26 - It Is Time to Celly: The Experiences and Lives of Queer NHL Players

Corbin Lowe does not regret waiting the 12 years of his career to come out. 

A private and shy man, in reality, despite his power on the ice, a quiet coming out to fit his style so much better. Besides, Lowe argues, he wasn't ever really dating anyone, so he never had a reason to come out. He was fine being seen as something he wasn't as long as it maintained his relationships and his performance. 

Lowe, like the rest of the retired queer players, ended up coming out over social media a few years after he retired. By that point, he had created a nice retired life in Las Vegas, where his family is. It was there he met his future husband. While he wasn't out, Lowe no longer concerned himself with being careful. He was okay if he got caught with his partner because he was already retired and, therefore, old news. Ultimately, he was never caught and ended up coming out with a post of his wedding rings—after a wedding in a Las Vegas chapel. He found it both overwhelming and amusing how the media and hockey world reacted to his marriage. He saw both the bad and good coverage, creating mixed feelings.

"It was fun to see how they were all shocked and excited," Lowe explains, "But, at the same time, to find the good articles, you go through the articles that question your entire career suddenly because of your sexuality. It dulls the happiness you can get from the articles, you know?"

The media makes it evident that, unlike other straight hockey players who can proudly talk about their families and hobbies and education and whatnot, queer hockey players are locked into two forms of identity: Hockey or Queer. There are no other parts of their identity or life that are covered or shared with the world unless the players themselves publish it on social media. And even then, those posts are never welcomed as much as hockey or queer-related posts. 

They are, surprisingly, full human beings. Meaning that they two have other things in their identity and their lives outside of their ability to play hockey or who they are attracted to. 

Logan Klicker was born in Colorado, but he moved a few times within the state before they settled in Broomfield. He is also not the first hockey player. His dad played as a kid before giving it up to go to college. So when he was graced with only boys, he knew immediately that they would be hockey players through and through. And they were. Logan, though, is the only one who has ever dreamed of going professional. The only one who took it as seriously as a job, a lifeline. Because it was. 

Logan used to be a smaller kid who was the victim of masculinity bullying. Playing hockey, though, was his way to prove himself as a capable man—even when he was eight. It was where he got all his friends and where he enjoyed himself the most. Second was probably the pool. When he was younger, he loved to swim, even learning to swim before he was put on skates. Although Logan hasn't had time in years to really think about picking back up swimming outside of post-season fun, he thinks back on his times fondly. "Sometimes, when I'm really stressed, I'll buy a swimsuit and swim in the hotel pools. Not often, though, because I'm usually too tired or someone makes fun of me."

When he was a teenager, Logan discovered two things: he was adopted, and he was attracted to men. As imagined, those were turbulent times for him as he struggled his way through hockey's journey league, which is more or less a necessary step to becoming a professional. He struggled with his identity during this period both with his family and with his friends. He was not the only adopted one in the family, both him and his younger brother were not biological despite being raised as such. Logan knows now that his family regrets keeping it from him until he was a teenager, and he forgives them, but even to this day, he struggles a bit with his identity and can't help but think his adoption is part of the reason. 

Around this same time, his teammates began to share stories of sexual escapades. Logan listened. He tried to understand. When his teammates showed his porn videos in their hotel rooms, he didn't understand what part of the body he was supposed to be attracted to. He didn't understand why it was so good and how his teammates liked it. "It was honestly just kind of gross? Is that mean, I'm sorry. I just didn't understand how it was attractive with all the body parts or lack there of and the high-pitched moaning—it was all very weird." It wasn't until his oldest brother got married to a gender and women's studies major that he really began to understand sexuality. Specifically, how he was not like the majority of the boys around him. Statistically, Logan was never the only queer player on any of his teams. But it always felt like he was the only one. He even jokes that he's heard stories about boys fooling around while in juniors and is still jealous of them.