Charlie('s) Hope(less)

He tells me things that must be true.

tw// Guilt-tripping? Ben being a dick. Ben being Ben. Talk of STDs and shit. and also being pressured into hanky-panky. The word slut-shaming is mentioned. psychosiss OCD babytrapping, you get it.

Ben was kind of dumb. Charlie would admit that easily. He was also frustrating to deal with. Always had been. Like how he didn’t tell Charlie that he was actively sleeping with other people and just expected Charlie to know. While Charlie didn’t catch anything, and neither did Ben, it was still a stupid and frustrating move. 

“Ben?” Charlie asked, pulling away from Ben. “Are… you seeing anyone right now?” Charlie played with a string on his cardigan. Ben wiped his lips, something he always did. “Yeah…?” He said . “…Oh.” Charlie looked down. Why didn’t he know? He felt so stupid. 

“Have- you been like, intimate with them? Like, recently. After we…” Charlie pursed his lips. It was still weird to talk about. “Yeah? Charlie, what are you trying to imply? That I’m cheating on you?” Charlie could tell Ben was getting worked up. “No! No. Nothing like that. Just- I wanted to know so- like, we can be- safe.” He said . “Just- in case one of us catches something.” 

Ben raised an eyebrow. “Are you saying you caught an STD?” Charlie shook his head rapidly. “No- no. Not at all. I’m fine. I just wanted to like, be aware so like- that isn’t a risk.” 

“Charlie. It’s fine. I can sleep with who I want to.” Charlie straightened his back, “Of course! I just want to be safe. Since- some people can have stuff like that. From a blood transfer, or from a partner, or from kissing, stuff like that.” Ben raised an eyebrow. “And- we haven’t really- like, used condoms?” Ben opened his mouth to speak. “Which I don’t mind! But, uhm… I just… want to be careful. I mean like, obviously it SHOULD be safe because we aren’t having PiV sex , but- sorry. Yeah- just… I want you to be safe and… It’s just safer to be open about those things?” Charlie scratched at his head to ease his anxiety, “Since- then you can know what precautions to take? Like… protection or testing or whatever.” Ben blinked. “Sounds like you’re trying to shame me for having sex with other people. If I remember correctly, you were the one who said you wanted to have sex with me in the first place.” 

That wasn’t true. Ben was the first one to bring up sex. Charlie had protested at first, saying he wasn’t quite ready. But Ben was persistent, and eventually, Charlie gave in. He wanted to make Ben happy, and apparently taking the next step was what would make him happy. Something about feeling loved? Cherished? 

Charlie kind of hated it. It didn’t feel good, Ben had a habit of just running away after the act and leaving Charlie to clean himself up and put everything back in place, and he was kind of a jerk during it. He was really into name-calling, but he never asked Charlie what he was okay with. Charlie didn’t totally mind it in the moment, but if Ben didn’t even bother to stay after they were done, Charlie would get in his own head and worry that Ben genuinely did think thos e things of him. 

It probably wasn’t true, but the brain was a funny thing. It might sound needy to need his partner to stay back a bit after they finished, most people didn’t need that, but Charlie… he did. 

“ Jesus fuck.” Ben said. “Didn’t expect you of all people to slut-shame.” Before Charlie could even say anything, Ben added, “Glass houses, and all…” 





But granted, they were both teenagers at that time. Teenagers were stupid. You can’t expect a teenage boy to know that stuff. Mostly because teenage boys usually didn’t even realize they needed to use condoms, even if there wasn’t a risk of pregnancy. Or even if they’re certain there’s no chance of an STD— there still might be. STDs can come from anything even just blood transplants. Or, the stupidest way, in Charlie’s opinion, skin-to-skin contact. And not just as in sex, even just handholding or a hug. Of course, STDs mere existence is stupid, like, how did we start getting sick from sex in the first place? Humans evolved to have sex for pleasure too. Much like how other animals in the wild will use sex as a way to bond. Others… well, not so much bond, and more for devious reasons. 

It was still kind of interesting to study or learn how animals communicate with each other to Charlie. Like how an ape or monkey will remove bugs from another’s fur,  But—There was a difference there... 

Ben could actually talk to Charlie. And communicate those things. And yet — 

He didn’t. 

Actually, Isabelle was technically unplanned. Charlie asked to stop trying to have kids, but Ben didn't agree. He agreed to use condoms again though. Turns out, Ben had been poking holes in the condoms. If Charlie could tell that something was wrong, Ben would just say that it broke. Charlie thought it was weird for it to break that often, whenever he used one it never did, but he tried to think that maybe it was just different, somehow.

It wasn’t.

Charlie had only figured this out because he had found a box of condoms underneath the sink, and each one had holes poked into it.

He never confronted Ben about it, he knew how Ben would react. He’d freak out, he’d probably hurt Charlie, it was easier to just keep it to himself.

Could it count as baby-trapping if they were already married? Charlie had googled that question a bunch, he found literally nothing.

Charlie just tried to suck it up and pretend he was happy about it. Despite getting another chance, he just felt hollow. He had for months, but now all he could feel was anxiety and emptiness. He had heard about how most people would feel so fulfilled when they became parents, but he just felt like a puzzle that was missing a piece. Ben was so happy when he found out. Why wouldn’t he be? Ben was the one who wanted to be a parent the most. Even though they were only in their early twenties. Nowhere near close enough to be responsible for another human being.

And the psychosis he went through – the fucking psychosis… His OCD was awful, he’d lock himself in his bedroom and cry, thinking he was a horrible person, a horrible father. He’d freak out whenever he even looked at Isabelle. He’d see things that weren’t there. He’d see demons or shadow-people in her crib, or see bugs crawling over her. It was a living hell.

He'd say the most nonsensical things, Ben considered hospitalizing him because of how bad it was. In the end he didn’t, saying that Isabelle needed Charlie to be there. Looking back, that didn’t make any sense. Charlie wasn’t really there. Even to himself, really. It was… it was something alright. Definitely a thing, that’s for sure.