Charlie('s) Hope(less)

That candy you're always sucking on, what's it replacing?

(TW for misgendering, eating disorders and poor coping with it + forcing someone with an ED to eat, intrusive thoughts/ OCD / OCD rituals, death, animal death, loss of a child, mentions of miscarriage, implied child neglect, psychosis, postpartum psychosis, Ben being a shitty partner and a shitty father too)

---------

Ben woke up not long after Charlie fell asleep. He shook Charlie awake before he left, already dressed for work. Charlie stirred awake, groaning and swatting at the air. He heard Ben laugh a bit, “You big baby.” Ben said. Ben kissed Charlie’s cheek. “I’m gonna head out now, I’ll drop Isabelle off at Tori’s.” Charlie blinked himself awake. “Tori’s?” He questioned. “Yeah, it’s too early for her to go to school. And…” Ben pursed his lips. “Your mum isn’t very… cool.” He spoke . 

Charlie slumped back down on the bed, “Okay... Tell Tori before you get there though.” He reached out for Ben’s hand. “Michael should be happy to see her though.” Ben hummed and Charlie closed his eyes again. He heard the door shut as Ben walked out. Just before he fell back asleep, he grabbed his phone and shot Tori a text. 

Ben should be dropping Isabelle over at yours today, she should be going to school at eight. She can just fall back asleep once she gets there. 

Tori responded quickly, which wasn’t too unexpected for her. She had always been a night owl. Working the graveyard shift didn’t hurt either. 

Thanks for waking me up with your text, Charles. Who’s Isabelle? 

Oh, right. Charlie didn’t tell her yet. 

Your niece. She came out yesterday. Just try to be nice about it,  please?

Not like you wouldn’t be, but you never know. 

The school already knows. I’ll tell Mum soon. 

Tori took a while to respond, the bubble signaling she was typing popping up every now and then. 

No problem. Also, tell Ben to never drop her off here again. I’m a tired woman. 

Charlie chuckled, giving a heart reaction to the text. Tori had been the first one to publicly support him when he came out as trans. His Dad was more quietly supportive, he never fought their Mum when she would say bigoted things, but in private he would give Charlie the resources he needed to transition. 

His Dad had always been that way though. He never wanted to talk over their Mum, he ended up being a doormat most of the time. Charlie didn’t feel too sorry for him though. 

Even if Charlie was closer to his dad , he was still an enabler. It became more and more obvious as he got older too. Charlie had to cut him out too when he cut his Mum out of his life. His Dad and Mum were basically attached to each other’s sides. If his Mum was around, his Dad was sure to be following behind her. 

His entire life under their roof, he had just been trying to survive. He’d cut his hair in the mirror or over the sink, or illegally buy birth control, hormone blockers, or testosterone. He ended up majorly fucking up when he did that, having gotten too big of a dosage of testosterone once, buying “hormone blockers” that ended up just being Smarties in a bottle, and the worst one, buying too big a dose of birth control that came with incorrect instructions and ended up overdosing. 

Charlie once had to measure his chest all on his own so he could order a binder his size, and not only did he get the wrong measurements, but he also felt like crap while doing it. Elle had to help him buy the right size in the end. He and Elle had bonded over both being trans. Even though Tao would always have the ‘best friend’ spot, Charlie and Elle had something totally different and unique. 

Call it solidarity or just normal friendship, she and Charlie had something special. Charlie had been on a lot of forums during his teen years entirely dedicated to being a safe space for transgender people to talk about their experiences. A lot of them would describe the same kind of bond with their friends who were also trans, they would often say that it was because even though their experiences in how transphobia is directed at them, they understood each other’s struggles on a level nobody else could. 

Elle could understand Charlie’s insecurity about his chest because she had the exact same insecurity. Even if it was the other way around, the reason she and Charlie could so easily help each other with transition issues was because they knew how to approach those things. 

Bless Tao’s soul, but even though he spent days without rest researching everything online about being trans he still has times where he had absolutely no idea how to react to something. He was the prime example of a trans ally, he would readily fight someone for a crude comment directed at a trans person and would start a protest at the drop of a hat if he felt something needed to change, but there were things he would need help understanding. It wasn’t a flaw on his end whatsoever, he was everything a trans person would need or want in a friend, partner, ally, what-have-you, but experiences would always play a part in how someone understands something. 

And, let’s face it, until Tao had met Elle, he didn’t know much about transgender people. He knew they existed and knew to respect them and their identity, but he had never met someone who was trans. 

Cisgender people just couldn’t understand it on the level Charlie and Elle did. Maybe that’s why they became such close friends. 

And Ben made that very, very clear. Even though he was so quick to accept Charlie , he struggled to accept others. He grew up in a pretty bigoted household, it was near impossible for him to accept the fact he might be bisexual. Even when he and Charlie first started meeting up he had a hard time admitting to himself that he liked boys. 

Charlie didn’t want to hold it against Ben, but he had become Ben’s trans encyclopedia. He didn’t mind helping someone to understand, but it was annoying, frustrating, and even a little dehumanizing to do it all the time. 

When Ben just gave up on correcting people when they misgendered Charlie, it really stung. Even though Ben would apologize once they were alone, it still hurt. Especially because eventually, he just started misgendering Charlie too. He’d shoot sympathetic glances his way, but that was about it. 

Charlie was half-asleep when his phone buzzed, nearly falling off of the bedstand. He immediately grabbed it before it could fall down. He blinked a few times, trying to clear his vision. When things in front of him were slightly less blurry he turned on his phone to see what triggered off the notification buzz he had set. It was a text from Ben. Usually, Ben wouldn’t be messaging him this early in the morning. 

Grabbing some Wendy’s for breakfast, do you want me to get something delivered to you? 

Charlie took a moment to decide. He did like Wendy’s, but their breakfast was kind of… plain. 

what do they have right now? 

Let me check. 

Charlie set his phone down and closed his eyes again, trying to catch a little more sleep. Right before he could doze off Ben responded. 

For biscuits they have Sausage Egg Cheese, Bacon Egg Cheese, Honey Butter Chicken, Plain Honey Butter, Sausage Gravy, and just regular Sausage. 

Croissants has Maple Chicken Bacon, Sausage Egg Swiss, and Bacon Egg Swiss. 

They also have a Breakfast Baconator and French Toast Sticks. 

they made a breakfast baconator ??? 

Yes. 

They’ve also got Seasoned Potatoes. Which I think is just Potato Wedges. And an Oatmeal Bar, but that’s meant to be a side. 

And Coffee, but I doubt it’s any good. 

If you don’t want anything right now, I can order something for lunch if you want. 

But you need to eat something for breakfast, regardless of whether it’s Wendy’s or just something from the refrigerator. 

nono i will. 

He wouldn’t. Charlie knew that. He would sleep through breakfast and wake up around lunch. 

i think an oatmeal bar should be good i ’m probably going to wake up around lunch or something. 

nothing else sounds that good to me and i think we’re all out of cereal right now 

Just as Charlie put his phone back down, planning to just go back to sleep, his phone buzzed again. 

That’s a side for the breakfast. I’m not getting that. Order something else with it if you want it. 

But you have to eat whatever else you get. 

why’s that??? 

Because you need to eat more than that. You barely ate last night. 

i’m just going to fall asleep after and then get up in time for lunch i don’t need to eat a lot right now. 

i feel too sick at the moment to eat more than a bar of whatever. 

He wasn’t lying about feeling sick, he was exhausted and nauseous, he was probably going to force himself to not take his meds at all or do something stupid, like cut them in half, considering the fact his psychiatrist won’t meet him until Friday, but he also wasn’t having a good food day. He had gotten better at handling his eating disorder with time, but he developed a bit of a bad habit. 

He would occasionally skip entire meals just so Isabelle or Ben could eat them instead. He had somehow managed to convince himself that it was for their benefit, his OCD would run wild and say that if he didn’t they would starve. 

Of course, nobody else knew. He hid it from everyone, especially Isabelle. Ben obviously knew about his anorexia, but he didn’t want to burden him with knowing that extra detail. Ben thought that he was completely cured. 

None of that today, Charlie. You need to eat. If you don’t choose an actual meal with the bar, I’ll choose it for you. 

You have to eat it. I’m the one paying for it. 

okay 

He knew Ben was just trying to help, that he was concerned for Charlie’s health and wanted him to be safe and healthy. But sometimes he just made things way worse. 

Don’t “okay” me. I’m trying to help you.