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Whatever it is, it feels like it's laughing at me through the glass of a two-sided mirror.
Whatever it is, it's just laughing at me, and I just wanna scream

 Whatever it is, it's just laughing at me, and I just wanna scream ❞ ♬

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38 days since - Monaco - Wednesday

I used to believe that heartbreak wasn't as cruel as it was mockingly funny. How could I enjoy life, not feel an ounce of the pain I felt yesterday, only for it to return worse? It had to be some kind of joke. A cruel one at last.

Maybe it was in the air; the sun was shining brightly. I heard the birds chirp, and both my friends and I decided to go have a few drinks. We ended up in the same bar we were at at the beginning of the season, the bar where Max asked me on our first date.

Where at first, I didn't really mind; it was just a bar. It had always been just a bar. The moment I got home, I collapsed. It was as if all the pain I had kept at bay the entire day had come crashing down at once. I gasped for air, but it felt like breathing through broken glass.

In the middle of it, my phone rang. I looked at the caller ID and sighed in relief when I saw it was Charles. But I couldn't say a word when I accepted the call.

"Jasmine?" He asked softly. "Are you okay?"

"No..." I could barely let that one single word escape my throat.

"What's going on?" Charles sounded more worried. "Are you alone?"

I wanted to answer him, to let him know I was still safe at home, but I couldn't find my voice yet. The room spun, unsure if that was because of the alcohol or the lack of oxygen between my sobs.

"Jasmine, talk to me. Please," Charles pleaded.

"It's Max," I finally whispered, my voice breaking. "It's always Max."

Silence hung between us, heavy and suffocating. Charles knew. He had seen me fall apart before, and I knew he was scared that I would fall apart again. But you can't compare the grief of death to the grief of losing someone who's still alive.

"I don't know how to stop hurting," I confessed, my voice barely above a whisper. "I thought I was okay. I laughed today, Charles. I actually laughed. And now...now I can't breathe."

"I wish I could've seen it," Charles replied softly. "Where are you? Are you at home?"

"Yeah. I just got back," I wiped away my tears. "We went to that one bar... where Max asked me on a date."

"And how was that?"

"I thought it all went well today, but it hurts so much," I whispered through the phone, feeling the tears gathering back up in my eyes. "Why does it keep coming back?"

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