The bet

46. Hug

Olivia

''Joel?" 
I find Joel sitting on the floor in the distant corner of the east side of the school, hidden from everyone's sight. He has dropped on the floor with his knees on his chest, his head leaning on the wall. He's looking on a spot in the wall, his eyes look lost and broken. I call his name again, but he seems too lost in thoughts to hear me, his body is present, but his mind is elsewhere.

I approach him slowly and sit beside him, his position stays the same, motionless and cold. I put my head on his shoulder, and he flinches at the contact. His head slowly turns down in my direction and a shaky breath leaves his lips.

''What are you doing here?" he whispers.
''I'm here to make sure you're okay.'' I whisper back.

''Why?" he swallows.
''Because I care about you.'' I answer. His face changes to something like surprise mixed with happiness, but then it vanishes as soon as it appears. He looks at me in doubt, as if he doesn't believe the words that came out of my mouth.

''You don't believe me?" I ask.
''No one has ever cared about me expect my siblings.'' he whispers looking at his hands. ''Why would they care anyway?" he adds with a sad smile that cracks my heart to pieces. 

''I'm a terrible person, a monster who almost killed someone. I can't control my anger, can't control myself. I disappoint my father, I make my mother sad, I hurt the others, I hurt you.'' his voice cracks, ''I'm a worthless human being, a monster who's selfish-'' 

I grab his face between my hands and stop him from talking further, ''You're not a monster Joel, you're a hero.'' 
His eyes widen at my words, and he shakes his head in denial. 

''You are a hero.'' I repeat holding his face tightly, ''You saved your sister from getting raped, you should be proud of it.  That night you became her hero. Eugene deserved it and he deserves even more. Even if you killed him, he would completely deserve it. That night you saved your sister and the other girls. Because a pervert is a pervert, your sister isn't the only girl he harassed that night, and you took revenge for all of them.''

''And I'm so, so proud of you.'' I say and tears fall from his beautiful ocean eyes. I wipe them with my thumbs. ''I'm proud of you for beating up a pervert. And you'll never be a monster. If someone is the monster in this story, it's him, not you.'' 

''That's such a nice thing to say.'' he says, ''No one has ever told me that.''
''It's the truth.'' I say. 

He still looks like he doesn't believe me.

''It doesn't matter what the truth is, no one loves me to care about that.'' he speaks.
''I do.'' I finally say it.

He stills, his Adam apple moving up and down as he swallows hardly. There's confusion and disbelief written on his features. 
''What-'' his voice is shaky as he speaks, ''What are you saying?"

''I love you.'' I say, ''I love you exactly as you are.''
''No.'' he shakes his head, not looking at me, ''No, no. You don't know what you're saying.''

He tries to move away from me, and I look at him frowning? What happened now?
''Joel-''
''No.'' he backs away, ''You can't love me, why are you loving me? You're supposed to hate me, this doesn't make sense.''

''I don't hate you, I can't because I love you.'' I say, my voice shaky.
''Olivia please don't play with me. I... I can't take it if you're playing with me.''  he says, his face vulnerable.

''I'm not.'' I go closer to him and grab his face, forcing him to look at me. ''I'm not playing, I love you so much that I'm scared of it. I'm scared to say it to myself, I'm scared to say it to you.''