Charlie('s) Hope(less)

I'm a rat in a trap, correction, I'm the cheese.

While Charlie waited in the car, he scrolled on his phone. Mindlessly googling random trivia questions or researching different animals, he felt something nagging at the back of his mind. Given that most of Charlie’s recent google searches regarded pregnancy symptoms, abortion laws, and different risks, a lot of his recommended searches and news articles regarded pregnancy. A lot of the news articles were about miscarriages in celebrities or strange complications, or a parent killing their child. A few regarded strange infant deaths. All of it made Charlie incredibly paranoid. 

Given how while pregnant you have to go off of testosterone, and Charlie had yet to schedule an appointment with a doctor to safely wean off of testosterone, he was at higher risk of a miscarriage. And he had already had two miscarriages before when trying to conceive Isabelle. 

It was a hellish time for him, Ben didn’t want to wait the recommended six months. Just back-to-back miscarriages and pregnancies. He had to beg Ben to wait six months by the second miscarriage, just to give Charlie time to physically heal. He was terrified that he’d become infertile because of a miscarriage or procedure that had to be done just to make sure Charlie lived. 

He had to go off of multiple medications during pregnancy as well, he had to stop taking his mood stabilizers because it posed a risk to the fetus. Having his depression and OCD, which had become manageable through proper medication, be back at their highest level? It was hell. He suffered not only from awful aches and pains the entire time, but his anxiety was heightened to the worst levels. 

He must’ve been lost in his own thoughts because only five minutes had passed before Ben and Isabelle got in the car. Charlie was silent the entire drive there. Ben leaned over, “You’re awfully quiet. Something I should know?” He asked. Charlie shrugged and leaned on the window. 

“I’ll tell you later.” He whispered. “Too heavy for…” He nodded over at Isabelle. Ben drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. “Too heavy?” His expression was dark. Charlie nodded, not getting the hint. “How so? Why can’t you say it in front of her?” Charlie was distracted by watching the lights zoom by as they drove. “She’s not old enough to process it properly.” He said. 

“Process what?” Ben tightened his grip on the wheel. Charlie looked down at his lap. “Charlie.” Ben looked at Charlie. “Process. What.” He demanded. 

Charlie opened his mouth, but nothing came out. 

Ben grumbled but kept driving. When Ben parked in the parking lot, he slammed the brakes and hurried to turn the car off. When he got out he slammed the door behind him, while Isabelle and Charlie gently closed theirs. Ben locked the car doors and started moving towards the entrance of the restaurant. 

Charlie speed walked to catch up with him since he had gotten out after Ben. He offered his hand to Ben with a smile, something that used to comfort Ben when they were in secondary school. Ben slapped Charlie’s hand away, even though Charlie hadn’t tried to grab Ben’s, only having his arm slightly extended. 

Waiting in the lobby for their table was quicker than Charlie expected, the restaurant was less crowded than he expected as well.  Charlie was quite pleased with the wait time, given that Isabelle was feeling a bit low, he just wanted to get their food and get out. Ben still seemed angry even while they sat at their table, waiting for a waiter to come and ask for what drinks they’d like. Charlie was trying to keep Isabelle entertained, playing games with her and letting her play on his phone every now and then. 

Charlie would glance over at Ben every now and then, trying to see if he was still there or feeling okay.  Though, of course, he was still very angry without explanation. Charlie didn’t have time to tend to Ben, given that children are difficult when they’re bored or upset. Charlie wanted to make tonight perfect, or as okay as he could. When the waiter brought over the drinks he was able to take a break.