The bet

34. Drowning

Joel.

I hate myself.

I hate myself at the point that I can't see my own face at the mirror.  I feel disgust. Hate.
I feel things toward myself that no one should feel.
I'm a failure, worthless and unloved.
I'm so, so weak and I hate it. I hate the way it makes me feel.
I hate the way my father makes me feel. 

I'm tired of it. So tired.

I have to visit him tomorrow. My father is making me do it. 
And I can't say no. I always can't say no.

I don't want to do it. I don't want to go and see that piece of shit. 
Seeing him will remind me... 

I tried to protect her and I still...I still am the monster.
I'll always be the monster in their eyes. 

I'm just so exhausted. 

I want peace, I want quiet, I want my brain to fall asleep and the self-hatred to stop.
I want to stop feeling weak.

I can't believe that I cried in front of her.

But it felt so... she wrapped me in her arms, and it made me feel safe. 
No one has ever wrapped me in their arms like that before. Because I never show weakness, the Cullens never show weakness.
But I did.

I showed my weakness in front of my fucking enemy.

And she hugged me and comforted me instead of laughing.
She wiped my tears and played with my hair.
Her tight wrap around me made my worries slip away.

And it felt good. For a couple of minutes, I felt calm, and my brain was quiet.
It felt like I wasn't alone because someone was comforting me.

I'm scared to tell my thoughts to Luke. 
I tell him everything, but I can't tell him my fucked up thoughts. I'm afraid that if I tell him that, he'll think I'm weak and worthless too.
I don't want him to think that. I love him so much. 

He...he can't see this side of me, or I'll lose him.
I can't lose him, God not him.

''Do you want some company?" a voice snaps me from my thoughts.
I look around the party and find a brunette leaning over to me.

Her eyes are brown instead of hazel.
And her hair is darker than Olivia's.

Why the fuck am I comparing her to Olivia?

The girl raises her eyebrow and I nod at her, making her place to sit on the couch.

I take a sip from my drink, and she shifts closer to me.
''You look very lonely.''  she whispers to my ear.
True. But not that kind of lonely.
''How did you know?" I smirk at her, and she gives me a flirty smile.

I look down at her lips and it feels so wrong. They are not the lips I want to look at.
Not the lips I desire to taste.

The 'I don't know who she is' girl leans in and kisses me. I try to pull away, but she grabs my neck and deepens the kiss, putting her tongue inside my mouth.
I kiss her back.

Olivia's face comes in my mind, and I immediately push the girl away.

I can't fucking think of her when I'm kissing someone else.

''What's wrong?" the girl asks.
''Nothing.''  I say and get up to walk away from her.

I take out the phone from my pocket and look at the time.
Holy fuck it's 12:13 am!
I'm officially fucked up.

''Hey Joel, want another drink?'' Jonas called to me.
''Sorry bro, I've got to go.'' I say rushing out.

''What? It's so early man!" he comes after me.
Early for you, late for me.
"I have to go.'' I tug him by the shoulder and get out of his house.